Markelle Fultz and Orlando Will be a Perfect Match

Photo credit: Eric Hartline-USA TODAY Sports

An old Chinese riddle has puzzled philosophers and seekers of truth for decades.

“If the first overall pick of the NBA draft takes a parting shot at the city and the coach that supported him for two angst-filled years, does anyone care?”

All apologies to Danny Watkins, but the biggest draft bust in Philadelphia history just couldn’t help himself. Markelle Fultz couldn’t resist taking one last passive aggressive shot at the coaching staff, fans, and city that cheered every awkward attempted three pointer, every herky jerky free throw, and every head-scratching excuse for an ever-devolving jump shot the cherubic cheeked failure could throw at us.

At least this time he said it to reporters instead of posting it on social media like a 16-year-old girl who was just dumped by her boyfriend before the big Spring Fling Dance.

You really can’t trust NO ONE !! How could he have done this to me?!” We get it, Emma, enough already.

Talking to the assembled Orlando Magic media for the first time since being traded for a case of floor wax and Jonathon Simmons, Fultz decided it would be the perfect opportunity to toss a molotov cocktail at the franchise that went to exorbitant lengths to protect him and his delicate psyche at every turn.

During his introductory press conference, Fultz pontificated on what excited him about the change of scenery from Philadelphia and what would enable him to be a better player for Orlando:

“It just excites me to know that I have a coach that’s going to push you to be better and not just going to tell you what you want to hear,” Fultz said.

Oh, so that’s what Fultz needed….he just needed some tough love to reach the dizzying heights of a so far wasted professional career. He wasn’t held back by a mysterious pseudo-injury, or the yips, or a domineering mother, or his inability to ride a BMX bike…no no no, it was the yes men in Philadelphia that didn’t challenge him enough who held him back from truly being great.

Like an elementary school student who acts out in class because the curriculum is too easy, the young lad just needed more of a challenge to BLOSSOM as an athlete. Orlando and its rabid fan base of octogenarians looking to get out of the heat will surely give him the push he needs to successfully shoot a 15-foot jump shot without dislocating both shoulders.

The level of expectations for Fultz in Orlando is the perfect amount because there are NO expectations for playing in Orlando. There are no expectations for anyone in Orlando other than not being eaten by an alligator. That’s it. As long as Fultz isn’t dragged into the murky runoff of a canal and death-rolled by a 15-foot gator, his tenure in Orlando will be considered quite the success. The bar isn’t too high.

It’s perfect for him. He can make all of the passive aggressive tweets he wants, all the excuses he wants, and the fans won’t care. The Magic aren’t going anywhere in the next five years and the fans don’t care. They’re too worried about getting their Fast Pass tickets all lined up for the Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster, starring Aerosmith, to care what a baby-faced shooting guard with tremendously wasted talent has to say.

So God bless this unholy union between a coddled professional athlete who will never understand how easy he had it in Philadelphia and the swamp he now finds himself playing in. I’m sure he’ll enjoy touring Disney World with his mother and taking awkward pictures on Splash Mountain where he’s the only rider who’s incapable of fully extending his arms over his head for the final big drop.

Enjoy it Markelle. We all eagerly await your Magic debut in game 78 of the 2025 season. Your road to obscurity begins now.

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19 Comments

  • Bob Thornton February 15, 2019 at 9:52 am

    So glad that dude and big momma are out of town . Sixers fans better not cheer him when he comes back . I still cringe at that stupid fultz Vikings chant . Pussy never deserved that cheer

    Reply
    • Dan Griffoni February 15, 2019 at 11:00 am

      Why would you expect fans to care about the details of a team that is playing great and in first place? But two years ago most fans could tell you “ten guys” who were on team, because those of us who supported and followed the “Process” were quite tuned in to CBS. So you picked the right year and if people wanted to throw their money away during the tear down (which was 2016), that’s their mumbo jumbo. And if it meant the hope of having movie tickets when the potential time magazine came, good for them. They hit the crockpot.

