These (soon-to-be) NHL Draft Picks Were Eager to Get Drunk and Screw Before Their Big Day
This post originally ran just over a year ago, when our favorite (NOW MARRIED!) puck bunny conquered roughly half a dozen soon-to-be professional hockey players. Sadly, there was no similar venture this year (that we know of…). So, while the sports world slows for a few days as we celebrate Bill Pullman’s famous Independence Day speech and I stock up on coffee, beer and Haribo Gummy Bears for our Flyers free agency running commentary on Friday, let’s relive the beauty and majesty of Princesss Sass, a tradition unlike any other.
Before we delve into the shadowy world of jersey chasing – puck bunnydom, to be specific – let’s rewind to an earlier time.
Back in April, during that series in which the Flyers embarrassed the half-assed hockey team from the western end of the state, we introduced you to (our favorite) partially cloaked Penguins fan: Princesss Sass, as she’s known on the Interrods.
We first came across Ms. Sass when she posted pictures of some signs she brought to the CONSOL Energy Center to harass the Flyers. We then followed her solo travels to Philadelphia for Game 3 and, as recently as last week, featured her in our special puck slut PSA relating to the announcement of the NHL Draft coming to the City of Brotherly Love in 2014. Sass’ appearance in our PSA was to demonstrate the shooting-fish-in-a-barrel nature of the NHL entry draft, an event that sees scores of young, mostly Canadian, teen-something boys flock into a particular city for, up to that point, the biggest weekend of their lives. The weekend when they become men.
We have to give Sass credit. She’s taken our heavy ribbing in stride (even though I once called her a slore), almost reveling in her role as the stereotypical puck slut from Shittsburgh. But now she’s outdone herself. She has given us an exclusive, meticulously detailed account of her weekend at the NHL Draft – complete with pictures and screenshots – where she warmed up about a sixth of the top 60 picks.
Before last weekend’s event, which was held in Pittsburgh, Sass tweeted a preview of her outfit for the draft’s first night. For her and other puck bunnies (and I do wish to not be graphic here), the thought of bagging an up-and-comer who might one day drink from Lord Stanley’s Cup (or, less ambitiously, bookend Pierre McGuire along an NHL dasher) makes their underoos drippier than a protagonist during the rain scene in a mid-oughts romance flick.*
*Ryan Gosling vociferously objects! “I’m wetter and I look better! And I’m a poet.”
You see, hockey players, unlike athletes from the other three major sports, are fairly accessible. For example, if you were a jersey chaser and wanted to fuck LeBron James, you’d likely have to make it through long lines, VIP ropes, possibly a background check, a publicist, some posse and Mike Miller before you ever got near King. Then there’s a good chance you’d have to be taken for a test spin (perhaps simultaneously) by a few members of his inner-circle – sexual gatekeepers, if I may – to see if you were up to the task. With satisfactory performance, you might – might – have a chance to score with LeBron.
Conversely, if you wanted to bump baby makers with, say, Jeff Carter, all you’d have to do is wear a revealing tube top to La Costa this Friday night.
It’s just… easier to get with hockey players.
At the NHL Draft, it’s easiest: puck bunnies want in early and not-even-old-enough-to-shave athletes want their first (or second or third) groupie. It’s a perfect balance, this delicate ecosystem of fuck. And that’s where we begin our story.
[Note: We’ve removed players’ names from the story and texts. But among those included are five first-rounders, four second-rounders, two sons of former NHLers, and one (now) Flyer. All are 18, or younger.]
Take it away, Ms. Sass.
“That day, I got texts from [Player 1] saying his friend [Player 3] was already in town and needed something to do that night. My friend [redacted] and I said fine. [Player 3] started texting me and told us when to come down.”
The exchange with [Player 1], who was offering up his friend, [Player 3], as a stand-in for the evening:
“I was also texting [Player 4] at the time.”
“We got to [Player 3]’s room and in there was [Player 5], [Player 3], [Player 6], and [Player 7]. We hung out there. [Player 5] took me up to his room and we had sex. We came back down and my friend was hooking up with [Player 3], so [Player 5] and i hooked up again, in the living room of [Player 3] ‘s and [Player 6]’s room. My friend and I went to [Player 4]’s room at about 12:30, and [Player 5] and them didn’t know we were going up there. We snuck alcohol to both rooms, didn’t drink too much.”
Her texts to [Player 4], as he awaited his queen… and a gummer: [start at 9:45]
“[Player 4] had me go into his room and asked me to give him head. I knew he had a girlfriend but he denied it simply saying he was “talking” to a girl back home. Whatever, not my relationship. Anyhow, after him and I hooked up, he sent [Player 9] in…. [Player 9] was real awkward at first but then we started hooking up. We had sex, he didn’t last long at all… After that I hooked up with [Player 8]. We then went home.”
The next morning [Player 4] was worried:
Meanwhile, for a week, Ms. Sass had been texting with [Player 2]. He was yet to arrive.
“That morning, [Player 2] asked me to pick him up from the airport, and I did. Took him to the Westin hotel downtown nothing happened.”
Their exhange, dating back to the previous week:
Sass never got with [Player 2]. But she did hang out with [Player 5] again:
Afterward, [Player 5] was concerned about his performance:
Friday. Draft night.
All along, [Player 1] had been determined to get in on the action:
“Friday night was the hotel obviously. Kids that were up there were [Player 5], all three [Player 1]’s brothers, [who cares], [who cares], [Player 3], [Player 3]’s brother, and some other kids I didn’t know their names. My friend went back to [Player 3]’s hotel with him, everyone was pretty plastered. Had sex with [Player 5]. [Player 1] was pissed at me after [Player 5] left cause I had been hooking up with him. So I got with [Player 1]. Then everyone kinda went home. Next day, nothing happened. I cleaned the room and went home.”
It was a good weekend for the NHL’s future stars.
Just imagine what it would have been like if these guys were rich. And pseudo famous. And actually, you know, playing in the NHL.
Wait, Sass has a case study for that, too.
In a story that briefly had her trending in Canada last night, Sass tweeted (and then removed) a direct message exchange she had with former Flyer Joffrey Lupul, who wanted her to send naked pictures:
Poor Joffrey. He never received his pictures, but he’s receiving a lot of flak in Canada today. Might be time for him to step aside, anyway. There’s some young blood in the game now… and they’re DTF.