The NFL Draft is here. It was a long wait, but we finally made it!

Crossing Broad does not typically do mock drafts, but this year we’re breaking protocol and throwing our hat in the mix. We’re jumping into the fray and giving the readers what they want, which is the 11,756th mock draft of this NFL offseason.

Without further ado, here are our staff predictions for what the Eagles will do this weekend:

 

Round one, pick #12 – reach for an undersized pass rusher

Howie Roseman will have his pick of elite cornerbacks and receivers. However, he is ENAMORED with a tweener coming out of the Pac 12. This guy is too small to be a defensive end and too big to be an outside linebacker. But they see a ton of upside in this player and just can’t pass him up, even though he’ll be available in the third round. So they say “no thanks” to Patrick Surtain and DeVonta Smith to snag their guy instead.

 

Round two, pick #37 – a quarterback

With Justin Fields available at #12, the Eagles PASS.

Instead, they go for Florida’s Kyle Trask and fire up the quarterback factory. The assembly line begins to once again pump out elite signal callers.

 

Round three, pick #70 – a receiver who can’t catch or get open

Should the Birds have pounced on Smith? What about Rashod Bateman? Nah.

They wait until the third round and take Tennessee’s Josh Palmer, who only logged 475 yards last season but showed a lot of promise and has a high ceiling. He’s a dynamic playmaker, according to only the Eagles. Every other team had him graded as a 5th rounder.

 

Round three, pick #84 – somebody coming off a debilitating injury

With the success of the Sidney Jones pick, the Eagles go for VALUE with their second third rounder. This player will actually go on to only play three games for the Birds, but it’s a risk they had to take, even though there were 500 perfectly healthy players they could have gone with instead.

 

Round four, pick #123 – guy who didn’t even play football until 2019

The Eagles struck gold with Davion Taylor, who barely played football until he got to college. As a result, the Birds go to that well again, and draft offensive tackle Joe Schmoe out of TCU, who was a baseball player for 14 years until Gary Patterson convinced him to try football.

Howie Roseman applauding himself after nailing the first five picks (Eric Hartline, USA Today Sports)

 

Round five, pick #150 – player who doesn’t even like football

In round five, the Eagles go with Tim Thompson, out of Boise State.

Thompson plays one season with the Birds then decides to retire at age 23 to pursue his real passion of botany. Ten years later, he’s running a legal cannabis shop in Pocatello.

 

Round six, pick #189 – dude from a FCS school you’ve never heard of

With the 189th pick in the 2021 NFL Draft, the Eagles select Bobby Bronson, cornerback, Tarleton State University.

(Tarleton State had a huge win over Weber State last year in which Bronson had 4 interceptions and a forced fumble).

 

Round six, pick #224 – finally, a fucking linebacker

Unfortunately he’s not very good and ends up playing special teams for one year before being cut.

 

Round six, pick #225 – some dude from the Big 12 that the scouts didn’t like

We’ve been telling the Eagles for many years now that the Big 12 is just glorified 7 vs. 7 flag football, but they disagree. They go ahead and take defensive end John Doe out of Texas Tech, who didn’t come within five feet of a quarterback during his four years in Lubbock.

Howie Roseman loved this guy on film, but the scouts graded him as a UDFA.

 

Round seven, pick #234 – stumble, ass backwards, into a Pro Bowler

The Eagles completely whiff on their first nine picks.

Then, with their first selection in the 7th round, they select Georgia guard Ben Cleveland, who goes on to play 12 seasons in South Philadelphia and earns six Pro Bowl nominations, cementing his legacy on the Mount Rushmore of best Eagles guards, next to Brandon Brooks, Evan Mathis, and Todd Herremans.

 

Round seven, pick #240 – Doug Pederson’s son

To put a bow on this crap fest, the Eagles go out and make the most ironic selection of all time, drafting Doug Pederson’s son Josh just a few months after firing his dad.

What a draft! Experts give the Eagles an A+. They have won the offseason. We are going to the Super Bowl!