OK so there’s A LOT going on in this video. Let’s break it down.

Joel Embiid is at the Clevlander

Of course he is! The Clevlander is a notorious Miami Beach party joint, and the club at the Marlins Park is no different– this goes on:

He’s with Meek Mill

Interesting subplot to Embiid’s Miami trip, which he’s been dutifully chronicling on Instagram Live, is that he’s been hanging with Meek Mill and (friend of Joshua Harris) Robert Kraft. The other day he posted a picture wearing one of Kraft’s Super Bowl rings and then could be heard on Meek Mill’s video talking to Kraft in the background (I do multiple layers of investigation on these things). The Meek acquaintance, it seems, is not just a fleeting thing. That’s him standing next to Embiid:

He wants the ball, but “you can’t have it, little man”:

I’m slightly concerned about the Meek friendship. This has been a trail blazed by both Lou Williams and DeSean Jaccson. And Lil Snupe. Respect.

He almost broke his fucking hand

Have you ever tried to catch a ball at a baseball game? IT HURTS! Even a foul ball has enough backspin to dislodge a finger joint. Catching a home run derby ball with your precious, NBA dominant hand is about as foolish as it gets. Embiid breaking multiple digits in a field-level club at the home run derby with Meek Mill would be the exact sort of thing to happen to us. I’m amazed his whole arm didn’t break and get wielded like a trophy by the undoubtedly countless drug kingpins surrounding him. YOU STEAL MY PELOTA, YOU LOSE AN ARM! Still, I’m fully prepared for the pending Sixers press release stating that an X-ray performed after the swelling went down revealed a compound fracture and Embiid will be out 6-8 weeks.

Is that Pat Croce?

Last night I tweeted that it was, but now I’m not so sure. I saw another angle and I don’t believe it is.

His hands

It’s like if bizarro Jewel sang about someone having comically massive hands at which the world marveled. Like, look, I know all NBA players have huge hands that, quite frankly, make me feel woefully inadequate, but for years it’s always been broken down in pretty black-and-white terms– either you can palm a basketball, or you can’t. There’s diminishing returns once you can get your mitt around the ball. But when you add a different instrument into the mix, in this case a baseball, the system of measurement gets thrown all out of whack. I’ve never seen someone wrap their ham completely around a baseball like that. Wait, TWO BASEBALLS?

Two little balls. We shall name them LaVar and Lonzo.