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Some Sort of Nightmarish Mascot Malfunction Occurred at the Phillies Game
By Matt Schultz
Published:
The Phillies celebrated the Phanatic’s birthday on Sunday (roughly 2,000 years ago, the fully-grown Phanatic walked out of the ocean in his jersey and hat, made a pilgrimage to the site where Veterans Stadium someday would be, and stood there silently until the ballpark was built around him.) He technically doesn’t have a birthday; the celebration is more symbolic, like when you pick a random day to celebrate a rescue’s dog’s birthday because there’s no way of knowing when it actually is.
For the occasion, the organization had a bunch of other mascots in attendance to partake in the festivities. Sadly, though, a strange phenomenon took place that caused each of them to experience some sort of joined, psychic malfunction. Take a look at Luke’s video:
Just a sad sight to see. Gotta imagine the children in attendance were horrified, watching these usually-strong, noble exemplars of health and good cheer collapsing to their knees. As if we needed a reminder that each and every one of us – even these silent, dancing heroes we place high on their pedestals – are vulnerable to illness, confusion, and fear.
The footage is certainly not for those with weak stomachs: Villanova’s Will D. Cat flopped out helplessly on his back. The Delaware Blue Hen doubled over like his appendix is rupturing. The SJU Hawk, ever the committed soldier, continuing to weakly flap its wings even as their leader, the Phanatic himself, topples to the ground in a faint, defeated heap.
It’s clear as day that Gritty approached the umpire to ask for help. “We don’t know what’s happening and we’re terrified. Don’t just stand there. Call 9-1-1.” And the umpire coldly turns away…
Unfortunately, it’ll likely take decades for scientists to understand what caused this upsetting, collective dizzy spell, but for now, we can all take solace in the fact that this malfunction only lasted a few minutes. Here’s to hoping each of them lives another 2,000 years without another scare like this.
Matt Schultz is a comedy and sports writer from Philadelphia. He’s written extensively for ClickHole, The Onion, and Conan O’Brien’s Team Coco. His work has been featured in Vulture, Deadspin, The A.V. Club, Paste Magazine, and other publications. Much of his sports journalism can be found on college basketball websites that don’t exist anymore (PhilaHoops Heads rise up…)