(Caution: this post contains spoilers, so if you aren’t caught up on GOT, you’ve got less than 72 hours to binge)
Fire and blood. Incest and dragons and whatnot.
Game of Thrones returns this weekend.
I’ll be 100% honest with you; I’m not as hyped as I thought I would be. Maybe the two-year break dulled my senses, or maybe some of the story arcs lost me when the show writers moved past George R.R. Martin’s book material. It took Arya Stark five seasons to cross the sea, for example, then she came back and started killing everybody in five seconds, with laughable ease.
It felt like some plot lines were taking forever to develop, then they put the characters in a DeLorean time machine and stuffed four years worth of material into one season, like a high fantasy burrito. We had to endure the Sand Snakes and redundant Ramsey Bolton behavior along the way. Every sadistic move delivered diminishing returns, in my opinion.
But I’m still ready to roll. Jon and Daenerys are on the same side. Cersei can’t be trusted. The Hound is still out there, ready to eat every chicken in Westeros.
Here’s how we imagined Philadelphia sports figures as GOT characters:
Markelle Fultz as Jaime Lannister
Both were excellent at their craft, then they suffered arm issues and were never the same.
What role will they play in 2019?
any Sixers 1st round draft pick as Bran Stark
We see great things in their future, then they get hurt, can’t use their legs, and just watch things happen.
Domonic Brown as Brother Ray
Big Ian McShane fan right here, dating back to his days on the criminally underrated Deadwood.
Similar to Dom Brown, I had high hopes for Brother Ray, but then he was killed off after something like three scenes and that was pretty much it.
Kendall Jenner as Cersei Lannister
They are the queens, whether we want to accept it or not.
-Kinkead, h/t Investor Jeff
Howie Roseman as Jon Snow
Both were forsaken/murdered by their own men, but found their way back to the top. Jon became Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch and Lord of Winterfell. Howie Roseman reclaimed his general manager gig and constructed the team that won Philadelphia its first Super Bowl. Take that, Chip Kelly and Olly.
Sam Hinkie as Ned Stark
Both men tried to steer the kingdom in the right direction.
Then they were betrayed from within and replaced with puppet leaders.
Anti-Hinkie people as the Sons of the Harpy
They just did not like how the new leader was doing things. They preferred the old methods.
(photo credit: HBO)
Eagles fans as the Dothraki
Uncouth barbarian hordes who throw batteries, boo injured players, and mistreat North Dakota radio hosts. They make crude jokes and show a lack of patience.
Flyers fans as the Wildlings
We have to guard our borders from these Delaware County savages.
Boban Marjanovic as Wun Wun the Giant
A couple of fan-favorite front court players. One can dunk without leaving the ground and the other smashed down Winterfell’s gate to end The Battle of the Bastards.
Gritty as Tormund Giantsbane
Two more fan-favorite characters with great personalities and orange hair.
(photo credit: USA Today Sports/HBO)
The Eagles’ offensive line as Hodor
Protecting the more vulnerable folks out there, whether they’re quarterbacks or omniscient cripples.
Dario Saric as Khal Drogo
You might’ve thought, “Hmm… Dario Saric… Daario Naharis?” No, you fool. Dario Saric, just like Khal Drogo, is a revered and feared warrior from another continent who is never going to cross the sea. If he did, he’d likely get attacked by warriors with better lateral quickness.
Phil Martelli as Ser Barristan Selmy
He served admirably for many years, then he was ousted by his superiors and didn’t take it very well.
Andrew Bynum as the entire Dorne storyline
Just two terrible experiences overall.
(photo credit: Sixers/HBO)
T.J. McConnell as Tyrion Lannister
Full disclosure: I have only watched two scenes from this entire show’s run. I watched the Red Wedding. And I watched the Viper get killed by the Mountain for no good reason. Anyway, this comparison is a little bit on the nose, but so what? TJ is kind of a mascot on the Sixers and in the NBA. He’s not really good enough to be in the league, but no one has told him to go away, so here he is. That’s sort of where we are with Peter Dinklage’s character. What can he really do among all this gore and violence and evil? For obvious physical reasons, he’s not much use. Because I don’t watch the show, I don’t care what happens to Tyrion Lannister. But I imagine TJ will be out of the league soon, and if that’s what happens to Tyrion on GOT, that’s fine with me.
