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Let’s Talk About Philadelphians Eating Honey From the Sewer
By Matt Schultz
Published:
We all know Philadelphians don’t have the greatest reputation. As a collective, we’ve been called every iteration of trash there is, and most of the time, it doesn’t faze me. No one likes us, we don’t care, etc. etc. And the reason I can usually let those insults roll off my back is that I know the truth about Philadelphia: its deep historical significance, natural beauty, working-class ethos, world-class art, distinctive culture, and more.
But cards on the table, here: Today I’m having a tough time defending us. I just found out Philadelphians are eating honey from the sewer:
I have a bunch of thoughts on this. Tough to keep them organized in my mind, so I’m gonna rattle them off here and see where we land.
Bunch of Loose Thoughts on Philadelphians Eating Sewer Honey
-On the plus side, in a zoomed-out sense, it’s good that people are safely removing the bees from the sewer. Bees are important. Good that they didn’t just call an exterminator. This is good.
-In principle, using the honey produced by these underground bees is a good idea. It’s a very organic, environmentally-forward thing to do. The honey is here. It’s made. We shouldn’t waste it.
-I do wish we weren’t eating honey from the sewer, though. Tough to get around it.
-I’d like it if we weren’t eating food of any kind from the sewer.
-Wish the woman in the 6ABC video at least hesitated before going in for a bite of the sewer honey.
-She didn’t think twice.
-She dove right in on that sewer honey.
-Gotta wonder if she’s eaten food from the sewer before.
-Sure seems like it.
-The story says Mark Berman – the guy who figured out how to get the bees to leave the sewer – is taking the hive to his apiary and will harvest the honey there.
-What happens to the honey then?
-Does he sell the honey?
-Will he disclose that this honey originally came from a sewer hive?
-Does he sell the honey to Big Honey?
-Will this sewer honey find its way into a regular bottle of honey in some ShopRite?
-Sewer honey in a harmless-seeming clear plastic bear?
-Would be an uncool thing to do, I think.
-Not great for the city’s reputation. Won’t be good if other cities find out about this.
-“Philly spreads Philly sewage into the food supply” is probably what folks would say.
-Remember when Penguins fans were calling us “a city made of garbage” like a month ago?
-Imagine if they had this story. What they’d say? –“Philly is a city made of garbage — where, it’s worth noting, the citizens crawl/lick their way through the sewers for sustenance like bugs.” Probably something like that.
-I don’t know. Maybe it’s fine. Is that possible?
-Maybe it’s actually good that we’re eating sewer honey.
-We’re leaning in. Yeah…
-Owning it…
-This is what we do… This sort of thing… Bug activities… Underground… Bug-like naturalists…
–“It may seem bug-like to you, but frankly, we’re not a city that wastes perfectly fine honey just because it was very close to human waste.” Maybe that’s the right attitude.
-Maybe we should just embrace Philly’s reputation. Who cares if people call us trash? So what if we are? It’s good to be yourself. Everyone always says that. It’s true.
-Maybe it was actually cool as hell when that guy ate horse shit after the Eagles won the Super Bowl.
-Maybe we should do more of this sort of thing. Find honey in the sewers, I’m saying.
-Maybe there are all kinds of delicious treats underground that we don’t even know about.
-Maybe we should send out search teams to find more sewer sweets.
-Maybe it’s actually really good this is happening right before the World Cup.
-Maybe it’s the perfect time to have over one million tourists — they’ll get to see us being the most Philly version of ourselves possible. We’re not putting on airs for anyone.
-“Feast your eyes, global visitors. We are Philadelphians. We eat the sweet nectar of septic tanks. This is our delicacy. Go and tell the world about us…”
This is the take. We’ve landed on the right take: No matter what Philadelphians do, it is the cool and normal thing to do. Everyone else is the weird one. We are proud of our sewer honey. Glad we talked this out.
Matt Schultz is a comedy and sports writer from Philadelphia. He’s written extensively for ClickHole, The Onion, and Conan O’Brien’s Team Coco. His work has been featured in Vulture, Deadspin, The A.V. Club, Paste Magazine, and other publications. Much of his sports journalism can be found on college basketball websites that don’t exist anymore (PhilaHoops Heads rise up…) email: M.Schultz@sportradar.com