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A List of Everyone to Blame for Kyle Schwarber’s Bullshit Non-Home Run
By Matt Schultz
Published:
Kyle Schwarber knew it was gone. The broadcast knew it was gone. Everyone in the ballpark and watching at home, bettors included, knew it was gone. The towering drive soared through the smoke-choked air, dropped into the stands, and bounced back onto the field as the crowd cheered. That’s a home run. Tie game. Kyle’s 33rd homer of the year…
But it wasn’t.
The ball hit the top of the railing along the outfield wall, which, at Citizens Bank Park, means ground rule double. Which is some absolute bullshit:
We’re a good 14 hours removed from this moment and I’m still pissed about it. Every time I rewatch the video, I find something new to get furious at, and I can’t help but want to find someone or something to blame. So that’s what I did. I found them. Here’s who’s responsible for this atrocity, in order:
1. The fan who didn’t catch the ball
Let me make this clear up top: I’ve watched this video several times. If the fan had put his glove up to catch the ball, it would not have been fan interference. I’ve seen some people online say it would’ve been; they are wrong. This only would’ve been fan interference if the guy reached over the wall and into the field of play to make the catch. I’m not saying he should’ve done that. He should not have — and he didn’t have to! Keep your glove up. Don’t turn your wrist over to catch it underhand. Meet the ball roughly a foot above where it hit the railing, and the CBP bell would’ve been ringing. There’s no way the replay would’ve ruled it didn’t cross the plane. It did. Watch the video again. That bounce was insane.
Which begs the obvious question: what the hell was this guy doing? Ducking? It looks like he’s ducking. Brother, you’re wearing a glove. You brought that glove from home. You put it in your car and carried it into the ballpark and put it on your hand hoping this exact thing would happen – a Schwarbomb heading directly your way. All you had to do was turn your hand over and spread your fingers and everyone would’ve won:
-You (You would’ve caught the ball you clearly desired.)
-Kyle (he adds a 33rd homer in his HR title chase and quest to beat Ryan Howard’s single-season Phillies record of 58.)
-Possibly the Phils (Who knows how a run there affects the momentum of the game? It would’ve been tied 1-1! Anything could’ve happened!).
The fan simply has to catch that ball there… We were counting on you, fan…
But instead, you cowered. It’s not often you see a person actually cower in real life. Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen it before – until now. That was a full, 100%, actual cower. You were afraid. You went fetal position. You ducked. You shrank away from a baseball. A baseball! Which is what you wanted to get! You’re wearing the glove! I’m genuinely getting mad all over again writing this!
And I’m not alone. No chance. Eduardo Pérez called it out in real time during the broadcast. He’s not a Phillies fan, and even he seemed slightly pissed:
“Okay, I have a bone to pick with the bucket hat guy that’s right there with his mouth open. You have to make that play. You have a glove in your hand and you did not make the play. You make that play, that’s a home run for the Philadelphia Phillies. Why are you covering yourself when you have a glove in your hand? That defeats the purpose, Karl.”
2. Citizens Bank Park
Why is hitting the railing a ground rule double? Make that shit a home run! That’s easy enough to do! It’s your ballpark. You get to make up the rules. Make the rules better!
3. Independence Blue Cross
Greedy assholes just need to have their advertisement out there. When’s it enough money? How much more do you need? According to Google, “the company’s total worth is primarily reflected in its operational scale, with $36.3 billion in annual revenue and approximately $3.9 billion in financial surplus.” Enough! Fuck off! We know about Independence Blue Cross. Your name doesn’t need to be plastered up on a railing that denies the Phillies home runs. Your shitty ad cost Kyle a homer. Take it down.
(I imagine Independence Blue Cross was not in charge of putting the railing there. Figure they just bought the ad space that already existed/was made available by Citizens Bank Park. I do not care. The fact that this homer was swatted away by a health insurance company worth billions of dollars has me pissed… How much more are these vultures going to take from us…)
The fan, Citizens Bank Park, and Independence Blue Cross need to get together and figure out how to fix this. Kyle has been wronged. Phillies fans have been wronged. They gotta make this up to us somehow. They gotta do something and it’s gotta be good. Don’t cower from the moment… again…
Matt Schultz is a comedy and sports writer from Philadelphia. He’s written extensively for ClickHole, The Onion, and Conan O’Brien’s Team Coco. His work has been featured in Vulture, Deadspin, The A.V. Club, Paste Magazine, and other publications. Much of his sports journalism can be found on college basketball websites that don’t exist anymore (PhilaHoops Heads rise up…) email: M.Schultz@sportradar.com