Last year Wildwood came for your alcohol, now North Wildwood is coming for your shade. America’s most beautiful beach inhabitants are under attack like a three year old who didn’t protect their Curley’s fries from the seagulls, via Jason Nark at the Inky:

In North Wildwood, every square inch of sand matters, and that’s why the city says it is considering banning tents, cabanas, and oversize umbrellas on its shrinking beaches.

(North Wildwood Mayor Patrick) Rosenello said North Wildwood’s proposed ordinance would still allow traditional, single-pole beach umbrellas. Tents, cabanas, and other temporary shade structures could be allowed back if and when beach replenishment occurs. He said North Wildwood’s proposed ordinance was copied from similar language in Rehoboth Beach, Del., which is also dealing with shrinking beaches.

Shade??? They can ban shade???? Listen I don’t want to be impaled by a rogue cabana as much as the next guy, but you can’t ban shade. What’s next, assigned times on the beach? Assigned seating? How is this being voted on 43 days before Memorial Day weekend? Did the Mayor just wake up, see his shadow, and think we had six more weeks of winter? Chop chop, buddy. I got some Jersey shore to catch. Kinker might think you’re a loser going to the same shore town every year, but some of us enjoy the convenience of the same beach, same street, same waves, and same sand. So am I allowed to bring my umbrella to protect grandma from the UV or is she roasting on the spit this summer?

There’s been a pissing match between the state environmental agency and the mayor of North Wildwood for a couple years now. Btw, did you know Wildwood has three mayors? One for North, one for Wildwood Proper, and one for Wildwood Crest. Do we really need three mayors for 1.65 square miles of land? That’s like having a nanny for each kid. Sure the middle child has already been arrested four times and tried to burn the house down, but suck it up. He’s yours.

The North Wildwood mayor claims the government owes them for sand they’ve been trucking to other towns to help while waiting for the environmental agency to replenish theirs. The agency says Wildwood is illegally re-shaping dunes, which doesn’t help with erosion. I think we need a nice little meeting at Keenan’s over some Miller Lite buckets and a nice diddly from the Juliano Brothers as background. You can’t ban shade on the beach. You start banning shade where does it end? Do you take beach chairs next? Towels? Spikeball??? You can’t take Spikeball! This is America.

Also, don’t we have an unlimited amount of sand? Like the ocean just takes the sand and then we replenish it right? It’s not like the sand evaporates. I’m having a hard time understanding what the problem is here. Just go get it back from the ocean. This isn’t any different than getting the your hedge trimmer from your neighbor who forgot to return it. The ocean is right there you idiots. Go get more sand! The characters in this story remind me of the one’s in the classic novel called The Puppy Who Lost His Way. They just gave up on looking for sand after an hour. They didn’t put posters up or nothing. They just sat on their porch like a goon. Understand you got a job. You got a responsibility. If the sand is lost you don’t look for an hour and call it quits. You get your ass out there and you find that fucking sand!