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Get this Philly Crossing Guard Hero a Lifetime Supply of Mister Softee Ice Cream
By Matt Schultz
Published:
Throughout a lifetime, we each only get a handful of moments to define our legacy. When all is said and done, were you prepared when opportunity came knocking? When chaos erupted, were you brave enough to step into the fire? Did pressure crush you, or turn you into a diamond?
I don’t think this Philly crossing guard was thinking about any of that stuff. But maybe that’s exactly what makes him a hero – he didn’t think about pulling a kid out from a car accident; he simply acted:
It goes without saying – this guy absolutely rules. Going sideways with the crossing guard hat: genuinely looks awesome. Not taking off the sunglasses for the interview: cool as hell. Bobbing and weaving throughout the interview: excellently complemented the storytelling. Made me feel like I was right there with him as the car barreled toward him. Also, impressive footwork. It’s clear that this guy is light on his feet, which, as I’m learning from this video, is absolutely critical for a crossing guard.
But the headliner of this video, of course, is the ice cream. This guy is absolutely going to town on this cone Costanza-style:
The difference, though, is that this crossing guard is way more graceful than George was. I’ve never seen anything like it, but this guy has seamlessly intertwined the ice cream licks with his talking. It doesn’t get in the way at all. It’s a smooth, efficient operation the whole way through. Fascinating.
Sitting here watching the video over again, I can’t help but wonder when the ice cream came into play. Did he save this kid then immediately buy the cone, possibly as a reward to himself? Was he about to be interviewed, then saw a Mister Softee truck, then sprinted after it before the interview began? Could he have been holding this ice cream while he was saving the kid, periodically giving the cone licks so the ice cream didn’t drip onto his hand? Or maybe it’s something else entirely. Maybe I’m being too narrow-minded. Maybe there was more than one cone involved, and every one of the above options is true, and this crossing guard has been housing several ice cream cones back-to-back for the whole afternoon?
Sadly, there’s no way to know. Much like the science behind what makes a hero a hero, the answers are out of our modern reach of understanding. But here’s what I do know: This crossing guard deserves a lifetime of free Mister Softee ice cream cones. A hero should reap his riches.
Matt Schultz is a comedy and sports writer from Philadelphia. He’s written extensively for ClickHole, The Onion, and Conan O’Brien’s Team Coco. His work has been featured in Vulture, Deadspin, The A.V. Club, Paste Magazine, and other publications. Much of his sports journalism can be found on college basketball websites that don’t exist anymore (PhilaHoops Heads rise up…)