The Philadelphia Inquirer published a full-scale investigation into the Veterans Stadium turf after six former Phillies, who all played on the field, died of a rare brain cancer. They bought a couple slabs of turf from eBay that were part of the field from 1977-81 and sent them to labs to be tested. This is what they found:

Tests run on two of the samples by Eurofins Lancaster Laboratories Environmental Testing found the turf contained 16 different types of PFAS, or per-and polyfluoroalkyl substances — so-called “forever chemicals,” which the EPA has said cause “adverse health effects that can devastate families.”

The Vet was green, fuzzy and full of poison. It would be like the Phanatic’s dick if it had an orgy with a couple strippers from the afternoon lineup at Club Risque.

The Vet turf will be the first domino to fall in terms of linking diseases to playing surfaces. AstroTurf carpeted more football and baseball stadiums than shag did in every porno from the 70s. It was invented by Monsanto. A company who invented a chemical that poisoned U.S. troops during the Vietnam War and poisoned the food supply. They indirectly killed people and somehow Comcast still beat them in a “2014 Worst Company in America” poll. But now Comcast is indirectly killing Flyers fans with bad contracts and no plan for the future so I guess it all evens out in the end.

This shit sucks. Darren Daulton, John Vukovich, Tug McGraw and more may have given their actual life to the Phillies. Vuk and Tug at least had a championship to show for it. Daulton only got one real shot in Philly (before winning in Miami, his final season) and a career filled with mediocre team. That’s a raw deal.

P.S. Somehow I am going to find a way to spin this on The SodFather. Give me a couple days.