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Your WIP Uncle Would be Going Crazy if Harrison Bader Was Doing Key and Peele Skits in the Outfield While 10 Games Below .500
By Matt Schultz
Published:
I loved having Harrison Bader on the Phillies last year. I thought he provided a great shot in the arm at the deadline. He brought good vibes. He dressed cool. And, most importantly, he played very well here, earning himself a two-year, $20 million contract from the Giants that the Phillies couldn’t match.
It surprised me, but when news dropped that he wasn’t coming back in 2026. I was genuinely a little bummed. But after seeing these little dances and skits he’s been doing with the Giants, I can admit I was wrong. It’s probably for the best that he’s not here doing this sort of thing:
Imagine how badly this would go in Philly. The 2026 season has already been brutal in a ton of ways. The abysmal ten-game losing streak in mid-April, during which the Phils were outscored 69-26. Rob Thomson getting fired. Adolis Garcia being basically Nick Castellanos at the plate. Aaron Nola looking like the bad version of Aaron Nola. Alec Bohm’s worst-in-baseball stretch. Trea Turner’s current atrocious week (091/.200/.227, .427 OPS, 2 H in 22 AB, 7 K). The list goes on and on. But don’t get me wrong – there have been some highs, too. Kyle Schwarber has played out of his mind, Cristopher Sanchez has been Cy Young level, Zack Wheeler is miraculously looking like himself after having the rib removed – but you can’t tell me the lows haven’t been wildly, incredibly low.
Now let’s do a visualization exercise…
Picture those lows…
Imagine the absolute doldrums…
You got it? Good… now hold on to that feeling… That permanent gut-punch feeling….
And imagine looking out into center field, tears welling up in your eyes… and you see Harrison Bader in a Phillies uniform doing this shit:
I, for one, would be furious. This may be an old man take of mine (if so, I accept that), but this is loser type stuff to do when your team is bad – which the Giants are. They’re 22-32. I don’t want to see this much joy on the field with a .407 winning percentage. And I know I’m not the only one who feels that way, because a bunch of fans keep saying it on X:
Fucking embarrassing. You never saw Willie Mays and Bobby Bonds pulling this crap and you never would today either.💩 and don’t give me this “different times” shit. It’s low rent and unprofessional.
— IFAN- Islander Fan Audio Network (@IFANnetwork25) May 26, 2026
Would I be as mad as those guys posting about it? Probably not. Do I think Harrison Bader seems like a cool guy overall? Yes. Would it be nice if the two grand slams he hit this week were for the Phillies? Of course. But zoomed out, I think Phillies fans dodged a bullet by not having to deal with this sort of goofball-ness in 2026. There is no time to be goofy this year. We’re not good enough. We don’t have that luxury. I want all of my Phillies to look as permanently miserable as Bryce Harper.
Have fun in San Francisco, Bader. Good luck with the little dances and skits and coy responses to reporters. Godspeed.
Matt Schultz is a comedy and sports writer from Philadelphia. He’s written extensively for ClickHole, The Onion, and Conan O’Brien’s Team Coco. His work has been featured in Vulture, Deadspin, The A.V. Club, Paste Magazine, and other publications. Much of his sports journalism can be found on college basketball websites that don’t exist anymore (PhilaHoops Heads rise up…)