Phillies

The Phillies Being Atrocious Will Not Stop Me From Dunking on the New York Mets

By Matt Schultz

Published: Apr 28th, 2026 · 1:35 PM EDT

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They say people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. I guess that means you shouldn’t talk shit if your house is also shit… Because the house… would shatter… and there’d be shit like all over… or something…

To this idiom, I say: I respectfully disagree. It’s fun to throw rocks. My house isn’t actually glass. It’s made of regular walls. Wood. That sort of stuff. Throwing rocks is pretty much fine in here, so that’s exactly what I’m gonna do.  

Today, I will be throwing stones at the Mets. I don’t care that the Phillies are a train wreck and just fired Rob Thomson. I’m doing it anyway. 

A Refresher on the Mets Narratives Going into the 2026 Season

Let’s rewind to the winter of 2025. Steve Cohen and David Stearns decided enough was enough. With Cohen’s billions of dollars and Stearns’ mental aptitude and genius for the game, the Mets’ owner and President of Baseball Operations mapped out a simple yet foolproof plan: They will become the Dodgers of the East. They will spend whatever it takes to win a World Series. A winning culture was about to take shape. Things were finally about to change.

It would be a new-look Mets team. Out goes Pete Alonso, Brandon Nimmo, Jeff McNeil, and Edwin Diaz. But who gives a rat’s ass? Because Mr. Cohen broke out his checkbook and paid top dollar for Bo Bichette: 3 years, $126 million will be worth every penny when the World Series trophy is lifted inside of Citi Field. Devin Williams would slot in as a dominant closer. Marcus Semien would be the veteran, reliable hitter the lineup needed. Luis Robert Jr. was the upside swing no one except the brilliant Mets was smart enough to take. Freddy Peralta would stabilize the rotation behind Kodai Senga. Jorge Polanco would be another professional hitter to rely on. Not to mention they’re paying Juan Soto the most money in baseball, and Francisco Lindor is the perfect, ultra-versatile star to captain the ship. What could go wrong?

Everything. It’s beautiful. 

A Statistical Rundown of the Mets’ Humiliating Season So Far:

• Bo Bichette has a .570 OPS (.233/.268/.302) — third worst among Mets regulars. The $126 Million Man!
• Devin Williams has a truly disastrous 9.00 ERA.
• Kodai Senga also has a 9.00 ERA. The 9 Boys! 9 Fellas Rise Up!
• Marcus Semien’s .575 OPS ranks him as one of the worst offensive performers on this horrific team. No power, no walks, no production.
• Luis Robert Jr. has a .656 OPS with two HR – zero power!
• Juan Soto’s already missed a ton of time with calf strains. 
• Francisco Lindor has a .669 OPS and will be out until June with the same calf strain that Juan Soto just came back from. 

Every move was wrong! That seems harder to do than to actually getting some moves right! 

Now let’s zoom out and get a Bigger Picture Idea of how terribly this Mets season is going:

• The Mets are 9-19 (.321) — one of the worst records in MLB. 
• Their run differential is -30 (scoring 3.29 R/G, allowing 4.36 R/G). 
• Their team AVG/OBP/SLG/OPS is: .226/.288/.337/.625 — anemic across the board! 
• They’ve amassed a whopping 224 strikeouts — Damn!
• On the pitching side, the Mets’ team ERA is 4.01, with a WHIP of 1.29.
• At home this season, the Mets are 5-10. When they’re away, they’re 4-9. They’re almost equally shitty no matter where they are! 
• The Mets are 2-6 in 1-run games. Woof!
• The Mets have racked up 6 blowout losses (losses with a 5+ run margin) in 28 games. That’s a lot of embarrassment!

What else? There has to be more…

There is!

The Mets just got swept at home… by the Colorado Rockies! Citi Field is filled with empty seats. Fans are calling for Carlos Mendoza to be fired. Over the last 11 months, the Mets have had two 7-game losing streaks, an 8-game losing streak, and a recent 12-game losing streak.  

Truly disgraceful stuff!

This is nice, isn’t it? Basking in the Mets’ utter and total failures? This is what it’s all about. The Mets are an embarrassment of a franchise. They will never win. The more they spend, the worse they get, and the funnier it is. It’s awesome. Happens every year, and it’ll never get old. 

We don’t need to talk about the Phillies. We don’t need to talk about Topper getting fired. That stuff is irrelevant. My glass house is shattered and I do not care. This was worth it. I had fun.