Eagles

The Eagles Officially Recommend Letting Your Child Shit on the Cowboys’ Star

By Kyle Scott

Published: Sep 23rd, 2014 · 10:55 AM EDT

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Often times, teams and organizations will unknowingly endorse a life protocol simply through their carefully considered marketing efforts. For example, Apple commercials tell me that I should have exactly three ridiculously photogenic Asian friends, two ridiculously photogenic black friends (one bald male, one female with crazy, teased-out hair), an average looking white male friend named Johnny, and a free-spirited-yet-stable ex-girlfriend named Beth or Jenn whom I for some reason keep allowing to show up in my recent contacts. I’ll never feel whole until I get this ratio just right.

In that same spirit, today the Eagles officially put their stamp of approval on raising your kid like a Kenzo. They posted a comic demonstrating the proper ways to raise an Eagles fan: singing Fly Eagles Fly into a bullhorn over their crib, sending them to school with a pickle juice-complemented lunch, letting Malcolm Jenkins serve your three-year-old daughter tea, encouraging color blindness by forcing them to use crayons comprised only of the many shades of Midnight Green, giving them an RV at 16, and:

Somewhere, Dave Spadaro is yelling at his superior, “I GOT REPRIMANDED FOR MERELY SPITTING ON IT… but I would love to poop in this thing. Can I poop in this thing?”