You’ve probably seen the story of Jason Kelce going in front of his local zoning board, which really is a hilarious snapshot showing the progression of football player to national stardom, now juxtaposed with the business of the suburban everyman. One minute, you’re pancaking some fool in the open field, the next minute you’re asking for permission to build a fence. This is from Laura Fay at EYEWITNESS NEWS* –

Retired Philadelphia Eagles great Jason Kelce is working to make sure his family can stay in Delaware County. 

He spoke at a Haverford Township Zoning Board hearing last week about plans to build a new house on his property, add a fence and remove slopes in the land. He asked for variances to make the changes to his property. 

Neighbors expressed concerns about potential runoff and flooding when the slopes are removed.

“Obviously things for my family are quite unique with the security purposes. We’d like to just deter a little bit of the foot traffic coming in and out of the home, so we were trying to put a fence that sufficiently does that while also appeals to the aesthetic of the area and that people would appreciate,” he said.   

The board approved the variances under the condition that stormwater runoff management is in place to protect the Kelces’ neighbors. 

This seems like the most straightforward story in the history of stories. Homeowner wants to do something. Neighbors express concern. Resolution is reached. The end. Nobody is doing anything wrong here. Jason wants to make some changes to his property and neighbors respond by justifiably saying there’s an issue of a topographic nature. So the township says “you can do X on the condition that you also do Y.”

Without proper drainage you’re under more water than Bernie Madoff.  And anybody who has a basement and/or sump pump can tell you how much you get inside your own head when you get rainfall like we had on Wednesday. Recommendation: look into getting a battery backup for your system, because if the power goes out during a storm you are fucked with a capital F. Now let’s get it back to the Eagles.

*We will never say “CBS News Philadelphia” at Crossing Broad. This news operation will only be known as Eyewitness News.