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Who’s This Guy on Chase Utley’s Wall of Fame Plaque? Surely it’s Not Chase Utley
By Matt Schultz
Published:
Chase Utley was inducted into the Phillies Wall of Fame on Friday, and amid the well-deserved celebration, people had some thoughts about this:
Who is that? Who is that guy? That’s not Chase Utley. I’ve seen Chase Utley a bunch of times in my life and he’s never looked like that guy. In fact, no one I’ve ever seen looks like that. Look at his nose. Why is the nose so wide and roundish? People don’t look like this. Doug Funny’s friend is the closest I’ve seen. His blue friend. They gave Chase a blue friend nose:
Doug Funny Skeeter Valentine pic.twitter.com/2BLuSN6wWD
— Philip Carr (@PhilipCarrn7711) July 1, 2026
Kind of feels like the Phillies had a bunch of generic plaques made up a while ago because it was cheaper, and when a new player gets inducted, they just go through the general-plaque heap and use the one that looks closest. So funny they really went with this 2009-video-game-ass-looking picture of Chase. Guess-Who-the-board-game-ass-looking picture:
If I’m Chase, I’m feeling pretty pissed about this. The Phillies made this induction a huge to-do, flew out all these people, had speeches written, made a video tribute, blah blah blah. But for the big thing that actually matters — the plaque, which is intended to be stared at by fans for the rest of time — Chase is looking all swollen and insane, like he just woke up after going as face-plastic-surgery wild as his increasingly strange buddies Rob Mac and Kaitlin Olson:
I’d also be particularly annoyed walking through the Citizens Bank Park merch stores and seeing that the Phillies didn’t botch any of the stuff they could profit on. The bobbleheads, t-shirts, hats, hoodies, and jerseys all look perfectly fine and normal. The only thing they half-assed was the thing without a price tag on it:
And it looks like this isn’t the first time it’s happened:
Horrifying. Not even close. Look at the beards. I’m laughing hard looking at these beards. I guess the way plaque-makers do beards is they just make them slightly more textured/fuzzy than the rest of the face. That’s what plaque people think beards are: textured versions of regular skin.
Chase must demand a new plaque. This aggression cannot stand. New plaque has to have his very tall silver hair so we know without a doubt it’s really Chase:
Matt Schultz is a comedy and sports writer from Philadelphia. He’s written extensively for ClickHole, The Onion, and Conan O’Brien’s Team Coco. His work has been featured in Vulture, Deadspin, The A.V. Club, Paste Magazine, and other publications. Much of his sports journalism can be found on college basketball websites that don’t exist anymore (PhilaHoops Heads rise up…) email: M.Schultz@sportradar.com