Sixers

The Sixers Need a ‘Pretty Woman’ Scenario to Be Successful

By Coggin Toboggan

Published: May 15th, 2026 · 9:26 AM EDT

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OH my god it happened again. Another season, another second round playoff exit, another MULTITUDE of injuries that ultimately derailed any chance this franchise had of being relevant. It’s the same damn thing every single year. We all get roped into believing the 76ers actually have a chance to make some noise in the postseason, but bad luck and questionable roster decisions yet again doomed them into irrelevance.

They fired Daryl Morey, but honestly is that enough? Because all of this frankly should start at the top with Josh Harris and company, who certainly seem to view the 76ers as the red-headed stepchild of their team portfolio. Harris also has some other things going on in his life that kind of push the 76ers back from the forefront, which I suppose is understandable. Something about emails? An island? I don’t know, I don’t really follow the news.

The Commanders are the golden child, the New Jersey Devils are the former honor roll student who couldn’t find a job after college and are now way too into crypto after moving back in with their parents, and the 76ers are the latchkey kids that are kept alive purely through a couple Bagel Bites each night and as much Mountain Dew Code Red as they can drink.

And honestly? It’s been this way for the last three decades. The last two owners of the 76ers have owned multiple teams and cared FAR LESS about the Sixers than anyone else in their portfolio. God bless Mr. Snider (we call him Mr. Snider out of respect) but I guarantee you he forgot he even owned the 76ers during most moments of his life.

He LOVED the Flyers, obviously, but always seemed to view the 76ers more as bothersome tenants of his arena who were always complaining about a leaking toilet or faulty air conditioning.

From Snider to Harris, nobody gives a shit about the poor, neglected 76ers. Harris is basically an absentee father at this point, long divorced from the deal that brough him the 76ers. Sure, he’ll show up every now again and for an important press conference and a phone call on a birthday (if he remembers), but an important Little League Game? A graduation? The seat reserved for Harris will yet again go unused as the 76ers fight back tears at another absence.

“I’ll make it up to you sport, get you real great free agent in the offseason.”

“Sure dad, last time you said that we were roped into a Paul George max contract. I HATE YOU!”

And so it goes.

But here’s a timely reference for you….the Sixers need a “Pretty Woman” scenario to pull them into relevance again. Sure they do! Who doesn’t love equating basketball success with a movie that hasn’t been culturally relevant since 1989?

The 76ers are the streetwalking hooker with a heart of gold. They need to find their Richard Gere, aka a billionaire that can see around their rough edges to the beautiful promise they hold underneath. They deserve a fashion montage on Rodeo Drive from someone truly into them instead of a $50 gift card to Ross Dress For Less from an owner too busy looking at his iPhone time to see how the Commanders schedule release video is being accepted by the public.

Some billionaire needs to make the 76ers be his shiny new toy…and fall in love.

Alright, fine, maybe not fall in love, but at least make them feel IMPORTANT for once in their damned lives. Is it too much to ask for the 76ers to find their Mark Cuban? It worked for the Mavericks! Someone to pour money into a team they adore without worrying about crossing over into a luxury tax bracket or fretting over graphs showing the team’s EBITDA in Q4.

This team needs a Gere! Give me the montage of new and exciting free agents, personnel moves, and draft picks set to “Here Come the Sixers.” We deserve it. They deserve it. This city fucking deserves it.

Enough with Harris and his step-dad energy. WE’LL NEVER CALL YOU DAD, JOSH, YOU’RE NOT OUR REAL FATHER. Damnit, this team deserves an owner who will only have eyes for them.

Problem is, who the hell fits that role? Not a lot of billionaires out there who could actually afford the 76ers, who have been valued at $5.5 billion by Forbes. All of this would have been solved if Snider had sold the team to Pat Croce in the early 2000s (though he also reportedly wanted all of Comcast-Spectacor as well, and that was never going to happen), but c’est la vie. I still think Harris owes it to all of us to sell the team to Croce for pennies on the dollar, as I think he’d be the PERFECT team owner, but that ain’t happening.

So, what about this….what about Michael Rubin? He checks several boxes (huge 76ers fans, billionaire, basketball fan) and has money to burn…owning a basketball team could be JUST the thing he needs to really make his White Parties pop. Think what you want about the guy, but he has the resources to actually push the team to another level and seems to care enough that it would be more than just a tax write-off for him.

Yeah yeah yeah, I know Fanatics is firmly ensconced in the sports betting and gambling business now, which he’d likely have to get out of to own a team…but why not? Do it for the city, Michael! Be our Richard Gere! Come on, what’s a few hundred million dollars, give or take?

WELL COME ON CINDERELLA IT’S TIME TO GET YOU READY FOR THE BALL!