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Can’t Believe How Bored I Am Thinking About Giants vs. Cowboys Opening Sunday Night Football
By Matt Schultz
Published:
When one door closes, another door opens… When the Sixers and Flyers are both bounced from the playoffs within days of each other, that means it’s time to start thinking about one of the other sports… This is a good lede. For a Tuesday morning lede, this one is pretty good… Anyway, here’s what I’m trying to get at: The NFL announced on Monday that the Giants will be hosting the Cowboys on September 13th in the first Sunday Night Football game of the 2026 season:
Now, you may have read Schefty’s tweet and thought to yourself, “Wow, I just got incredibly tired. I could fall asleep right now. What the hell is wrong with me? What is happening inside my body? Is it my blood sugar? Allergies? A disease? Something neurological? A hemorrhage? Could this be a hemorrhage? Why do I want to lie down flat on the ground and rest my eyes? Why do I feel a hard-to-describe itchiness, a vague dislike for the current moment, a desire to escape it, and to think about something else entirely? Is this forever? Am I permanently changed now? Do I have to call out of work tomorrow? Will I ever work again? Can someone, anyone, help me?”
Let me assure you: You are okay. Do not call 911. What you are experiencing is simply boredom. What probably happened was this: You read Schefty’s tweet, and in that instant, your mind jumped ahead to September 13th. You imagined having just spent a nice long day watching football, eating good snacks, feeling the crisp autumn breeze rolling through your open living room windows. You saw yourself happy, contented, at peace. Then you pictured yourself flipping over to NBC for the first Sunday Night game of the year – and your stomach dropped.
You saw Dak Prescott and Jaxson Dart staring back at you, doing those odd intro-video-poses QBs have to do: all their pads on except for their helmets, holding the neck part of their chest protector, or spinning a football in their hands, or pointing at the camera, smirking at you…
You envisioned the broadcast showing Dak doing this dumbass shit:
You saw your glass of Diet Coke slip from your hands. It shatters. The dog fearfully runs into the other room – but you don’t hear it. You don’t hear anything at all, except for the Saving Private Ryan-ish tinnitus in your ears. You are panicking:
And you mutter to yourself in disbelief: “No… Please… This can’t be… Why would the NFL schedule a 7-10 team to play a 4-13 team on the first Sunday night game of the year? This is gonna be boring as shit… Why are they shoving the Giants down our throats? They’re not even close to being good. The Cowboys will never, ever win anything meaningful. Weren’t both of these teams somehow eliminated from playoff contention by like Halloween last year? I waited all summer for this very evening. I’m making meatball sandwiches. The meatballs have been cooking all afternoon and they’re finally about to be ready. I gotta waste my meatball hoagie dinner on Giants-Cowboys? What did I do to deserve this…”
Which is all completely natural and valid. Again, there is nothing wrong with you. You are not the problem. The problem is the NFL for scheduling this dog shit as the first Sunday primetime game.
But let’s look at the bright side. We have months to prepare for this nightmare. As September 13th approaches, it may help you to keep in mind: You do not have to watch this entire game. In fact, you don’t have to watch any of it, if you don’t want to. At 8:30 ET on a Sunday, you’re going to have plenty of other viewing options besides watching Mike Tirico and Cris Collinsworth trying to conjure up excitement around John Harbaugh coming to New York. That’s the only storyline. There’s really nothing else to say. How are they gonna talk about this for like three-plus hours of broadcast time?
That’s a rhetorical question. I’m not asking you to answer it. I wouldn’t do that to you. It’s not your problem. Do not think about this game anymore. Take care of yourself. When September 13th rolls around, watch HBO instead. There will probably be something good on HBO. Maybe The Chair Company will be back by then. Enjoy your meatballs to that. Don’t waste your meatballs on this. Don’t fall asleep from boredom with meatballs in your hands.
Matt Schultz is a comedy and sports writer from Philadelphia. He’s written extensively for ClickHole, The Onion, and Conan O’Brien’s Team Coco. His work has been featured in Vulture, Deadspin, The A.V. Club, Paste Magazine, and other publications. Much of his sports journalism can be found on college basketball websites that don’t exist anymore (PhilaHoops Heads rise up…)