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Stephen A. Smith Says He’s Way Too Popular to Sit in the Stands With Regular People
By Matt Schultz
Published:
Stephen A. Smith was on ESPN breaking down Game 1 of the NBA Finals when he mentioned a hardship that very few of us could ever really understand: He’s far too famous to sit in the stands with normal people:
“I was standing in the tunnel because that’s what I like to do – because, obviously, you know, I’m a popular dude, so it’s difficult to sit in the stands and stuff like that.”
Damn… You can’t help but feel bad that Stephen A’s international fame prevents him from doing everyday things us peasants take for granted – but I am at least heartened to know he’s not letting this burden turn him into a recluse, the way it does for so many of history’s most iconic figures. For many who reach the heights of Stephen A. – a man whose face is known by every living human from here to the Serengeti, whose name is the first words spoken by millions of babies every day – staying locked away in a penthouse can be the easiest, and safest, option.
Of course, were Stephen A. to just appear in a normal public space, say a grocery store or a park, a riot would ensue. Hundreds – nay, thousands of fans would flock to him, trying to shake his hand, to thank him for everything, to tell him that his work on First Take saved their lives. It would be a stampede. The masses would trample anyone and everyone in their way for a chance to graze Stephen A’s purple, checkered suit jacket, to get a whiff of his hardworking scent, to glimpse the sunlight bouncing off his massive, shiny forehead. The death toll would be enormous. It’d be Beatlemania times a hundred…
And so Stephen A. must hide in the shadows… but at least he still graces us with his presence from afar.
It is frustrating, though. There’s no doubt about it. It’d be nice if we, the commoners, could get a closer view of Stephen A., even just once – but alas, it’s impossible. Like Stephen A. said, if he were to enter the stands during these NBA Finals – even courtside – it just wouldn’t work. The game couldn’t even be played. The Knicks and Spurs players themselves would be drawn to Stephen A., enchanted by his fame, sucked into his gravity, and hammer him with the questions they’d always dreamed of asking him:
“What’s Skip Bayless like?”
“Who do you like better, Skip Bayless or Max Kellerman?”
“Do you and Mad Dog actually get mad at each other or is it just for the show?”
“Where do you get your ties? You have the widest ties. I’d like to have one of your wide, bright-colored ties.”
“Is Skip Bayless nice?”
“Remember your goatee, Stephen A.? I remember that.”
“Can you please do that thing where you talk low for a minute, then when you are ready to make your point, you start yelling? Please Stephen A…”
“Is Skip Bayless weird?”
“Are your wide ties expensive?”
“Why don’t you bring back your goatee?”
Then there are the other A-listers to worry about. Timothée Chalamet, Ben Stiller, Fat Joe – they understand that Stephen A. is at an entirely other level of fame, and these global icons would turn into rabid fans themselves in his presence. They would join the mob. They would claw each other’s eyes out for the chance to stand next to Stephen A. and take a selfie, to ask for his autograph, to ask him if he misses writing for the Inquirer…
Everything considered, I feel a thank you is in order. Thank you, Stephen A., for not joining us animals in the stands. Thank you for protecting us from ourselves.
Matt Schultz is a comedy and sports writer from Philadelphia. He’s written extensively for ClickHole, The Onion, and Conan O’Brien’s Team Coco. His work has been featured in Vulture, Deadspin, The A.V. Club, Paste Magazine, and other publications. Much of his sports journalism can be found on college basketball websites that don’t exist anymore (PhilaHoops Heads rise up…)