Welcome to game five, hopefully the closeout game between our sweet, innocent, beloved 76ers and the weasley-faced, cheap-shotting Brooklyn Nets at a ROCKING Wells Fargo Center.

I talked too much shit and wrote way too much inflammatory nonsense about this game for the 76ers to not close this series out tonight in dominating fashion. Please help old Uncle Coggin out tonight, boys, and don’t make an ass out of me.

Since I know SO many of you enjoyed my last running diary (a concept I 100% invented) for the first day of the NCAA Tournament, I thought I’d jump back in for game five.

One, two, three, four, five Sixers…let’s see what happens.

8 p.m. – We are LIVE at the Wells Fargo Center, the sweet sounds of Marc Zumoff and Alaa Abelnaby joining us for this hopefully closeout game five. Going with the hometown announcers tonight, despite the excellence of Kevin Harlan on TNT. The closeout game deserves a little homerism from the local boys and 100% less Reggie Miller in my life.

8:01 p.m. – Wasn’t a huge fan of Alaa when he came on to the broadcast team a few years back,  but goddamn is he great with Zumoff. Love his velvety, dulcet tones.

8:10 p.m. – DO IT ALAA, LAY THOSE KEYS OF THE GAME ON ME BROTHER. Fascinating. I agree, the 76ers do need to be physical tonight. Great insight.

8:12 p.m. – 76ers turn it over on their first possession. Not great!  However, the second Jared Dudley touches the ball a WALL of boos rained down on his melted milk dud head. Very great!

8:13 p.m. – 76ERS UP 2-0! IF WE CAN HOLD THEM HERE WE’LL WIN. Somewhere Jim Schwartz is screaming at the defenders to move back to the 1st down marker.

8:14 p.m. – Joel Embiid has 6 points in three minutes. Imagine how much better he’d be if he hadn’t taken down those 10 Shake Shack burgers pregame?

8:14 p.m. – My wife just asked me why I’m typing so much during the game. I said I’m writing a running diary of the game for Crossing Broad. She sighed loudly and looked back down at her phone. Love you too sweetie! You’re my everything.

8:15 p.m. – Jimmy Butler steals the ball when the camera isn’t even broadcasting the action and puts the Sixers up 8-0. Time out Nets. Shape up, NBC Sports Philadelphia, I don’t pay thousands in taxes each year so you can lollygag around during the game and have me miss wet, WET Butler defensive plays.

8:19 p.m. – Dudley drives into the paint, sees Embiid looming, throws up in his mouth a little bit and promptly turns the ball over. NOT LOOKING TOO GOOD, DUDUMS. BOOOOOOO!

8:21 p.m. – Nearly half of the quarter is already finished and the Nets haven’t scored a single point, have three turnovers, and two 24-second clock violations. Zane from Bushwick would be crying into his IPA right now if he were into basketball at all instead of Quidditch.

8:22 p.m. – Dudley picks up a foul and is promptly taken out of the game. That’s probably for the best. AND HERE COMES THE DUDLEY SUCKS CHANTS. Sweet, sweet honey to my ears.

8:28 p.m. – Boban Marjanovich with the sneaky good pass to find James Ennis for the easy layup. He’s a force when he catches it by the free throw line. Where would this team be without Bobi? What a goofy bastard…a goofy bastard that could squash my head like a melon in between his giant mitts if he wanted to. If you see this just know I love you, Bobi.

8:30 p.m. – It’s 23-2. My God. Expecting the Nets to take the starters out any moment. Need to rest up for next season.

8:33 p.m. – Ennis swoops into the lane and scores with ease to put the Sixers up 30-8. When James Ennis III is swooping or flying or diving WITH EASE against your team you know things are most assuredly not going your way.

8:34 p.m. – Just noticed Rondae Hollis-Jefferson looks like a background extra from the movie “How High” that had a line of dialogue but was so bad at acting it was cut from the final print.

