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2026 Home Run Derby Live Run Down: BOOOOOOO
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Backbackbackbackbackbackback to Citizens Bank Park for a WONDERFUL evening of mashed taters and booing people! I haven’t done one of these live rundowns since wayyyyyyy back back back back back in 2019 when Orioles great Pete Alonso triumphed over Vladimir Guerrero Jr. in a moment that I haven’t thought about once since writing out this sentence.
But last night was different! It’s Philadelphia! We had not one, but TWO Phillies sluggers hitting absolute nukes, a ramped up Citizens Bank Park crowd that booed anyone and everyone, and the grand tradition of 9-year-old kids in the outfield shagging 150 MPH screamers with little to no regard for their well being.
Join me and relive the 2026 Home Run Derby crafted from meticulous notes I took during the nearly three-hour (!) exhibition spectacular that left this city collectively dry heaving over the results. BOOOOOOOO.
8:02 p.m. – It’s the 2026 Home Run Derby coming at you LIVE from beautiful Philadelphia! Citizens Bank Park looks gorgeous, it’s enough to bring a tear to your eye. That is, until Will Ferrell kicks off the proceedings for some reason. Will Ferrell with frosted tips is not pleasing to the eye. Nothing says baseball like a horrible Will Ferrell Netflix sitcom about golf shoehorned into the proceedings.
8:03 p.m. – Michael Buffer is from Philadelphia?! WHAT?! WHAT?! Since when?! I feel like that’s something I should have heard before tonight and frankly sounds a little made up. Buffer is 81 years old and I suddenly feel like I have one foot in the crypt. Always a good start to a night when you’re forced to consider your own mortality.
8:03 p.m. – What do you guys think happens to us after we die? Is there anything else out there, or do the lights just turn off? I dunno.
8:04 p.m. – All of the contestants are awkwardly walking through a hollowed-out Liberty Bell into a boxing ring as the Rocky theme song blares the intros. Very creative. Netflix Producer: “You know what Philadelphia loves? Rocky and the Liberty Bell. Alright, let’s get the hell out of here, we’ve got another Will Ferrell sports show to green light.“
8:05 p.m. – Ferrell makes a joke about laying down few drag bunts tonight. Sigh. Maybe I’ll just go watch Anchorman after this to get the awful taste out of my mouth.
8:06 p.m. – My wife just asked me why Iām typing so much. I said Iām writing a rundown of the derby for Crossing Broad. She sighed loudly and looked back at her phone. Love you too sweetie! Youāre my everything.
8:07 p.m. – It’s become increasingly obvious that Phillies fans are going to boo everyone in this except for Kyle Schwarber and Bryce Harper, just as god intended. On the plus side, the boos are drowning out the horrific comic relief from Ferrell, Luke Wilson, and Jimmy Tatro, who unironically looks like every guy at Ladder 15 who’s ever tried to steal your girlfriend. I’M JUST TALKING TO HER BRO, FUCKING RELAX.
8:09 p.m. – Harper really playing up to the crowd during his entrance. What a showman! WIP surely crafting days worth of segments around the amount of energy he’s showing here. āWhy canāt he show this much spunk during a game that matters?!ā
8:10 p.m. – Harper tries to jump up on the makeshift boxing ring ropes and they look like theyāre immediately about to break. Not weight bearing, Harp, come on. If Joel Embiid tried something like that the ropes would have tragically snapped and ricocheted into the crowd, killing hundreds of children as he shredded each and every ligament in both knees.
8:15 p.m. – Hopefully our first shot of Zack Hample tonight will include a South Philadelphia father putting him in a headlock after he trucked his kid for a home run. “THAT’S MY FUCKING SON, YOU HUMP.”
8:17 p.m. – New rules this year for the derby. They change this thing every single year. Each contestant gets 20 swings in the first round or something? I’ll be honest, I wasn’t really paying attention, I was too busy guffawing at the hilarity just gushing out of Will Ferrell’s maw. A drag bunt in a home run derby?! Can you imagine?!
8:20 p.m. – Netflix couldnāt thaw out Chris Bermanās frozen head for this event? Just give me one good BACK BACK BACK before they have to put him back into cryostasis for another year.
8:22 p.m. – Just start this shit already. START IT. No more questions about the āshowā Harper is going to put on for Philadelphia. I’m no strategist, but I think he’s going to try to hit as many home runs as he can with his 20 swings. Bold strategy, Cotton, let’s see if it pays off for him.
