News

Anal Bead Allegation Update: Chess Master Resigns After Making One Move

By Kevin Kinkead

Published: Sep 20th, 2022 · 10:39 AM EDT

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We’ll get it back to the Eagles momentarily, but first, an anal bead update.

If you missed it last week, a big kerfuffle in the chess world because this really good player (who knows Daryl Morey) accused this other guy of cheating. As it goes, the latter ALLEGEDLY stuffed wireless beads up his sphincter and then had a person pinging him via some kind of morse code to signal the perfect moves. Queen’s Gambit? More like Queen’s Gam-butt. Get it?

Anyway, the two dudes, Magnus Carlsen and Hans Niemann, were playing again, and Carlsen, the accuser, made one move and then logged off to send a message:

Magnus Carlsen resigned from an online match against Hans Niemann after making only one move, reigniting the feud between the two players pic.twitter.com/0cHJfr0XDu

— Guardian sport (@guardian_sport) September 20, 2022

Wow. Ain’t that some shit? This would be like the Phillies accusing the Astros of banging the trash can again, and then during the next Houston/Phila matchup, Zack Wheeler throws a single pitch and then the entire team walks off the field and back into the dugout.

This Magnus Carlsen/Hans Niemann feud is slowly growing into one of the greatest rivalries of all time. You’ve got Ohio State vs. Michigan, Arnold Palmer vs. Jack Nicklaus, and Chuck Liddell vs. Tito Ortiz. Those may eventually pale in comparison if this chess standoff escalates.

I think the issue, however, is that the burden of proof is on Carlsen. If he can’t prove the anal bead thing, then he’s out of luck, and the only way to prove it is by reaching into his opponent’s bunghole to produce the smoking gun. It would never happen, but it would be… interesting..

Anyway, who is on your Mount Rushmore of Magnus? I’d go Magnus Carlsen, Magnus Ver Magnusson, and ahhh fuck it, those are the only two I know.