If you’ve ever wanted to be a part of a middling baseball franchise that’s gotten off to a horrendously depressing start in what was supposed to be a vastly improved season, then, my friend, do I have some news for you.
The Phillies put out an interesting call on social media last week, asking for YouTube-submitted applications from left-handed fans who were interested in tossing batting practice during home games this season. Let embattled meathead coach Gabe Kapler give you all the bold details himself:
Are you a lefty with (somewhat of) a cannon arm and a dream of being in the big leagues?
It’s not too late – @gabekapler is looking for a left-handed BP pitcher to throw to our guys at CBP all season!
— Philadelphia Phillies (@Phillies) March 28, 2018
Alright, this is pretty cool. The Phillies are giving fans the opportunity of a lifetime to toss BP at Citizens Bank Park and interact with some of their favorite athletes. Neat! Of course, this is also a great opportunity for bloggers, since all submissions had to be posted on YouTube for consideration, giving cowards like myself the opportunity to shit all over someone’s dream (basically the internet in a nutshell) from the safety of my own living room.
Before we delve in, though, I know what you’re thinking; this guy is going to be a huge asshole to these poor people when all they did was put themselves out there. They’re taking a big chance, right? Maybe he should put his money where his mouth is and let us see an audition video of his own?
Let me assure you that if I were left-handed I would undoubtedly submit a video and dazzle YouTube viewers with an array of crafty off-speed pitches, pinpoint location, and filthy heat that would have Gabe Kapler reaching for his well-worn jar of coconut oil and THANKING GOD that the Lord created an arm such as mine.
Unfortunately for the Phillies, and for baseball fans throughout the world, I’m not a southpaw, and thus ineligible for the job. My talents are wasted because the franchise refuses to accept a right-handed pitcher. It’s an out and out case of prejudice and it makes my soul weep.
So it will have to be someone else.
All good submissions! I’ll be the first to admit that the majority of videos on YouTube aren’t bad! These three are a good microcosm of what I generally found… all left-handed, all with decent velocity and control…. any of these would be a good addition for the Phillies.
Of course, if they are selected for the position they’ll run the risk of finding themselves on the big league roster and in the bullpen by May 1 with the way Kapler uses relief pitchers.
This may be my absolute favorite. Thomas DiGiralomo (spelling?) I salute you my friend! His “tryout” consists of him throwing one AND ONLY ONE pitch from conservatively 10-feet away into a steel folding chair. His buddy recording the tryout could not do a worse job of tracking the pitch and misses every instance of it traveling through the air. I have so many questions…. was this the best pitch they were able to record? Why did they only record one pitch? What was he saying before the video cuts off at the end? I can only imagine the discussion the two had before posting the video on YouTube.
DiGiralomo: (gasping for breath after one pitch) “Did you get that?”
Buddy: “Not really. I got a good shot of the steel chair falling over though.”
DiGiralomo: “Ok, not optimal, but did you make sure to open the recording with a shot of my feet and the walkway, and then awkwardly pan up and over to the left to get me in frame like we discussed?”
Buddy: “I did, but I really think we should shoot another pitc-”
DiGiralomo: “No it’s fine. Let’s go to the Tap and Kap for a beer.”
Look, I’m no expert, but if you’re going to submit an application to be a pitcher for the Phillies than maybe your video submission should actually show you PITCHING? Just one little pitch? Even Thomas Digaralimononono up there gave us one. It’s evident to me that Marc Kay just aimed his iPhone at a PowerPoint presentation of his trips to Phillies fantasy camp over the years. I don’t think a lone slide in your presentation of you in a windup with the label, “You’re out!” effectively shows off your pitching abilities, Marc. Sorry.
Yet ANOTHER submission where the applicant doesn’t even bother to pick up a baseball.
BOLD CHOICE to film your application as you recklessly drive to the office, not even giving a cursory glance to traffic as you careen down the roadway. If you’re as serious about pitching bullpen practice sessions as you are about putting the lives of everyone in the proximity of your vehicle at great danger, then you’re hired my friend.
I don’t have much to say about the pitcher, but my god look at the glorious specimen in the batter’s box. It’s like the pitcher and catcher picked him up on the day of his release from prison, stuck a bat in his hands, and dragged him to the baseball field. Check out those calves, carved from grecian marble, triumphantly reflecting the afternoon sun. A classic Delco specimen if I’ve ever seen one.
If I didn’t know any better, I’d 100% say that’s famed Philadelphia comedian Big Jay Oakerson, but he’s not wearing fingerless gloves so I doubt it’s him.
Right handed. DISQUALIFIED. Points off for not paying attention to Coach Kapler and getting lost in his six-pack abs and dreamy blue eyes. I’ve been there. I get it.
CH Meili. Opens with a “Happy Easter” to the camera, making sure to keep the true reason for the season in everyone’s mind. Has a customized jersey with his own name on the back of it, effectively saving the frugal franchise a few dollars, making him the front runner for the job.
Greg Gonet! My personal pick for the position, his audition video at the time of writing this post sits at 56 views. I’d wager 55 of them have been from me. I’ve studied this footage more intently than Earl Warren watching the Zapruder film. IS THAT A SECOND PITCHER BY THE PILE OF USED CLEANING SUPPLIES?!
This son of a bitch throws in jeans, without a glove, and in what looks like well-worn Skecher’s Shape Ups. Filmed in a modified bus hanger that most likely holds the decapitated body of the athletic gentleman who was originally slated to star in the video, Gonet looks like he tops out at a respectable 35 miles per hour. Unconcerned with editing out NUMEROUS pitches that would have struck a batter’s head (0:19 and 0:23), Gonet wings arching lob after arching lob over a bed of Rocky music as an odd lackey dutifully hands him baseballs out of a plastic shopping bag.
He’s no worse than Geoff Geary, Phillies, and you employed him for five seasons.
Give it to the man from THE BOLD NORTH and let’s get this Phillies season kicked into high gear.