50 Hot Takes for the Philadelphia Sports Fan: Part Four

Yeah man.

You know what time it is.

It’s time for the hottest takes in the Delaware Valley, and I’ve gotta be honest with you – these stories have been doing a lot better than I thought they would. If something ain’t broke, then it doesn’t need fixing, as Bert Lance once said. That’s why I’ve decided to come up with 50 more hot takes for you, the Philadelphia sports fan, since parts one, two, and three obviously were not enough.

Before we begin, I’d like to share a part of a recent email from a Crossing Broad reader, an email which served as the inspiration for this story:

It was an uplifting message for me, and with the resulting energy and motivation I came up another list of takes for y’all:

  1. The Allen Iverson/Tyronn Lue stepover is the most overrated sequence in all of Philly sports. The Sixers went on to lose that series 4-1, yet here we are celebrating that moment like it was the Brandon Graham strip sack.
  2. If given a choice between Taco Bell and Chipotle, I’m eating at Taco Bell.
  3. The hatred for “chain restaurants” is misguided. If you’re suburban white trash, like me, you find comfort and familiarity in spots like Olive Garden or the Texas Roadhouse simply because you grew up absent of independent and unique restaurants.
  4. 103.7 in South Jersey plays better music than WMMR.
  5. Old Town Road is a horrible song.
  6. All millennials and Generation Z members should have their bank accounts frozen and assets seized until they have seen the following movies: Half Baked, Black Sheep, Happy Gilmore, and Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
  7. “They” say that the millennial generation includes anybody who was born after 1980, which is technically true, but also off-base. If you were born before 1985, you have so much more in common with Generation X. You probably didn’t have a cell phone until college, you actually called your friends on a landline and said hello to their parents, and you entered the work force right before the economy went to shit. Most millennials, as stereotyped by others, were graduating college and high school during the recession, which impacted their ability to find jobs and affordable living. Older millennials like myself were lucky to have just missed that.
  8. The “celebrity” scene at Philly sporting events is totally lame. It’s typically M Night Shyamalan, a shitty local rapper, and then 3-5 current or former Philly athletes.
  9. I don’t trust people who dislike dogs. How could anybody possibly dislike dogs?
  10. If you bring your dog to the dog park, you can’t just stare at your phone the entire time. You have to spend at least five seconds paying attention. Try to notice when your pooch takes a huge dump right in front of you.
  11. People who throw trash out of their window while driving are the biggest scumbags on the planet.
  12. “Price point” is an annoying term. You can just say “price” and it means virtually the same thing. It’s generally understood that prices change based on market fluctuations and typical bargaining.
  13. Nobody gives a fuck about your fantasy football team.
  14. Furthermore, if you’re watching the Eagles game with friends and family, don’t talk about your fantasy football team. Only talk about the Birds.
  15. 99 times out of 100, the person who cuts you off at the South Philly sports complex is a middle-aged white guy, 10 year old son in the passenger seat of his oversized gas guzzler of a truck, and he feels like he’s entitled to just jump in line wherever he wants. These people are total assholes.
  16. If given a choice between Natty Lite and an IPA, I’m choosing Natty Lite.
  17. If I’m forced to drink an IPA, I guess I’m going with the New England variety. West Coast IPA tastes like hoppy pinecone butthole.
  18. The best brewery in our region is Hidden Sands, down in Egg Harbor Township. Excellent variety, great taproom, lots of interesting tastes with frequent rotation on the menu.
  19. The second best brewery in our region is Evil Genius, for a lot of the reasons I listed above.
  20. The most overrated brewery in our region is Tired Hands.
  21. “Party school” rankings are dumb. Most big state schools have a party scene. What nobody ever talks about is substance abuse at high-ranking academic institutions, where the stress to perform relative to your peers results in people just drinking themselves into oblivion with regularity.
  22. I like NBC Sports Philadelphia’s new studio. Maybe the anchor desk could be bigger.
  23. Some people didn’t “get” my Jersey Shore column. It wasn’t an anti-shore column; I was telling people to take the occasional weekend and go somewhere else, see something different.
  24. Y’all always say “who cares about Skip Bayless?” but click on those stories whenever we write them.
  25. One of my biggest professional failures was being rejected for a Q/A story with Joe Cordell, of Cordell and Cordell. I exchanged some emails with his PR guy but was unable to get Joe on the phone.
  26. Philadelphia doesn’t need any more bars or restaurants. Or snooty pizza places.
  27. There are a lot of poorly run city agencies, but the Department of Revenue is the worst. It takes four weeks for any payment to clear, the web portal doesn’t work, and nobody on the phone has any idea what they’re doing.
  28. I’d rather eat at Donkey’s than any cheesesteak place in the city.
  29. A hot dog is not a sandwich because the bun is comprised of one piece of bread. If a hot dog bun was sliced into two halves, then it would be a sandwich.
  30. Is a hot dog a sandwich?” may be the dumbest debate ever.
  31. Dunkin Donuts is better than Starbucks. Starbucks blows.
  32. I can’t get down with the boat shoes and no socks look.
  33. I kind of want to unionize Crossing Broad employees, just to see how Kyle responds.
  34. It’s pointless to respond to a post or tweet with “nobody cares.” If you don’t care, then don’t respond.
  35. Penn State fans should run James Franklin out of town. He doesn’t have what it takes to get you guys to the college football playoff.
  36. People need to stop painting Penn State fans and alumni as Sandusky enablers or “pedos” or “cultists” or whatever. Yes, there was a portion of the community that seemed to handle the scandal poorly, but the vast majority of PSU people I know approached that topic with the required discretion and seriousness.
  37. I hope Manny Diaz goes 0-12 this year and gets fired. I understand that the Miami situation was unexpected, and that his dream job opened up under unique circumstances, but he made a commitment to Temple and he should have kept his commitment.
  38. When Josh Harris and David Blitzer sell their stake in Crystal Palace, they should purchase the Philadelphia Union from Jay Sugarman. Whatever $$$ amount it takes. Adding the Union to the Sixers/Devils/Blue Coats/Prudential Center portfolio would make a lot of sense geographically and from a growth potential standpoint.
  39. Do you ever notice how sports radio callers are either incredibly stupid or incredibly smart? There never seems to a be a middle ground; they either make really good points or totally horrendous points.
  40. Regarding the above, I feel like the smartest radio callers are dialing up Glen and Ray on the weekends, or queuing up for the Sixers post game show with Devon on 97.5.
  41. People on Twitter talked a ton of shit about the Fanatic’s “Fantasy Fest,” which took place in August, but I think it’s a good idea. I’ve never actually been there, but what’s wrong with putting together an event where all of the radio personalities and listeners can get together? Just seems like a big party atmosphere to me. Shrug.
  42. Changing poop diapers isn’t a big deal at all. The baby is only eating breast milk and formula, so the poop is consistent and sterile, or at least that’s what the pediatrician said.
  43. Having a designated hitter in one league but not the other is laughably stupid. Baseball has some of the worst rules on the planet, but “baseball is fine” according to you curmudgeons.
  44. The Yankees forcing their players to shave is incredibly corny. If they drafted me I’d refuse to play for them for that reason alone, then grow my beard like Billy Gibbons and Dusty Hill out of spite.
  45. If you don’t like soccer, just say you don’t like it. You don’t have to bend over backwards explaining why it’s a “communist” sport or “un-American” or for “liberal hipster pussies” or whatever.
  46. Street hockey is underrated as a neighborhood game for kids. You just need sticks and a ball, then use backpacks or other items for the goalposts or buy a cheap pop-up net.
  47. The Wells Fargo Center upgrades were badly needed. It feels like a 25 year old building with 75 years of use.
  48. Temple needs to get out of the Linc and go somewhere else. Anywhere else.
  49. College Gameday on Independence Mall was one of the most underrated Philly sports moments of all time. It brought a tear to my eye. A tear of joy.
  50. David Lee Roth people need to get the fuck over themselves. Both Van Halen and Van Hagar dropped great music for us to listen to. Life is way too short to sit here complaining about Sammy’s time in the band.