8:37 p.m. – “A ROUSING ovation for the 76ers after 12 minutes!” You tell em’, Zumoff. Sixers up 32 to 17 and I am wildly confident about the rest of this game. I don’t recall the 76ers ever letting teams back into games after going up big in the regular season, do you? Neither do I.

8:41 p.m. – Sixers up 36-17. Embiid picked up a technical after dunking on and mocking Hollis-Jefferson, who is missing an audition for “Friday After Next: The Friday after That” to play in this game.  D’Angelo Russell promptly misses the free throw. Well worth it, Joel. Treat yourself to a baker’s dozen Chick-Fil-A breakfast Chick-n-Minis tomorrow morning.

8:43 p.m. – Russell has been all but invisible in this series for the last three games. What are the chances he ends up overweight and looking exactly like Coolio in his later years? 90%? 95%? What happens it’s not going to be a fantastic voyage for him, that’s for sure.

8:45 p.m. – Butler is channeling his inner Frank Costanza and is ALL OVER THAT COURT TONIGHT. “We’re gonna be in the pool… we’re gonna be in the clubhouse… we’re gonna be all over that shuffleboard court … and I dare you to keep me out!”

Another Butler steal, an Embiid three, and it’s now 41-17.

8:48 p.m. – Dudley back in. Dudley another drive. Dudley with a BRICK of epic proportions. One possession later pulls up from three and BRICKS IT AGAIN. He must have forgotten his safeword because this crowd is just PUNISHING him tonight with no end in sight. I have a theory that he’s actually a sadomasochist and is just getting off on this degrading treatment from the crowd. More, MORE BOOS. PLEASE PUNISH ME, I’VE BEEN A BAD BOY.

Sinner.

8:52 p.m. – Let’s see what’s going on with the Phillies for a second here…. ::sees it’s 8-0 Mets, quietly turns the channel back to the 76ers and vows to never speak of this decision again:: Sixers baby! Sixers!

8:53 p.m. – Just a handful of jelly beans for energy. I’m on my second bag since Easter. Jesus rose from the grave for this? FOR ME?! He has to be so disappointed.

8:57 p.m. – Boban with a BEAUTIFUL spin move from the post for a layup, but is called for travelling. Awful call.  ::sees a replay, sees he took about 6 steps and jumped a little bit before shooting:: Just an awful call. 49-29 Sixers.

9 p.m.  – J.J. “Sugah” Redick drains an off balance three in Joe Harris’ face for the 54-29 lead. Miserable series for Harris. The guy Redick saw in the cage of his Uber is having more fun right now.

9:05 p.m. – Mike Scott is hurt. Dear god why? I’m not looking forward to reading 10,000 of the same tweets about him stepping on a Foreman Grill on the sideline.

9:08 p.m.  – Simmons nearly drains a fadeaway jump shot from the foul line at the end of the half that surely would have sent me into devastating coma if it went in.

::wakes up 30 years in the future:: “What…..what happened?! Oh god that’s right, the Simmons fadeaway….” ::flatlines as my wife silently fistpumps::

Sixers 60, Nets 31 at halftime.

9:15 p.m. – My wife decides it’s the perfect time to start talking to me about cinch backpacks. When I was in my 20s, a single guy with his full life ahead of him, I never thought in my wildest nightmares that I would ever have an opinion on a cinch backpack, but here we are.

“Oh yeah, I’d go with the green one definitely. Won’t be as hot in the sun. Good for the beach!”

9:24 p.m. – And we are back to start the second half! The green cinch backpack has been ordered and Joel nails a three to open the scoring. Redick follows with ANOTHER three, followed by a thunderous dunk from Simmons. Tony “Duke” Evers is screaming at the Nets to THROW THE TOWEL! THROW THE DAMNED TOWEL! 68-31.

9:26 p.m. – Embiid still dominating and all I can think about now is Rocky IV.

Brett Brown post game: “Whatever he hits, he destroys!”

