They say that you’re supposed to control your own narrative, to leave fans, media, and other potential critics with no choice but to trust their eyes and respect the results.

That’s what the Eagles did on Thursday night, battering the Commies at home to improve to 8-2 on the season and take full control of the NFC East with six wins in a row. They started slow, and Jake Elliott couldn’t kick the ball into the ocean from a Wildwood jetty, but ask yourself an honest question – did you feel like they were going to lose this game? Did you feel like they were going to fold in the second half and lose at home to a rookie QB and a Warshington team that’s way ahead of schedule? If you did, it ended up being folly, because they smoked ’em in the second half. The score only looks the way it does because of missed field goals and a garbage time tuddy.

On Thursday night, capitalism won. Communism lost. A victory for all Americans!

To the observations:

1) Al Michaels had a little more juice for this game. That’s not saying much. He’s been phoning it in for years, but also gets stuck with some bad Thursday night matchups, so it’s a mixed bag from him these days. He started off okay, but as the game wore on, he called the big plays with the enthusiasm of paint drying watch party.


2) A little bit of trolling from the Eagles calling a swing pass for ex-Commie Jahan Dotson on the first play of the game. The Birds aren’t the greatest “throw it sideways” team of all time, but it went for eight yards.

3) Jake Elliott has missed five field goals this year. The 44-yarder on the opening drive was the first shank from inside of 50, and it meant that for the ninth time in 10 games, the Eagles failed to score on their first possession. 11 plays, 44 yards, no points. In the second quarter, he missed from 51, which perhaps is Eagles kismet for all of the 4th down fuckery of weeks past. NOW Nick Sirianni decides to kick, and his kicker can’t hit anything. Did Nick reverse screw his guy, or does he know something we don’t?

4) Three and out on the first Washington drive. Guess who? Zack Baun with the PBU to force the Communist punt. Howie might have to give him a new contract sooner rather than later, because the price tag is only going up.

5) It took Saquon Barkley a little more than nine games to reach 1,000 yards. That’s 37 quarters of football, or 27.1 yards per quarter on average. He finished this one with a healthy 146 yards and 2 touchdowns on 26 carries.

6) Braden Mann’s second punt only went 38 yards. A rare bad boot from him. Not a great night for lower body action among Eagles specialists.

7) That Austin Ekeler pass and catch down the sideline – do we think Darius Slay was having trouble shedding the block, or do we think he made a business decision? Maybe a little bit of both.

8) 4 plays, 58 yards, 1:59 on Washington’s first scoring drive. The defense got totally bulldozed by the Commie backs. Punched in the mouth. Bullied.

9) Wouldn’t have minded seeing another angle of the third down slant that fell incomplete to Dotson. Was hard to tell if he just dropped it or the corner got a hand in there from behind. Regardless – punt.

10) Make sure you know Communism when you see it:

11) Oof. That flea flicker took way too long to develop. Wrong place, wrong time. You’re putting together a decent drive and trying to get points on the board, so you go with a trick play on 1st and 10? That was the difference between a red zone entry and a field goal attempt.

12) 3rd and 4:

13) Kirk Herbstreit called Vic Fangio “Vic Fangino.” Like a portmanteau of Vic Fangio and the great Mark Mangino, who once coached the Kansas Jayhawks to an Orange Bowl victory:

14) The Eagles have to throw more slants. A.J. Brown and DeVonta Smith both run the route as well as anyone in the NFL, and it always seems like the play comes with a high success rate. The second quarter slant that Smitty caught went for 21 yards and was the catalyst for putting the first points on the board.

15) The Eagles got a freebie with one of the worst “illegal contact” penalties you’ll ever see.

16) Michaels had a fun Freudian slip when he said “Liberty Bowl” instead of “Liberty Bell.” He had a laugh about it later.

Fun fact: the Liberty Bowl was played in Philadelphia before it moved to Memphis. It was a long time ago. Michaels was in college back then.

17) This was the hit that preceded Hurts going into the blue medical tent for a concussion check:

18) Commies: 124 yards at halftime, 1 for 6 on third down. They were doing two things on offense – jack and shit.

19) The penalty on Cooper DeJean was a makeup call for the illegal contact. Horrible. Reverse racism at its finest.

20) Can’t imagine you’d call a zone read to open the second half if you were worried about Hurts’ noggin. Thankfully the concussion scare ended up being just that – a scare.

21) The little dump off for Barkley was so good. Just a little dink over the blitz from Jalen, Saquon makes a guy miss, and then whoosh, he’s off for 40+ yards. That’s the stuff that was missing last year. Easy blitz beaters. Not complicated, but missing nonetheless.

22) 1st and 10 at the Washington 17: that bubble screen was a total waste of a call. You just ripped off a huge gain to get into the red zone and opened with some sideways shit for Dallas Goedert, which put you in 2nd and 8. It looked like they were having trouble getting the calls in during that second field goal drive and the play clock was running dangerously low before they were snapping the ball.

23) The Commies got away with a grabbing of Smitty’s helmet opening. The roar of the crowd when the replay was shown, and when the flag was picked up, was deafening. As it should be.

24) Hey listen – at least the zebras correctly overturned the Jalen reach for a first down, which was originally ruled short. That was a pretty big call at the time and moved the sticks on third down instead of setting up a dicey 4th and short.

25) Jalen Hurts ATD (anytime touchdown) is one of the surest bets out there in 2024. It’s hit seven times in 10 games and five weeks in a row. What other bets are valued around -110 and hitting at a 70% rate?

26) Elliott missed an extra point, too? He was due for a bad night. Hasn’t had one in a long time.

27) That call of the Eagles stuffing Washington on 4th and 2 in the fourth quarter was totally empty. Michaels’ worst call of the game.

28) Should Dan Quinn have kicked the field goal to go up 13-12? Maybe. The Eagles were moving the ball well by that point, but a field goal wasn’t a sure bet because Elliott was all over the place. I’m really curious to see what he says about that decision.

29) Grant Calcaterra with the play of the game. Holy mackerel. Talk about being Johnny on the spot. There were four Commies around the ball and he was the only Eagle with a legitimate chance to jump on it. I nearly shit a brick when that ball got punched out of Goedert’s arm. Great play by the DB if we’re being honest with ourselves. Better play by TE2. He’s had some really nice moments this season.

30) Jalen Carter is a behemoth. That is all.

31) Once the floodgates opened, the Communists were cooked. 5 plays, 74 yards, touchdown. 2 plays, 46 yards, touchdown. The Eagles left the door open for just a minute, then slammed it shut, with authority. That’s how you finish strong. The garbage time touchdown to Zach Ertz was meaningless.