Andy Reid as Mance Rayder
Well liked by their followers, they were so close to getting the job done. They just couldn’t get over the hump and their lieutenants took over instead.
El Wingador as The Hound
They will eat every fucking chicken in here.
CrossingBroad.com as The Citadel
Endless sources of knowledge, wisdom, and sometimes satire.
Chip Kelly as Euron Greyjoy
Chip Kelly came from a land that was mocked and looked down upon in NFL circles. He ran a gimmicky offense while crowning himself with a cute visor while chasing a duck. He looked like a fool. However, upon entering the NFL, his team began to take the league by storm.
“Build me a thousand ships and I shall give you the world!”
Then, much like Euron’s GQ model entrance to season 7, Chip arrived boldly, having cast aside his enemy Howie Roseman, practically cut out the tongues of his players (no one could criticize him), hunted down DeSean Jackson and Shady McCoy, handed them over to be locked in the Washington and Buffalo dungeons and watch one another decompose. Also like Euron in Season 7, when confronted with the reality that his players hated him and the league had learned his system, he fled.
Note: Yes, I know Euron’s getting the Golden Company.
Alshon Jeffery as Daario Naharis
Both sell swords brought in to teams on the rise but not at their peaks on “prove it” deals. Alshon proved it in the playoffs and the Super Bowl while playing with a torn rotator cuff, Daario proved it by killing all of his colleagues for the Mother of Dragons.
DeSean Jackson as Jorah Mormont
They never asked to leave. They were exiled, then returned.
-somebody in Slack, can’t recall
Ray Didinger as Ser Davos Seaworth, the Onion Night
I haven’t found a person who dislikes either of these guys.
(via NBC Sports Philadelphia/HBO)
Ben Simmons as Grey Worm
Neither has a lot to say. They’re more about action than words. And they’re dating high profile women in Kendall Jenner and Missandei.
Angelo Cataldi as Lord Petyr Baelish, aka Littlefinger
They created legions of followers just by saying a bunch of shit. Everybody else can see through the mirage, but you begrudgingly tip your hat to their expertise in the art of self-preservation.
Howard Eskin as Lord Varys
Both worked their way up from the bottom to hold court with some big names. No one is really sure what they do exactly at this point, what their end game is, or why anyone trusts them. Varys and Eskin both make bold fashion statements even though neither has the balls to back them.
Bryan Colangelo as Jaqen H’ghar, The Faceless Man
You just didn’t know if you could trust him.
-someone in Slack
Barbara Bottini as The Waif
Minor female characters who ended up becoming universally disliked. Both just had a huge chip on their shoulder, for whatever reason.
Dallas Cowboy fans who live in this region as King Joffrey
Just totally repulsive and vile. Ridiculous individuals with no redeeming qualities.
Jason Peters as Beric Dondarrion
Every time you think he’s dead, he returns to life.
Mo’Ne Davis as Lyanna Mormont of Bear Island
Small but formidable, these ladies came out of nowhere to become popular figures.
Nick Foles as Podrick Payne
A couple of crowd favorites with legendary private parts.
Agent Raymond Brothers as Mirri Maz Duur
Both suggested alternative medical treatments for their respective clients.
Bronn as Bryce Harper
A sell sword who used to be a bad guy. Then we ended up becoming the highest bidder, so he’s one of ours and everybody loves him.
The Phillie Phanatic as the Night King
No one knows who or what they really are.
Any member of the 1993 Phillies as King Robert Baratheon
A lot of drinking and whoring going on here. *Allegedly.*
Carli Lloyd as Daenerys Targaryen
A world cup winner and a possible world conqueror.
Elena Delle Donne as Brienne of Tarth
A couple of tall blondes who have found much success in their respective crafts.
Jerry Colangelo as Olenna Tyrell
Tried to insert her less than bright relative into a position of power and it got everyone killed.
-someone in Slack
(photo credit: USA Today Sports/HBO)
That’s it. That’s the story. Thanks for reading.