Alright, before we dive in here, I want to address something that bothered me stemming from my first post. I know the commenters here are a pathetic bunch of real-life cowards who get their rocks off ejaculating vitriol while hiding behind a computer screen, but seriously, it took 22 comments before the first anti-Semitic one? Holy shit, you guys are soft. A bunch of frauds, too. I was expecting so much more. The anti-Semitic comments weren’t even creative or hurtful! Some dumb “juuuu” spellings with a “hook nose” dig (I’ll have you know my nose is expressly not stereotypically Jewish, though it is a little crooked and I’m sensitive about that so please don’t be mean), that was it. I’ve had my religion and culture more harshly insulted by an oblivious yet harmless security guard at the Holocaust Memorial Museum. Take a lap, schmucks.

Anyway, about those Eagles. The dress rehearsal portion of the preseason is over and the roster is down to 75. Thankfully I don’t have to waste any more words on Rueben Randle, who’s got all the prototypical physical skills but doesn’t like football or even pretend to, and Chris Givens, who’s by all accounts a Grade A douche, than I just did. On paper, this is a team whose ceiling I’d peg at 6-10 or 7-9, but that’s why they play the games. By the way, if an unexpected run and playoff berth isn’t in the cards, goal number one for me this season is finishing with a draft pick outside the top-10 so first round FOMO isn’t too severe. I know, I know, giving up the pick to the Browns is already a sunk cost and immaterial to the Eagles moving forward, so in this hypothetical scenario I should actually root for a top-10 pick so that our second round pick is higher. Listen, spare me the business lesson, I don’t care and this is how I feel.

Since I’m an insufferably long-winded, purple prose pissant, I’m splitting this article into two parts, with the offense up first and the defense tomorrow. Let’s get to it.

Orchestrators

Doug Pederson and Frank Reich. I know DP (shoutout Derrick Gunn) wasn’t the sexy head coaching selection, but he was the one the Eagles were most familiar and comfortable with and always knew they could get if they struck out on their initial targets. His simple, honest, utterly human style represents the complete opposite of Chip Kelly, and no doubt that appealed to Jeff Lurie (perhaps above all else).

I love the hire of Frank Reich and am cautiously optimistic about the duo’s ability to capably integrate personnel and mold the offense. Since there’s a lack of explosiveness and talent in general, I’m expecting the operation to be very Chiefs-like: Low-risk play calls, quick reads and ball control with some pick-your-spot shots to keep the defense honest. Now, you shouldn’t necessarily mistake this for boring. I’d be elated to see a healthy diet of 10-plus play drives that eat up five-plus minutes of clock. What I won’t be elated to see, however, is conservativeness that borders on mundanity, absurdity and an active disregard for giving this team the best chance to win. Case in point: Punting on 4th-and-5 inside the opponent’s 40-yard line, which is exactly what DP did in the fourth quarter of the Steelers game. What the exasperating FUCK?! Maybe he didn’t want to give the Steelers a look at any possible fourth down options since they play them Week 3, but come onnnnnnnnn, how can you pretend there isn’t value in calling something and having the offense practice that situation in game action? Isn’t that what preseason is for? You know the only two players on the team who don’t need in-game practice? Jon Dorenbos and Donnie Jones. I’m pretty sure you know what they can do.

The most expensive yet relentlessly mediocre trio of quarterbacks in NFL history

Sam Bradford, second-straight third preseason game MVP aside (not to be a dick but how many of the players on that Colts defense should be starting in the NFL?), is what he is and inspires no confidence, unless you have your sights set on 7-9. Like, what’s there? What’s exciting about him? Give me one trait. Even his basic throwing motion grinds my gears. He’s so non-threatening that he actually gets openly mocked by players around the league. Bradford is the very definition of milquetoast and will at times make plays so insanely vexatious that it beggars belief he continues to have such a devoted hoard of apologists. Did you know that nothing has ever been his fault? It’s true, you can look it up.

Chase Daniel is a maybe-ok backup quarterback and rah-rah guy who is lauded for being a great teammate and essentially an extra coach. Can he throw more than 10 yards on a rope? That’s an emphatic “hell no.” If he has to step in and start more than once or twice, I’ll be sure to only watch the game(s) when the defense is on the field.

Carson Wentz has some warts and will inevitably experience bumps in the developmental road, but his talent is for real and it’s cultivatable. He can do things on the football field that only a couple of others can and that 99% can only dream of. Will Wentz pan out? I don’t know, but I hope so and I have faith in his physical, mental and intangible abilities. Sure, against the Buccaneers he was facing primarily dudes who won’t be on the field in a regular season game and the air-mailed interception over the middle was bad, but there were at least five legit, exciting plays he made that should’ve brought a smile to your face. The Eagles will handle Wentz the same way they did Donovan McNabb as they desperately attempt to recreate the Andy Reid era. Of course there are a lot of other factors that go into whether he will be the franchise savior, and the only way we’ll see him this season is if Sam Bradford and Chase Daniel get injured/are beyond awful or the season is already lost by Week 8. It doesn’t take much to envision those scenarios happening, by the way.

Runnings backs ?

