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Eagles

Don’t Pray for Dolphins Fans, They’re Already Dead

Coggin Toboggan

By Coggin Toboggan

Published:

Poor Miami Dolphins fans. First the franchise loses its young, FINALLY successful quarterback Ryan Tannehill when he shredded every ligament in his knee during a non-contact play in training camp. THEN they decided to replace him with a barely coherent and decidedly uninterested Jay Cutler, who likely spent all off-season ripping Marlboro Reds and “training” for his new job as an announcer for CBS. Surprisingly, that well-thought-out move has not been a good one, to the tune of Cutler averaging 165 yards per game with only seven touchdowns, five interceptions, and 8 million blank-faced stares as he wondered why he decided to come out of retirement for this. FOR THIS.

Their offensive line coach took a video of himself allegedly snorting rails of cocaine to impress a stripper that was PROMPTLY released to social media…which may not even be the most embarrassing thing to happen to the franchise in the month of October, considering they just traded an All-Pro running back who is only 24 years old and under contract next season for $765,000.

Oh yeah, and there was a hurricane in there somewhere as well. That sucked.

Sorry, Miami. It’s been a rough Fall for everyone involved…so lets continue to pile on, shall we? Lets take a look at some of the most tortured Tweets from this morning from our friends down in the Sunshine State after the jump.

Combing through the wails and great gnashing of teeth from Miami fans, a certain theme became very obvious. See if you can figure it out:

https://twitter.com/GoldGrillen/status/925360897467527168

https://twitter.com/steventmcdonald/status/925357233206190080

That last one from Steven is my favorite. Just a simple, defeated answer for an incredibly obvious question.

Miami fans love making cocaine jokes almost as much as their offensive line coach actually likes (allegedly) DOING cocaine. It is addicting. It’s a fun word to say and it’s a fun word to type. Is it more fun to actually make jokes about cocaine than it is to actually do it? Excuse me a moment…

::Buys cocaine from a sweet hookup, rips two long, fat lines::

OHHHHHHH GOD, NO, NO IT IS MUCH MORE FUN TO ACTUALLY DO COCAINE. I WAS WRONG.

WE HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME.

God, is that what it’s like to read something in all caps? I apologize. I promise not to use that cliched writing technique until at least three paragraphs from now.

I think “40-year-old alcoholics with nothing better do” is the majority fan base that goes to games for just about every franchise.

Do you hear that? It sounds like a desperate clawing noise…someone trying to cling to the notion that the Dolphins actually got a good return for a Pro-Bowl running back instead of “calling it what it is” … a poorly thought out message by head coach Adam Gase to get an under-achieving team to play better.

Bonus points for the sweet fedora though.

https://twitter.com/shadibaajour/status/925359613159071745

https://twitter.com/WickedOrlando/status/925368610087981056

Oh god….this isn’t fun anymore. I’m depressed. VERY depressed. Rope sales must be up 5,000% at Miami-based Home Depots this morning.

I need something to make me feel better…

Translation: Ajayi and Blount together, OLE !!! Great backfield next to Smallwood. The Eagles are very scary

Yes, yes that will do quite nicely. OLE!

Coggin Toboggan
Coggin Toboggan

I have no merits or accomplishments worth noting. Founder of Philadelphia's most trusted sports blog, The Coggin Toboggan. Can I just take a minute of your time to share the good word about our lord and savior Jesus Christ?

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