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The Ridiculous Marlins

By Kyle Scott

Published: Apr 6th, 2012 · 4:55 PM EDT

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The Los Marlinos are going to be a lot of fun this year. I have no idea if they will be any good*, but they’re certainly going to be entertaining.

They play in a spaceship.

It has a Kristin Davis-vagina-like home run sculpture.

Jose Reyes. 

A bananas logo.

This unfortunate unofficial theme song.

And Ozzie Guillen.

Ah yes, Ozzie Guillen– he’s a drunk, apparently. Here's what he told CBS Sports yesterday:

“I get drunk because I'm happy we win or I get drunk because I'm very sad and disturbed because we lose,” Guillen said. “Same routine, it never changes. It's been the same routine for 25, 28 years. It doesn't change. I don't like to go out.”

“I don't have time,” Guillen said. “I've got to be here early, and I go to sleep so drunk that I have to recover in time to go to the park.”

 

Nice. Their owner, Jeffrey Loria, however… well, he likes cake. This one: 

 

via Strip Club with Stanton, Deadspin

That’s what was in the owner’s box during the Marlins stadium-opening one-game series on Wednesday night against the Cardinals, who quickly flew the coop (bird jokes), since MLB has reduced Opening Day to a series of games that loosely resemble the cadence of foreplay. No one is exactly sure when the play time ends and the sex begins … but by the time Cliff Lee takes the mound and starts spraying excellence everywhere, the festivities seem to be over. Just like this week… in case you couldn't tell by this last paragraph.

*When discussing drafting Heath Bell for team Berthing Scott, I briefly forgot that he was a Marlin. Co-owner Mike pointed out to me that had been happening to him as well, with several players, and then he kept realizing that they all wound up in Miami. The “oh yeah I forgot, that team got everybody this offseason” test sounds great on paper, but it rarely ends up well for said team. I guess we’ll see.