The running back situation is a mishmash committee, and the bell cow is going to have to be, um, 33-year old Darren Sproles or Kenjon Barner (since Wendell Smallwood can’t do anything without getting hurt) when Ryan Mathews succumbs to his annual malady of injuries. Cool! Side note: Mathews has looked excellent in preseason, and I’ve been quite impressed with Barner as a ball carrier and kick returner.

Please for the love God let the sum be greater than the whole of its parts (wide receivers)

Jordan Matthews will be his Steady Eddie self and break 1,000 yards, though he’ll see his catch total go down from 85 last season (as a result of the offense simply running less plays).

It was fun to pants the Titans and snag Dorial Green-Beckham for Dennis Kelly (ahahahahahaha) in what will go down, in my mind, as one of the top-5 most hilarious trades in NFL history even if he’s garbage. DGB had his concerning, uncondoned off-field issues in college and is enigmatic despite having the body of Megatron mixed with TO mixed with Inspector Gadget, but I’m confident saying that at least he cares more about football than Rueben Randle. It’ll take time for him to learn the offense and get acclimated, but we saw some encouraging displays against the Colts, most notably two on the same drive in the second quarter: making a catch over the middle in traffic and then bouncing off two hits to get extra yards for a first down, followed by the jump-ball touchdown after a miscommunication with Bradford on a similar attempt earlier in the game. I don’t care if the entire stadium knows it’s coming, just throw the ball up to DGB in the red zone and tell him to go make a play. It certainly wouldn’t suck to finally have that kind of weapon.

Josh Huff was probably never in as much danger of losing his roster spot as the media and fans surmised due to the paucity of depth at the position, but he silenced the narrative against the Colts. While far too often an infuriating bonehead and not a pure wide receiver, he’s still a dangerous playmaker, and Pederson and Reich need to figure out creative ways to get him the ball. Like on the jet sweep that went for a touchdown! Chip Kelly being pretty much a surrogate father to Huff and then having no idea how to utilize his skill set after drafting him was unconscionable.

In a year where worthwhile wide receivers traditionally make THE LEAP™, Nelson Agholor is rapidly trending towards bust. Additionally, it appears the Eagles are already low on patience with him, no matter what DP says. I don’t know if it’s more of a talent issue or nonchalance, but you better get your shit together in a hurry, pal. The entire dynamic and potential of the offense changes if the light bulb ever goes on for Agholor.

Paul Turner had the talent to play SEC football (transferred to Louisiana Tech from LSU) and is a nice story as the UDFA training camp darling. That catch he made against the Steelers was dope, too. He just might have the best hands of the wide receiver corps (Christ), but don’t count on him to do anything.

Tight ends, aka the key to the 2016 Eagles offense

Brent Celek will give cockroaches a run for their money as the only organism that survives a nuclear blast. And here’s hoping Zach Ertz does something in the first 12 games of the season before padding his stats in the last four that don’t matter. Trey Burton, an intense crush of mine since before he became an Eagle (what’s up, six-touchdown game against Kentucky as a freshman), is the best receiving tight end on the team and his inclusion in the offense, along with a heavy dose of 3-TE sets, is what I’m most excited about by far. I’ve been beating this drum for two years, and it appears as though the new coaching staff actually values what he can consistently bring to the table outside of special teams. Burton is so unique and enticing in that non-murdery Aaron Hernandez kind of way, and he catches everything thrown to him. Given how weak the situation is at wide receiver and how capable he’s shown himself to be at X, Y and Z positions, Burton should not only get extensive playing time but also be a regular staple of offensive game plans/primary target for the quarterback. I’d even mix him in at running back since the current stable is a precarious dumpster fire. Side note: Since I know you care, I bought Burton for $1 in my fantasy auction league. Forget waiting for the waiver wire, I’m all in from the start.

Offensive line, which is no longer being neglected!

Jason Peters, 34, is held together by tape, bubblegum and the waning remnants of his genetic freakishness. He can’t possibly play the whole season, but the Eagles really have no choice but to rely heavily on him again, especially since Lane Johnson — regardless of whatever the extenuating circumstances may be — royally fucked them over. Allen Barbre starting at right tackle is suboptimal, but here we are.

Jason Kelce was garbage last season and is entering the back-nine of his career; 2016 will show whether 2015 was an anomaly exacerbated by widespread team dysfunction, or the harbinger of his career beginning its downward spiral.

Brandon Brooks got paid a lot of money and is assured of being the starting right guard, but he battled injuries all of training camp and unfortunately the image burned into my mind is him being clueless and badly missing the linebacker blitzing the A-gap on the first play of the Colts game, which resulted in a 14-yard sack. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt because of his history, but forgive me if I feel uneasy.

It looked like Isaac Seumalo had the edge over Stefen Wisniewski for the starting left guard job, then Wiz got the nod over the rookie for the Colts game,* played well and earned praise from the coaches. This is the last starting position on offense still up for grabs, for all you addicts who will be watching the Jets game.

*Edit: Wiz was in for Seumalo due to injury. My apologies.

Licking my chops to write about the defense. See you Wednesday.