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All-Time Panderer Bryce Harper is Now Pandering to SEPTA
By Matt Schultz
Published:
It’s well documented that Bryce Harper may be the greatest panderer to ever do it, and the man just took it to another level. His newest cleats are train-colored in an homage to SEPTA:
Just when you think Bryce can’t become any more Bryce, he goes and does something like this. Truly incredible stuff. It’s not enough to make his sliding mitts look like little Phanatics. It’s not enough to say he listens to WIP on his way home from the ballpark. It’s not enough to make his cleats Jersey Shore amusement park colored. The guy had to push for more. He had to strive for greatness. He thought to himself, “Phanatic… Sports radio… Jersey Shore… this is bush league… Anyone could think of that stuff as being Philly-centric. What’s the next idea? Where can I go from here? What’s something no one has ever pandered to…?”
And it came to him in a flash: “Yes… Of course… the slow-ass, rarely on-time, rickety trains with filthy windows that no one in Philadelphia enjoys riding. I will honor them: The half-empty Gatorade bottle rolling into your foot under the seats; the feeling of pulling into a station and seeing a bunch of people get on and praying no one sits in the empty seat next to you; the dread that descends upon you as you realize SEPTA changed the regional rail schedules. This will be my magnum opus…”
He's back! pic.twitter.com/Up8IgQ5grd
— Mike Skulsky (@MikeSkulsky) July 7, 2026
And he did it. He really made some shoes that look like trains. This makes his previous panders look like child’s play:
You can’t help but wonder where Bryce will go from here. He’s not going to go backwards. He’s going to keep pushing the envelope of pandering. He’s going to take pandering to places never before dreamed of. He will keep telling us he’s one of us until he actually becomes us. He will live in our houses. He will wear our clothes. Our children will call him when they need rides home from a friend’s house. The train shoes are a mere footnote, a prologue to what’s to come. The train shoes are a warning shot. Bryce Harper is coming for Philadelphia’s very essence…
But overall, I do like the shoes. Think they’re cool-looking. I like the silver. Good colors there. Well done on the train shoes, Bryce.
Matt Schultz is a comedy and sports writer from Philadelphia. He’s written extensively for ClickHole, The Onion, and Conan O’Brien’s Team Coco. His work has been featured in Vulture, Deadspin, The A.V. Club, Paste Magazine, and other publications. Much of his sports journalism can be found on college basketball websites that don’t exist anymore (PhilaHoops Heads rise up…) email: M.Schultz@sportradar.com