8:23 p.m. – Netflix announces the derby will start shortly, but first the Stranger Things kids are going to interview Ben Davis while he sucks on Barry Bonds’ toes.
8:25 p.m. – Willson Contreras hits the first homer of the evening, a no doubter to the left field upper deck, which is promptly booed. Well done Philadelphia. āThat was a no doubter! No diggity!ā Hunter Pence says. So this is what we’re in for tonight. Shut the fuck up.
8:26 p.m. – The outfield kids are back! Americaās grandest traditionā¦watching the Home Run Derby and hoping an unsuspecting 9-year-old takes a 165 MPH liner off the cabeza.
8:27 p.m. – Anthony Rizzo cannot stop orgasmically squealing after every home run. Iāll have what heās having! RIP Rob Reiner.
8:29 p.m. – Glad to see the Home Run Derby keeping another tradition alive of apparently employing camera operators who seem like its the first time they’ve ever laid hands on a camera. They canāt track them to save their lives! It’s the Blair Witch Project out here. THE MAP WAS USELESS, HEATHER!
8:30 p.m. – Contreras takes four pitches in a row and is IMMEDIATELY PELTED WITH BOOS before hitting the top of the fence. Idiot. He mashes 13 home runs in 20 swings. He was cranking those bad boys with a custom Nintendo Bowser bat. BABE RUTH IS ROLLING OVER IN HIS GRAVE.
8:34 p.m. – Jordan Walker of the Cardinals up next. Just noticing now that fans are wearing oversized novelty gloves in the outfield. Not as good as bringing a fishing net to a home run derby, but still a great gag. Hopefully the field will be strewn with them if Harper or Schwarber donāt win.
8:35 p.m. – I donāt know who Jordan Walker is, I’ll admit it. I remember laughing at my dad during the 1999 Home Run Derby when he asked know who Jeremy Burnitz was. Time really is a flat circle.
8:38 p.m. – The crowd LUSTILY boos one of the kids in the outfield who canāt come up with a flyball. Fuck them kids. Lay out for some of these, get that uniform dirty! Nobody cares about fundamentals anymore, sad to see.
8:41 p.m. – Walker also hits 13 home runs. The tie-breaker this year will be longest home run hit. Finally, a reason to do hardcore anabolic steroids.
8:44 p.m. – Jac Caglianone up next. Hopefully he loses so I donāt have to keep typing out his last name for the rest of the proceedings. Also, can’t root for someone who spells Jack without the “K.” That’s just bad parenting.
8:45 p.m. – His dad is pitching to him. If my dad pitched to me in a home run derby it would have ended with him criticizing me for ānot keeping my back elbow upā and me crying as I walked back to the dugout. OH THE CAT’S IN THE CRADLE WITH THE SILVER SPOON.
8:47 p.m. – Cagiagangoagnaogne hits some absolute BOMBS but only ends up with eight home runs. I blame his dad. I don’t have issues.
8:49 p.m. – Weāre keeping things moving with this new format, thank god. There was nothing worse than these derbys going for like three hours and Berman’s back back back backs running out of steam. Always hard to experience.
8:51 p.m. – Munetaka Murakami up next. Love this guy. He has absolutely no idea why heās being booed. Phillies fans may cause an international incident tonight, but Iām here for it.
8:52 p.m. – I could watch Japanese players swing for days. Chalk it up to my love for the immortal movie āMr. Baseball.ā Tom Seleck at this finest.
8:54 p.m. – Derby idea: Each contestant should be able to pick an MLB legend from their franchise to take one final swing for them. Anyone age 45 to 50, a home run they hit would count as two. Anyone 51 to 60 it would be three. 60 to 70 it would count as five. 70 to 80 it would count as 10. Let Greg Luzinski take a final hack up there! Thatās a potential 10 home runs with one swing, baby!
8:59 p.m.– I have no idea what Murakami ended up with. My attention is waning. It wasnāt much though. Frank Thomas did NOT show up for a bonus swing. Lame.
9:00 p.m. – Already bored, just waiting for these others guys to go before Harper and Schwarber revitalize the evening. I wonder if that Will Ferrell show is going to be any good? A rough and tumble golfer who turns the stuffed shirts at the PGA on their heads with his non-traditional attitude?! What a premise!
9:02 p.m. – Realized my kid is looking at me as Iāve been saying BACK BACK BACK BACK to myself for like the last five minutes. I may have had a stroke. Who knows at this point?
