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Knicks Fans Continue Their Unwell Reign of Terror by Frightening Jay-Z After Game 2
By Matt Schultz
Published:
The Knicks and Sixers have only played two games so far in their second-round matchup, and in that time, Knicks fans have packed in a remarkable amount of strange behavior. First, they nearly killed JR Smith after game one by stampeding him. Then they attacked a Sixers fan by trying to claw his shirt off. But, turns out, those were merely warm-ups, efforts to shake off the rust of lunacy before getting to their main event: Absolutely terrifying their hometown hero Jay-Z while he looked for his car after Game 2:
Watching the video, I can’t help but feel bad for Jay. I think society largely still views Jay-Z as a cool young-guy rapper, forever somewhere between 28 and 34 in our minds – but that is not the case. Jay-Z is an almost 60-year-old man, and this is exactly how 60-year-olds look when they’re afraid:
This is a tired retiree wondering why he left his house tonight. Like every near-60-year-old, all he wants is to be at home, paying close attention to the litany of pharmaceutical commercials advertised during The Food That Built America on History Channel, wondering if he should ask his doctor if Skyrizi might be right for him, or if it might interfere with his Lipitor. He wants to get into bed and read a few pages of an airport-looking book about Free Masons solving some sort of ancient puzzle, written by an author whose name is in way bigger font on the cover than the title. Jay wants to be up early tomorrow. He wants to mulch.
But devastatingly, Jay-Z can’t find his car. Knicks fans are closing in… and he is afraid of them. I can’t blame him there; I would be too. At this point, there’s enough evidence to suggest Knicks fans are emotionally volatile people prone to bursts of mob violence, and the shouts from the crowd are only making it scarier. The guy yelling “You good, Hov! You in New York, you good!” is about as reassuring as a kidnapper gently stroking Jay’s hair and soothingly whispering, “I’d never hurt you…”
Jay-Z is frozen. He wonders why his 20 security guards haven’t found his car yet. He wonders if he should’ve hired 40 or 50 security guards. Then he wonders nothing. Panic takes over. His mind clearly goes blank:
Let this be a warning to everyone, everywhere: Whether Knicks fans love you or hate you, being near them does not appear to be a safe idea. Here’s hoping no more elderly men are made to suffer at the deranged hands of the Knicks fanbase.
Matt Schultz is a comedy and sports writer from Philadelphia. He’s written extensively for ClickHole, The Onion, and Conan O’Brien’s Team Coco. His work has been featured in Vulture, Deadspin, The A.V. Club, Paste Magazine, and other publications. Much of his sports journalism can be found on college basketball websites that don’t exist anymore (PhilaHoops Heads rise up…)