I watched the Democratic debate last night. Too many people on stage + not enough time = candidates talking over one another, which resulted in a waste of more time.

They honestly should have just split the debate into four different nights of five people each, which would have let us hear more about their actual platforms, ya know??? That’s just my opinion, man. I need substance. I need to hear about policy, not just “Donald Trump sucks, we must defeat him, blah blah blah.”

Anyway, here are 25 things I would do on my first day in office, after the jump:

  1. abolish the Philadelphia Parking Authority
  2. all towing companies are permanently exiled from the city
  3. fill all the pot holes within seven days
  4. expand the Schuylkill Expressway to eight lanes
  5. institute a new 10% “poser tax” for local Dallas Cowboys and Los Angeles Lakers fans
  6. Anybody who sets off fireworks during a non-holiday is fined $750 and sentenced to 30 days of community service.
  7. Anybody who fails to pick up their dog shit is also fined $750 and sentenced to 30 days of community service.
  8. Philadelphia residents are now required to introduce themselves to their neighbors, and talk to them.
  9. PennDOT is now only allowed to work on one project at a time. They must finish that project before moving on to the next one.
  10. The Philadelphia Department of Revenue must actually cash your checks, instead of sitting on them for four weeks. If they fail to cash your check within a month, you are refunded entirely.
  11. I will cap the cost of parking at the sports complex at $10. Anybody caught charging more than $10 is arrested.
  12. Every resident will spend 30 minutes per week picking up trash and cleaning up their block. Failure to comply is a $100 fine.
  13. All local breweries must reduce IPA production by 50%. If a brewery offers 12 beers, and six or more are IPA, they will be fined $75,000.
  14. Anybody caught putting a restaurant menu in your mailbox or sticking it in the crack of your door is arrested.
  15. Loco Pez will be given $10,000,000 in tax payer money to open ten new locations in Philadelphia.
  16. All restaurants will be forced to accept credit cards. We will abolish “cash only” restaurants with ATMs carrying a $3 surcharge.
  17. Whenever a band plays at Camden’s BB&T Pavilion, they must address the crowd as “Philadelphia.”
  18. Residents caught playing mumble rap are fined $50.
  19. Residents caught playing Tupac, DMX, Nas, or UGK are given a $100 annual tax credit.
  20. Shoppers at the Port Richmond IGA will be limited to two avocados per visit (because the hipsters come down from Kensington and buy 4-5 at time, which means you can’t find any ripe avocados, ever).
  21. Residents who use orange cones or folding chairs to hold parking spots will be arrested and publicly shamed at City Hall.
  22. Anybody who adopts a dog or cat from the SPCA gets a $3,000 tax credit.
  23. If you are caught arguing about cheesesteaks, i.e., “my favorite cheesesteak place is (location),” you are exiled.
  24. Election Day becomes a local holiday, all businesses are forced to close, and all residents are forced to actually care about Philly politics.
  25. Bruce Springsteen is permanently banned from playing in Philadelphia.

Let’s make the right choice in 2020.

I’m Kevin Kinkead and I approve this message…. byahhh!