Ad Disclosure
Justin Thomas Wants the U.S. Open to be at Bensalem Township Country Club (He Basically Said It)
By Matt Schultz
Published:
By just about every measure, the PGA Championship at Aronimink Golf Club in Newtown Square was a huge success. We got some great golf. Jon Rahm hit a volunteer in the face. Rory McIlroy cracked under the pressure of a Philly fan chirping. It was pretty much a perfect major:
And the tournament wasn’t just great for fans – the golfers seem to have had a great time, too. But maybe no one enjoyed the tournament as much as Justin Thomas, who said he wants to see more PGA events in the Philly area:
I think we all hear Justin loud and clear. We can read between the lines. He had to keep it short because he’s a busy guy, but it’s pretty obvious what Justin was getting at: He is demanding that the US Open be played at Bensalem Country Club. He loves the Philly area. He thought Newtown Square was nice. But he’s been hearing a lot of chatter about Bensalem, and he wants to experience it for himself and bring the entire golf world along with him. You can glean it from the quote. He’s laying it on pretty thick:
Justin wants to stay at the Red Roof Inn in Trevose, with the very tall sign you can see from 95.
Justin wants to unwind after a round with a drink and some slots at the Parx Casino.
Justin heard Wayne Brady performs there sometimes, at the Parx, and he hopes the schedules line up to see him.
Justin wants to take a stroll in Benjamin Rush Park, and think to himself, “This park is nicer than you’d expect. Lot of trash on the ground, sure, but the trees look nice. If you just tilt your head upward and focus on the trees, you barely even see the crushed white Monster cans on the ground, or the Take 5 wrappers fluttering by with the breeze, or the chain-link fences, or anything. These are great trees.”
Justin wants to catch a basketball game at Saint Charles. He knows they’re no CYO powerhouse, but he’s hoping that the US Open will overlap with an actual good team rolling through, like Saint Andrew’s or Saint Bede’s.
Justin wants to visit the site of the burned-down Nifty Fifty’s. He wants to quietly ponder, “Why didn’t they rebuild this? This was a good Nifty Fifty’s. What’s the closest one to here now, Grant Ave? Out by Vince’s Pizzeria? That’s way too far…” He wants to traverse the overgrown mini golf course out back. He saw a cool YouTube video about it:
Justin wants to check out the Neshaminy Mall. He heard it’s a bummer now, but wants to see it for himself. He wants to inquire about the fountain. He heard it’s got some pretty cool statues of Native Americans on it. Maybe he could buy the fountain. Maybe he could save the mall. Why not? It’s still an interesting space, even empty. He saw a cool YouTube video about it:
Justin wants to get his practice shots in at the Top Golf on the Boulevard.
Justin heard Bensalem had the best meats around, but sadly the building that had them closed down. He can’t tell what store this was – there’s no sign – but he wants to stop by the location to see if maybe it reopened:
Justin wants to drive through Croydon and think, “This town is very interesting. It’s like a weird bay town. Fishermen… Boats… Waterfront living… This area should be built up. Why not… It happened in Bristol. Croydon could be next. Convenient location. Cool little houses. Salt life… Mark my words: In twenty years, Croydon will be popping off. Fishtown-esque… Why not…”
A hayride at Shady Brook farm. A dip at Dolphin Swim Club. Appetizers at the Toscana 52 that used to be a Bob Evans next to the Lukoil that used to be a Mobil on Street Road. Justin Thomas wants to do it all. He knows there is no place like Bensalem. He believes Bensalem must become the center of the golf world for four glorious days, and he won’t rest until it happens. Good luck, Justin. I stand with you.
Matt Schultz is a comedy and sports writer from Philadelphia. He’s written extensively for ClickHole, The Onion, and Conan O’Brien’s Team Coco. His work has been featured in Vulture, Deadspin, The A.V. Club, Paste Magazine, and other publications. Much of his sports journalism can be found on college basketball websites that don’t exist anymore (PhilaHoops Heads rise up…)