Ad Disclosure
I’m Fed Up With the Rally House Jingle Not Including Saint Joe’s
By Matt Schultz
Published:
This morning I was singing the Rally House jingle to myself alone in my house. I love the jingle. It’s a catchy jingle. I was having a pleasant Friday morning. Then, suddenly, a beef I have with the Rally House song – one that lies dormant for months at a time before roaring back to the surface with the utmost urgency – became all I could think about. Just like that, my pleasant Friday morning was over. The singing stopped. Instead I began muttering a question to myself over and over…
Why the hell doesn’t the Rally House jingle include Saint Joe’s?
LYRICS
Rally House
Shop every team in town
College
and pro
Come on it’s time to go
Come on it’s time to go
(spoken word portion here)
Eagles, Sixers, Villanova, Penn State
Temple, Phillies, Flyers, don’t be late
Rally House
Rally House
It’s your city, it’s your house
It’s the Rally House
In my opinion, to omit Saint Joe’s in this jingle is a disgrace. Even putting my SJU homerism aside, the lyrics are still infuriating. La Salle, Penn, and Drexel should also be in this jingle. None of those schools deserve it more than Saint Joe’s, of course – SJU has a way richer sports history, culture, and Philly imprint than any of them – but still, all of them should be in there. In fact, all four excluded Big 5 schools (Drexel counts now) should be in the song over Penn State. Every other team listed is a Philly team (Villanova is not a Philly school, but Nova basketball is a Philly team). Penn State is not a Philly school or team. It’s four hours away from Philly. No one in Philly feels a connection to Penn State unless their kids or parents went there. If you’re not going to squeeze “Abington Campus” into the jingle, Penn State should not be mentioned. Holy Family should be in the jingle before Penn State. I will not back down from this opinion.
But I’ll tell you what’s worse than Saint Joe’s, La Salle, Penn, and Drexel not being in the song: They are not featured anywhere in this commercial. I just watched it like five times. Nothing. Not even on boring merch no one cares about, like scarves or coasters. But you know what school’s merch is heavily showcased?
To show Pitt instead of several Big 5 schools is a travesty.* Truly awful stuff. But I guess this is what’s to be expected from a big-ass company like Rally House that has over 300 stores nationwide (I just found out about this, I thought they were a Philly company, couldn’t have been more wrong). Look at these phonies… They’ve been playing us this whole time…
Utter betrayal… It feels like when you think a dog really likes you, but then more people come around and you see the dog is just as friendly and excited to everyone else. It’s a gut-wrenching realization: You’re not special to the dog. You’re not special to Rally House. They’re playing with our hearts like a chew toy…
Do better, Rally House. And know that if you ever decide you actually want to make your Philly approach authentic, Crossing Broad is available to hire as consultants. We are very expensive but we will do it if the number’s right. We owe it to our city. Unlike you, we care about the people. We are salt of the earth… Blue-collar heroes, in a way… Springsteen-like… Yes… The ball is in your court…
*Kinkead: I agree! Pitt is the absolute worst.
Matt Schultz is a comedy and sports writer from Philadelphia. He’s written extensively for ClickHole, The Onion, and Conan O’Brien’s Team Coco. His work has been featured in Vulture, Deadspin, The A.V. Club, Paste Magazine, and other publications. Much of his sports journalism can be found on college basketball websites that don’t exist anymore (PhilaHoops Heads rise up…)