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Jordan Walker’s Winning Home Run Ball Was Not Magenta and I Demand a Re-Do
By Matt Schultz
Published:
Monday night’s Home Run Derby was one for the books. After hitting 11 home runs in the final round, Kyle Schwarber looked poised to win the competition in front of the hometown crowd. Then Jordan Walker came to the plate and hit six straight home runs to steal the victory. Walker’s run was insane – the guy caught fire and entered an ultra-clutch zone usually reserved only for Michael Jordan and motivational Instagram content creators, and it was a gut punch to the Philadelphia faithful who spent the night raining boos on opposing players and cheering Kyle and Bryce Harper as if it were a playoff game.
But at the end of the day, credit where it’s due: Walker went nuts, and he and Kyle put on a great show. High stakes. High drama. High-arching moonshots. All in all, that was about as good as a Home Run Derby could go. Philly has to tip its cap.
At least, that’s what they’d have you believe… The media… The powers that be… But if you open your eyes, you’ll see that beneath the surface, there is something far more sinister happening here. It’s time to take the pill… Like in the Matrix… Those big Matrix pills Laurence Fishburne was holding in his bare hands… Really palming those pills up… Without washing his hands first…
For those open to learning the truth, here’s what you need to know: eagle-eyed viewers spotted that on Jordan Walker’s final home run swing, the pitcher fed him a white ball – which, according to this year’s new rules, should have been a magenta ball because he was on his last swing. All night long, hitters had way more trouble seeing the magenta ball that the white one. The theory goes that Walker saw a white ball was coming in a few pitches, watched two magenta balls go by without swinging, then squared up on the white one because he knew it’d be easier to hit out of the park, which is exactly what he did:
#9 was Magenta
— Mike The Baseball Guy (@BaseballGuyMike) July 14, 2026
#10 was white
#11 was Magenta
#12 was white
How did they screw this up?
Seeing a conspiracy of this magnitude unfold in real time, you can’t help but ask yourself questions that shake the very foundation of our society’s perceived “reality.” Why was Walker fed a white ball? Why wasn’t he pitched a magenta ball, the way he was supposed to be? Who had the most to gain by tainting the honor and integrity of the Home Run Derby? And what exactly would these shadow forces have to gain? Money? Power? Influence? Were they rewarding Walker for his faithfulness by allowing him to win the Derby, or perhaps they were punishing Kyle for not taking orders, for not being an unthinking soldier in their cryptic, power-hungry quest, whatever that might be? How high does this thing go? Netflix? Wall Street? Stock prices? The government? Multiple governments? One huge, secret government that has a hand in every aspect of modern life and operates in plain sight, but still cannot be seen by the masses?
Unfortunately, the more questions you ask, the further down the rabbit hole you fall. We’ll probably never know why Walker got a white ball on his final pitch and unjustly robbed Kyle of winning a hometown Home Run Derby. The puppet masters pull the strings, and us peasants are meant to merely watch the show. I hereby demand that we get a re-do of the final round of the Home Run Derby so that a rightful winner may be crowned — but I know this demand will not be met. The cries of the sheep are of no concern to the lion.
But at least we the people are finally waking up… By taking the sweaty-palm pills… from Fishburne’s unwashed hands… It was also pretty sick to see a bunch of dingers. That did rule.
Matt Schultz is a comedy and sports writer from Philadelphia. He’s written extensively for ClickHole, The Onion, and Conan O’Brien’s Team Coco. His work has been featured in Vulture, Deadspin, The A.V. Club, Paste Magazine, and other publications. Much of his sports journalism can be found on college basketball websites that don’t exist anymore (PhilaHoops Heads rise up…) email: M.Schultz@sportradar.com