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Robot Story of the Week: What if Nobody Wants to be the Eagles’ Offensive Coordinator?
Published:
The sky is falling! The Eagles cannot find an offensive coordinator, or at least that’s how it seems.
Is it because of the quarterback? Is it the coach? Are other jobs more appealing than Birds’ OC? What about the level of pressure and expectation compared to a middling place like Tennessee?
We asked ChatGPT to chime in, and the robot used a lot of data center water but turned out a Pulitzer Prize winner:
By the time Brian Daboll officially packed his bags for Tennessee, Marty Kowalski had entered what doctors would later call “a full Eagles-related psychological event.”
He was standing in his kitchen, staring into the open fridge like it might offer answers. It didn’t. Just leftover hoagie, warm beer, and dread.
“Okay,” Marty said, nodding slowly. “Fine. Tennessee. Whatever. But Mike McDaniel going to San Diego?”
He slammed the fridge shut.
“SAN. DIEGO. A PLACE WITH WEATHER.”
Marty flipped on ESPN. Then NFL Network. Then his phone. Then his laptop. All four screens showed the same thing: everyone else hiring offensive coordinators like it was a Black Friday sale.
Everyone except the Eagles.
His mind began filling in the blanks.
“They don’t wanna work with Jalen Hurts,” Marty whispered, pacing. “Too poised. Too calm. Makes ‘em nervous.”
He imagined interviews where Jalen just stared silently, nodding, saying nothing, radiating leadership until coordinators broke into a sweat and fled to the AFC.
And Nick Sirianni?
Forget it.
“No coach wants to deal with a guy who celebrates first downs like he just won the lottery,” Marty said to his dog, who wisely declined to comment.
Marty refreshed Twitter again.
Nothing.
He refreshed it harder, like that would help.
“What if the Eagles are cursed,” he said suddenly. “Like, not Super Bowl cursed—worse. Coordinator cursed.”
He pictured potential hires walking into the NovaCare Complex, seeing motivational posters that said ‘Connect’ and ‘Growth Mindset’, and immediately texting their agent: “get me out. now.”
By late afternoon, Marty was on the floor surrounded by old Eagles hats, mumbling offensive concepts like a deranged professor.
“RPO… but like… MORE RPO. No, less. But also chaos.”
His phone buzzed. A breaking news alert.
Marty held his breath.
Not Eagles-related.
He screamed into a couch cushion.
“This city can’t take this,” he said. “You think we can handle no offensive coordinator?”
Finally, as night fell, Marty accepted the truth.
“No one’s coming,” he said calmly.
He opened a notebook and titled the page:
MARTY KOWALSKI – OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR
Plays included:
– Jalen figures it out
– four verticals
– Nick Sirianni yells “LET’S GO” for moraleMarty smiled, at peace for the first time all day.
“Honestly,” he said, “still better than whatever San Diego’s doing.”
He turned off the TV.
Tomorrow, he’d worry again.
Pretty accurate, yeah? At this rate, the Birds might end up with Jim Bob Cooter, which would be great for this blog.
Kevin has been writing about Philadelphia sports since 2009. He spent seven years in the CBS 3 sports department and started with the Union during the team's 2010 inaugural season. He went to the academic powerhouses of Boyertown High School and West Virginia University. email - k.kinkead@sportradar.com