9:28 p.m. – Who thought the car insurance commercial where the guy’s girlfriend has a screw lodged in her head would be a good idea? You know what would sell a lot of policies? A guy BITING a screw out of his significant other’s skull. Sure it’s sexy, but it doesn’t make a lot of sense.

9:35 p.m. – Embiid airballs a three in an obvious satirical take on Dudley’s series antics. A biting commentary on sportsmanship and what it means to be a professional athlete. How droll.

9:41 p.m. – “That Guy” Rodions Kurucs comes in and promptly scores eight points to cut the Sixers leads to 31. Kurucs looks like every non-descript European villain from every bad action movie ever. “And I will not give you back the launch codes until 500 million Euros are deposited directly into my account.”

Thanks for not playing him until the third quarter when your team was down 40, Coach Atkinson. Dudley really needed that run.

9:43 p.m. – Coach Atkinson looks like an alcoholic private investigator who sleeps in his suit and has seen some real horrifying shit in his time.

9:46 p.m. – Ennis with a steal. Touch pass to Simmons. Touch pass back to Ennis who swoops in for the dunk. So much swooping tonight for Ennis. Sixers 90, Nets 55.

9:48 p.m. – My kid lets out an ear-splitting scream over the monitor and promptly goes back to sleep. Kids are great, aren’t they folks?

9:51 p.m. – Embiid checking out Amir Johnson’s Bumble account on his iphone during the timeout.

9:53 p.m. – SIXERS WIN! 95 to 64! Just absolute domination from post to post for the 76ers. What a game, what a series! And we are on to Toronto baby!

9:54 p.m. – And I am being informed that was only the end of the third quarter. Fuck my life, I have to watch more of this? These teams don’t care anymore, why should I?

9:58 p.m. – Embiid just sent Zhaire Smith out into the concourse with an epipen to buy him some peanuts.

10:00 p.m. – Ennis. Swooping. Three. Good.

10:01 p.m. – Serena Winters rocking some glasses tonight from the Warby Parker Elementary School Librarians line. She looks like she could definitely give you a full rundown of the Dewey Decimal System, if you catch my drift ::wink wink wink wink wink::

10:06 p.m. – Zumoff: “Jared Dudley did say one interesting thing after game 4.”

Abdelnaby: “Did he? I must have missed it.”

Digging that screwdriver deeper into the kidney of all Nets fans, aren’t you fellas? I’m here for it. Just push Dudley’s corpse into a shallow grave and let’s never think of him again.

10:11 p.m. – The scrubs are in. I want to go to sleep. There’s still 7 minutes left in the game. STOP FOULING PLEASE.

10:12 p.m. – The confetti guy should just shoot that shit off now.

10:22 p.m. – FIGHT! FIGHT! Bolden and Kurucs have to be separated after Bolden rejects Kurucs’ weak ass shit layup attempt. Kurucs and his infuriatingly wispy goatee are ejected from the game, same with Bolden and Greg Monroe, who most likely came off the bench on purpose so he could beat the traffic home. Crafty veteran move.

10:26 p.m. – Alaa sadly says goodbye to Zumoff as the local broadcasting team wraps up another season. Gets me every year. The boys say goodbye to Serena as well, who is late for her shift at the Philadelphia Public Library. Those non-fiction biographies won’t restock themselves, Serena (get some new glasses, I beg of you).

10:28 p.m. – AND THAT’S IT! (that’s it, right? The game is finally over?) 10, 9, 8, 76ers…we are HOOPING into the next round and on to Toronto. Just a humiliating display from the Nets as they go down with a whimper, 122 to 100. I don’t think a game has ever been less in doubt than this one tonight. The 76ers led every second of the closeout game and ROUNDLY THRASHED the upstart Nets, who can go straight to hell.

A good series for the 76ers after a nightmare game one. “Cyborg trying to understand human emotions” Kawhi Leonard and the Raptors await in the second round. Really not sure what to think of that series…I like it to go seven games and I put my chances of doing another running diary in that series at 0%.