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Heart Goes Out to a Guy Who Learned that Amazon Won’t Ship a Bow and Arrows to His Philly Address
By Matt Schultz
Published:
If you thought you were having a long week, at least you’re not this poor guy in Philly who found out he can’t get a bow and arrow delivered to his house:
What a gut-wrenching predicament to be in. Thinking about what this guy’s going through right now. You really can’t help but feel for him. Go ahead, put yourself in his shoes. Really picture it…
It’s June. It’s warm out. You decide you’d like to spend more time outdoors this summer, and after deliberating between getting into rollerskating and archery, you choose the weapon. There’s just something about it – the history. The pageantry. The dignified posture one takes before letting the arrow fly. You can’t shoot a bow and arrow hunched. You must stand tall. Proud…
You research which bow would suit you best. You watch dozens of YouTube reviews. Many are well over twenty minutes. Heavyset men in the woods talking to a camera too far away. Dark green hats pulled down to their eyebrows. Tight t-shirts they incorrectly believe makes them look strong. This recon takes hours. But you don’t mind. This is important. You’re learning much. Words you’ve never heard now play on a loop in your mind. Riser. Cams. Stabilizer. Peep sight. Quiver. Fletching. Nock. Finally, you home in on one model you like. A traditional recurve bow. This style honors the past, you think, but still looks forward…
You compare prices. You find a deal on Amazon. You smile as you add it to your cart. Then Amazon recommends accessories. Arrows. Arm guard. Bow case. Target. You add it all. This is sick. This is going to be sick. You’ll probably make new archery friends this summer. There are probably archery groups in Philly. They probably get drinks after rounds of archery, at least once a week. They probably have a group text going. They probably text about all kinds of stuff, not just archery. This could change everything. You could take group archery trips. You could meet your soulmate. You smile even bigger. You click “Check Out.”
But there’s an error. The full purchase doesn’t go through. Confused, you click “More Info.” Your heart drops into your stomach… Amazon says it is not permitted to send you the weapon you desire. Your arrows and arm guard will be here by Monday. Your target is coming tomorrow. But you don’t care. All of this is meaningless without the bow…
What the hell would you even do with just a target… A target doesn’t make sense without the bow… Would just look like a decoration…
Trying to remain calm, you decide to seek answers. You call several work friends, but they don’t answer. They’re probably sleeping. It’s almost 2:30 AM, after all. With no other options, you go to Reddit. You go to r/Philly to see if others nearby have had this problem, too. With hands trembling, emotions running high, you write the following line by line:
Just noticed that Amazon will not ship a bow to my address in Philly
Then you begin to think practically. You want to move forward. You’re not getting stuck in the past:
Wondering how far I would have to drive outside the city to get a new bow somewhere.
Then, finally, you posit your theory as to why this is happening to you:
Is there alot of bow&arrow violence in Philly?
You click “Post.” Then you think about it more. Bow and arrow violence in Philly… The thought hadn’t occurred to you until now, but you realize having a bow and arrow could be very dangerous. Your mind runs wild imagining Philly as a hotbed for bow and arrow-related crimes. You can picture 6 ABC reports on a record high 14,000 archery-caused deaths this summer. Youths running wild at all hours of the night with bows slung over their shoulders. Arguments being settled by the whizzing of an arrow. The slow deaths that unfold after being struck in the gut, or in the side… The helpless yelp of pain… T-shirt rapidly growing dark red… The youths running off… Their fading footsteps the last thing you hear before everything goes dark…
Now it’s 3:45 AM and you’re scared. You’ve worked yourself up into a frenzy. Sleep will evade you tonight. You think to yourself you should’ve just done the rollerskating idea. Maybe you still could. Maybe there’s still time… But you already ordered the other bow and arrow stuff. The target will be here tomorrow…
What a shame. Prayers up that this guy figures everything out, and learns that Philly doesn’t have a lot of bow and arrow violence to be afraid of – there’s just some weird law about which weapons you can order to your house here.
Matt Schultz is a comedy and sports writer from Philadelphia. He’s written extensively for ClickHole, The Onion, and Conan O’Brien’s Team Coco. His work has been featured in Vulture, Deadspin, The A.V. Club, Paste Magazine, and other publications. Much of his sports journalism can be found on college basketball websites that don’t exist anymore (PhilaHoops Heads rise up…)