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This Incredible Broadcaster-less Clip From Game 1 of the Stanley Cup Finals Shows That We May Not Need Broadcasters
By Matt Schultz
Published:
Due to some weird technical difficulties during Game 1 Stanley Cup Finals on Tuesday, hockey fans in Indianapolis were gifted one of the best live TV viewing experiences I’ve ever seen:
Not only was this incredible to watch, but for me, it was an eye-opening moment. The clip is so good, so emotionally potent, so chills-inducing, that it’s led me to a radical conclusion: We must do away with all broadcasters and only air games with in-arena audio from hence forth.
The reasons why are obvious: What could a broadcaster ever say during a game that provides the level of juice that the in-arena audio gives you? The answer is nothing. For the most part, all broadcasters do is get in the way of the viewing experience. They’re annoying. They’re loud. They’re too excitable. The only time they’re brought up is when we’re complaining about them. By and large, they’re all very bad.
I know what the counterargument would be, of course: ‘They may be irritating at times, but broadcasters are simply necessary. We need them there to point out things throughout the game that we as laypeople would never notice or understand.’ To that I say: You fool… Don’t you see? That’s exactly it. You think they do that. That’s technically their job. But that never, ever happens. It’s an illusion. You’re a sheep. Wake the hell up…
Has Reggie Miller ever said anything that taught you more about a Horns Twist set? Have Kate Scott and Alaa Abdelnaby ever made an enlightening point about match-up zone defenses you never would’ve thought of? Has Cris Collinsworth helped anyone understand the ins and outs of simulated pressure in Match-Quarters during his 100 years on the air? The answer is a resounding no. They give us no knowledge. They give us no entertainment. What do they give us instead?
Ceaseless chattering. Bad chemistry. Fake enthusiasm. Forced, trying-to-make-a-moment catchphrases. Shots of them standing/sitting weirdly close to each other and smiling at us through caked-on makeup. Enough is enough…
For too damn long, we’ve collectively thought that as irritating as broadcasters can be, it’s just the way it is, that there’s no other alternative. But this Stanley Cup clip has shown me the light. We have the power. We don’t need these guys. We can cut them all loose. What’s stopping us? Unless there’s some very powerful, mob-connected Broadcasters Union that will come and beat my ass for saying all this, I’m comfortable standing firm on this take*.
There are exceptions to the rule, of course. Here they are:
Broadcasters Who Can Stay
Tom McCarthy and John Kruk: Really love these guys. They make Phillies games way better. Maybe the best to ever do it. They have to stay.
Mike Breen: But only when he says “Bang!” I don’t need him on the broadcast for any other reason. In this new sports landscape that I’m in charge of, Breen can sit in the booth quietly until it’s time for a “Bang.” But he can’t overdo it. He can’t get greedy. If his ass gets greedy, I have no problem canning him. Greedy Breen better stay in line…
And that’s it. Those are the only exceptions. Everyone else can go.
*If there is a powerful Broadcasters Union, I will gladly back down from this take. No violence necessary. Just email me. I am weak-willed.
Matt Schultz is a comedy and sports writer from Philadelphia. He’s written extensively for ClickHole, The Onion, and Conan O’Brien’s Team Coco. His work has been featured in Vulture, Deadspin, The A.V. Club, Paste Magazine, and other publications. Much of his sports journalism can be found on college basketball websites that don’t exist anymore (PhilaHoops Heads rise up…) email: M.Schultz@sportradar.com