9:03 p.m. – Ben Rice is a made up name if Iāve ever heard one, like when Bases Loaded for the NES couldnāt afford a license to get the real player names so the Japanese game creators just had to make up weird amalgamations of what they thought American names sounded like. Hearing John Milk is coming up to bat next.
9:04 p.m. – Ben Riceās dad is pitching to him and he is officially RATTLED by this Philadelphia crowd. Donāt bring that weak shit out here, pops. Kill or be killed in CBP. They’re still booing everyone and it’s the greatest thing I’ve ever witnessed in my life. Philadelphia is the best.
9:06 p.m. – Anthony Rizzo says Rice studied Aaron Judge home run derby tape. NERD ALERT!
9:08 p.m. – Ben Rice-a-Roni ends with seven home runs as thousands of Italians from Queens scream out āOHHHHHH!ā in unison after losing thousands of dollars to their Staten Island bookies. Mama mia.
9:12 p.m. – Junior Caminero up next, apparently last yearās runner up. You could have paid me $25 billion and I never would have come up with the runner up from last yearās derby (or the winner).
9:13 p.m. – āI thought he hit the scoreboard there for a minute!ā says Barry Bonds on a ball that doesnāt come within 35 rows of the scoreboard.
9:15 p.m – Caminero is incredible, tank after tank, but the crowd just wants Harper and Schwarber, already. Milhouse voice: āWhen are they going to get to the fireworks factoryyyy.ā (starts crying)
9:18 p.m. – Schwarber FINALLY up. What an absolute hoss. He immediately goes 0-4 in his first four swings. Oh god, no. BOOOOOOOO.
9:21 p.m. – Five swings in and still no home run. My godā¦embarrassing.
9:22 p.m. – BOOM. FINALLY. Back to back to back to back bombs. Four in row. Knew it all along. Never a doubt in my mind. Also, very happy he decided to participate with a bad back. Nothing says back relief like violent contortions of the torso.
9:24 p.m. – Schwarber has nine. He needs at least 10 to advanceā¦..and he smokes one into the top deck that may or may not have careened off a kid’s face. Fuck yeah. Keep your head on a swivel young fella.
9:25 p.m. – In classic Phillies fashion, I fully expect Schwarber to hit zero home runs in the next round.
9:27 p.m. – Apparently if Harper hits more than 10 heāll advance and Schwarber wonātā¦.THE DRAMA! Will this be the final nail in the Phillies coffin?
9:28 p.m. – Harper finishing the first round out as he strolls to the plate. He or Schwarber really should have asked Alec Bohmās dad to pitch to them at this. Classic gag!
9:30 p.m. – Harper just hit a 482 foot home run. Amazing. Old manās still got it.
9:31 p.m. – My kid just asked why theyāre playing Harperās walkup song during his entire round. Heās right! Itās a distraction! Do over!
9:34 p.m. – Only eight home runs and heās OUT. FINE. GREAT GRAND WHATEVER. Schwarber moves on and gives the Phillies a better chance to win anyways. I’m not crying.
9:35 p.m. – Dave Dombrowksi was rightā¦.Harper really isnāt elite.
9:41 p.m. – Still no Zack Hample sightings. The Phanatic choked him out in the concourse and left him for dead, I heard.
9:42 p.m – It’s the semifinals or something! Four players left and theyāre all going to KISS in centerfield to determine this yearās champion!
9:43 p.m. – Junior Caminero vs. Jordan Walker. Each player gets 15 swings. Caminero kicks us off and is immediately put on the pay no mind list by the crowd. They are just dead for this. Heās not Schwarber. Heās not Harper. They don’t even have the energy to boo anymore.
9:45 p.m. – The fans care about this as much as I do right now, which is to say very little. Hey, do you think Will Ferrell uses like a wacky club in the show? Maybe a souped up driver that’s banned by the PGA, but he uses it anyways because he’s the bad boy of golf? I’m laughing already!
9:47 p.m. – Nobody gives a shit about this guy. Bring back the boos. Everyone is completely gassed after Harperās wretched disappointment. He hits five. THIS GUY SUCKS.
9:49 p.m. – Jordan Walker needs a paltry six home runs to advance. I just noticed his goatee looks like it painted on with shoe polish. I have no further comment.
9:51 p.m. – Walker hits six and sends Caminero packing. One of the members of the Galapagos gang gives him a consolation tug job in the dugout. I think it was Iggy. That took a lot of class.