      For the record, off the top of my head: Meow

      Reply
    • So Taguchi - Phillies Legend February 15, 2019 at 11:28 am

      Look, I will say that I was one of his more vocal supporters. Did he deserve the cheers? No. I can’t speak for everyone, but I just wanted him to come back and meet expectations. I just wanted pump up the #1 pick to become what we expected him to be – the 3rd star on this team, who we proactively traded assets to get (which I can’t shit on, because I was all for it when normal collars made the trade and I may be an asshole but i’m not a hypocrite). I won’t boo him on his return though…if he comes back and plays well, its more an indictment on the ability of the Sixers medical staff to diagnose a medical ailment than his mental capacity.

      Reply
    • Hextall's Glasses February 15, 2019 at 11:43 am

      It’s cringy now looking back at it yeah. People just didn’t want that pick to be a bust. Nobody is going to cheer for him if and when he comes back around here. Some will probably boo him for his shitty little coaching comments.

      Reply
  • The Dude February 15, 2019 at 9:57 am

    If you actually read the quote in context it seems more like a boring platitude than an actual calculated shot at the sixers or Brett Brown, but I guess that doesn’t generate the clicks. I hope the kid does figure it out eventually but he wore out his welcome here and had to be moved. Nothing personnel, kid

    Reply
    • delco soccer dad February 15, 2019 at 2:10 pm

      Nothing Personnel? what do you work in HR?

      Reply
  • Wow, so edgy, so Philly February 15, 2019 at 10:04 am

    and so original. Nothing like a “Let’s take shots at another city and their fans, because we are Philly and we are just so darn passionate” post. Let’s just completely ignore the fact that about 75% of the current “Sixers fans” are total bandwagon types that couldn’t have named three guys on the team 2 years ago

    Reply
    • That guy February 15, 2019 at 10:29 am

      Are you like this with your favorite bands too?

      Reply
    • Ken Kaplan February 15, 2019 at 10:42 am

      Why would you expect fans to care about the details of a team that was designed to lose? And lose badly. But two years ago most fans could tell you “three guys” who were on team, because those of us who supported and followed the “Process” were quite tuned in t o the team. So you picked the wrong year and if people wanted to throw their money away during the tear down (which was NOT 2016), that’s their business. And if it meant the hope of having season tickets when the potential good times came, good for them. They hit the jack pot.
      For the record, off the top of my head.

      Joel Embiid Ben Simmons, Robert Covington, Dario Saric, TJ Mcconell ,Richaun Holmes, Sergio Rodriguez, Jerami Grant (Until Traded). Irsan Iyasova, Jeryd Bayless, Jahlil Okafor, Nick Stauskas

      Reply
    • B February 15, 2019 at 11:14 am

      Well said.

      Reply
  • OneManWolfpack February 15, 2019 at 10:05 am

    ” Orlando and its rabid fan base of octogenarians looking to get out of the heat will surely give him the push he needs to successfully shoot a 15-foot jump shot without dislocating both shoulders.”
    This was good. Fultz is garbage

    Reply
  • SH February 15, 2019 at 10:26 am

    It’s easy to dump on the guy after he left. That being said, there is a LOT of weird shit going on around this guy and they shouldn’t have drafted him in the first place. Adam Silver and the Colangelos fucked us.

    Reply
    • Well Said!! February 15, 2019 at 11:29 am

      Yes Sliver and Colangelo’s did fuck us!

      Reply
  • BigShot February 15, 2019 at 10:46 am

    FUCK HIM…PU$$Y….

    Reply
  • Hoax February 15, 2019 at 10:53 am

    Fultz is a Jussie.

    Reply
  • Chicago Philly Phan February 15, 2019 at 10:58 am

    Sixers should have drafted my boy Lonzo. Its ok, we didn’t want to play for that trash team anyway.

    Reply
  • B February 15, 2019 at 11:43 am

    I don’t have high expectations for the kid but w/that being said after reading this blog i really hope that he turns out to be one of those guys that for whatever reason always seems to have massive games against his former team but even if he just devolops into a solid role player that would be ok. The cold hard truth is that its not like the sixers are actually gonna win a championship anyways. The truth hurts sometimes.

    Reply
  • Kam February 15, 2019 at 1:24 pm

    😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

    Reply
  • Scott February 15, 2019 at 5:56 pm

    He will fit perfectly down here. It will be magic if he ever sees the court.

    Reply
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