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Kelly Oubre Jr. is Right: Jalen Brunson’s Massive Head Actually Does Make Him Harder to Defend
By Matt Schultz
Published:
After the Sixers’ rough loss in Game 1 of their second-round series against the Knicks, the team had a lot of questions to answer. Namely, how they can better stop Jalen Brunson, who went off on Monday night for 35 points on 12-of-18 shooting and 3-of-6 from three. Kelly Oubre Jr. explained that slowing down Brunson won’t be easy, largely due to the sheer size of his head:
“I just know he has a big head. It’s definitely tough to guard him with his head doing all that (Kelly shakes his head around)… and he’s got the braids (Kelly shakes his head around some more)… He’s a very smart, tactical player, so he uses all that to his advantage.”
Everyone laughed. Everyone online is laughing. But to me, this is no joke… I agree wholeheartedly with Kelly: defending someone with a massive head is more challenging than guarding someone with a normal-sized head. As a fellow elite hooper (current Cherry Hill Katz JCC Champion, this counts, this is respectable, Kelly and I are equals in the fight against scoring), I am well-equipped to speak on the matter —
So let’s break this down.
Reasons Jalen Brunson’s Large Head Makes Defending Him Harder:
-Interesting to look at. This one is simple, but lethal to a defender. The human eye is naturally drawn to unique-looking things. Defenders can’t help but gawk at Jalen’s improbably large dome for the same reason 13 million people travel to see Niagara Falls every year: as a species, we crave wonder, awe, and reminders of the universe’s spectacular, mysterious design. But spending in-game minutes leering at Jalen’s mondo head is time spent not dialed in on basketball.
-Mentally distracting. While guarding a head like Brunson’s, countless questions will pop into your mind: “Why is his head so big? Has it always been that big, even when he was a kid? Was his head this size when he was like, eight? That must’ve looked crazy, right? What size hat does he wear? Can he even wear hats? Or maybe just like cowboy hats? Does he stretch out neck holes while putting on t-shirts? Jalen’s hairline is pretty rough – or is that just because his head is so big, but on a normal head, it would look fine?” And while you’re pondering these thoughts, Jalen is driving right by you.
-Head fakes are more pronounced. With an excessively large dome, the slightest head movement will look dramatic. That means Jalen Brunson can easily get a defender in the air without moving anything except his chin. By creating separation so easily, he allows himself to save energy, and thus doesn’t get as tired as a normal-head-sized player would.
-Fear. If you stare at an abnormal head for too long, troubling thoughts may creep into your mind: “Is his head still growing, even as an adult? Is that possible? Can a head continue to grow forever? Is that like some sort of condition? That kind of thing wouldn’t be contagious, would it? Could this happen to me? I really don’t want that…”
-Superhuman neck/trap strength. Carrying around an extra twenty pounds of head will naturally make your neck, delts, and shoulders stronger. The extra mass essentially turns the human head into a battering ram, which Jalen uses to bump defenders off him.
-Hair flopping into defender’s eyes/mouth. It’s no coincidence that Jalen Brunson has braids. As a 6’2 guard, he has to use every advantage he can, and whipping his hair into defenders’ faces with the torque created by his heavy head creates a huge one. If you, as a defender, have to think for even a moment, “I hope these braids don’t hit me in the eye… Or my mouth… Mouth would be gross… Jalen probably takes the subway sometimes. What if he took the subway here, today? Subway pole grazes his hair, then the hair touches my lip? Disgusting…” then Brunson has already won.
-Friendlier whistle. Brunson’s head is larger, and thus easier to see with the naked eye. Refs need all the help they can get. If they can see his head better than everyone else’s, he’s bound to get more calls.
-Pity. It’s natural to feel bad for someone with a large, strange, disproportionate head – even if it’s subconscious. Without even realizing you’re doing it, you may be taking it slightly easy on someone as strange-looking as Brunson – and he knows this, of course. He’s spent a lifetime smelling out this weakness in defenders, and understands exactly how to attack it.
I stand with you, Kelly. I understand. Let the others laugh. They’re doing it at their own peril.
Matt Schultz is a comedy and sports writer from Philadelphia. He’s written extensively for ClickHole, The Onion, and Conan O’Brien’s Team Coco. His work has been featured in Vulture, Deadspin, The A.V. Club, Paste Magazine, and other publications. Much of his sports journalism can be found on college basketball websites that don’t exist anymore (PhilaHoops Heads rise up…)