9:59 p.m. – SCHWARBERRRRRR up next and thereās not a dry seat in the house.
10 p.m. – Three swings and no home runs. There is no god.
10:01 p.m. – Four swings later and heās hit four home runs in a row. Iām going to church this weekend.
10:02 p.m. – Heās got eight now. The discs in his back are leaking spinal fluid all over home plate, but it’s worth it. The crowd is apoplectic at this point with each home run.
10:03 p.m. – Schwarber ends with nine. Willson Contreras finishes out the semis in a moment. If he knocks Schwarber out I expect a mass exodus to ābeat traffic,” AKA find Contrerasās car in the parking lot and burn it to ashes.
10:05 p.m. – And here comes Willson Contreras! BOOOOOOOOOO!
10:09 p.m. -This crowd is ELECTRIC. Booing every home run, cheering every out. Unbelievable. It’s by far the best atmosphere I can ever remember for a home run derby. Never recall this much vitriol for an event.
10:10 p.m. – Contreras is brushed back by his pitcher and receives a HUGE round of applause from the crowd. I’m dying and completely revitalized at this point. KILL HIM. FUCKING KILL HIM.
10:11 p.m. – Schwarber to the finals. Came down to the final swing and Contreras popped it up. Choked hard. The crowd ate it the fuck up. AN ELECTRIC MOMENT.
10:12 p.m. – If Schwarber didnāt make the finals we would have been treated to both contestant being screamed at for the last 20 minutes of the event, or basically what happens at the end of every South Philadelphia christening. THIS IS HIS HOLY DAY, DON’T USE THAT KIND OF LANGUAGE IN THE CHURCH, MY FUCKING GOD TONY!
10:17 p.m. – Bobby Abreu and Ryan Howard sighting! Hachi machiā¦.Abreu has packed on a few, but god damn if he could still probably draw a walk in a big spot. GREAT EYE, EL GORDO!
10:18 p.m. Michael Buffer has so must plastic surgery he can hardly move his mouth. LETāS GET READY TO MUMBLEEEEEEE.
10:21 p.m. – Thank god Schwarber made it because there is no way I was going to last this long. I’m old and tired, please help me. Schwarber vs. Walker for the home run derby title. I am expecting disappointment.
10:23 p.m. – Schwarber and the Philadelphia fans really salvaged this stupid event, thank god. Five home runs in seven swings and a bevy of erect nipples throughout the city of brotherly love.
10:26 p.m. – FIRST ONE OF THE NIGHT TO HIT A HOMERUN ON HIS LAST SWING. FUCK MY LIFE. IāVE NEVER BEEN MORE EXCITED IN A HOME RUN DERBY. 11 HOME RUNS IN THE FINAL ROUND!
10:30 p.m. – Fully expecting Jordan Walker to destroy all of our hopes and dreams, as god has always intended for Philadelphia.
10:32 p.m. – BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
10:33 p.m. – Just noticed Jordan Walkerās parents are here. Oops.
10:34 p.m. – Cal Ripken in the house! His wife is not pictured with him, as sheās apparently vacationing with Kevin Costner. Just two good friends.
10:35 p.m. – Walker has five home runs and six swings left. Oh god itās going to be close. This is not ending well.
10:37 p.m. – Walker has eight home runs with one swing leftā¦.he needs three to tie, four to win. Looking good!
10:38 p.m. – He hits oneā¦.nine home runs.
10:39 p.m. – He hits anotherā¦.10 home runs!
10:40 p.m. – OH GOD NO. HE TIES IT! HE CAN FINISH OFF SCHWARBER WITH THE NEXT SWING.
10:41 p.m. – HE DID ITā¦.OH NO. OH DEAR GOD NO.
10:42 p.m. – I hate baseball. It’s a stupid game. I hate it.
10:42 p.m. – I loved the sowing, but boy did I hate the reaping when he hit that final bomb. Just an effortless swing. Quite impressive.
10:43 p.m. – Welpā¦nearly three hours later and I feel like I wasted my life. But look, CBP won the home run derby tonight, to be honest, I think we can all agree on that. The fans were amazing, the booing was top-notch, and it actually gave us something to talk about going into the pointless All Star game. We got to see some great moments, never once saw Zack Hample on screen, and everyone had fun….which is the most important thing of all when you really think about it.
God. Fuck baseball.
I have no merits or accomplishments worth noting. Founder of Philadelphia's most trusted sports blog, The Coggin Toboggan. Everything I have ever written up until this very moment has been utter garbage.