Thank you for reading.

Sincerely,

-Kinker

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17 Comments

  • SFD September 3, 2019 at 2:48 pm

    Love these columns Kevin, keep up the good work.

    But Olive Garden is bad. There’s so many better Italian restaurants around the area. This is a hill I’ll die on. But hey, it’s your list.

    Reply
  • Burn it down September 3, 2019 at 3:33 pm

    11. This includes cigarette butts
    39. 99% of callers are morons. Eliminate them or cut it way back and bring on more guests.
    50. Van Halen fucking sucks except for the first minute of hot for teacher.

    Reply
  • Angry Voice, all poop stinks September 3, 2019 at 3:39 pm

    42, yeah not so much. The pediatrician lied, big time.

    I was reading this in angry inside reader voice. I don’t know if you were that angry, but i was angry after reading.

    Carry on.

    Reply
    • The Dude September 4, 2019 at 10:04 am

      Yeah spoken like a true new dad “oh I have it all figured out, these aren’t so bad!” Wait till the kids eating bananas, ice cream and mashed peas in the same day.

      Reply
  • Moneyline McGrillBet September 3, 2019 at 3:58 pm

    Nobody cares.

    Reply
  • Like Dogs but... September 3, 2019 at 4:03 pm

    9. I don’t trust people who dislike dogs. How could anybody possibly dislike dogs?

    No issues with the dogs, it the owners that are the problem. Pick up after your dogs and do others need to be subject to your dog in a grocery store or restaurant? Where I am buying and eating my food?!?!?

    Reply
  • Deputy Van Halen September 3, 2019 at 4:13 pm

    we NEED the Joe Cordell story!!!!!!

    Make it happen KK

    Reply
  • So Taguchi - Phillies Legend September 3, 2019 at 4:15 pm

    45…..what’s soccer? Oh, you mean commie ball. Got it.

    Still not a real sport.

    Reply
  • Dingo are my baby September 3, 2019 at 6:06 pm

    I hate dogs

    Reply
  • T-bone September 3, 2019 at 6:41 pm

    The Wells Fargo Center definitely needed a refresh, but the new seats, at least in the upper level, suck. It’s so cramped it’s like sitting in an airplane and the cup holders in the arm rests are too far back.

    Reply
  • Dick Trout September 4, 2019 at 12:41 am

    31. Starbucks blows. Dunkin’ Donuts does too. Rather get coffee at wawa or 7/11 than either of them. Actually, Wawa and 7/11 coffee blows too. We are all suckers. Freaking sheep we are.

    Reply
  • Amen September 4, 2019 at 7:57 am

    Couldn’t agree more on the Lu/Iverson step over. Everyone seems to forget that Lu absolutely shut down chuck n duck AI when he was inserted into the game besides that one shot

    Reply
  • Josh B September 4, 2019 at 11:32 am

    Soccer aka kickball def a clown sport ……and as far as the WFC upgrades, they are awesome except changing the seat color from spectrum red to black. I know it’s just seat color but it really does change the personality of the arena! And so many arenas now changing to black for some reason, just gives it a dark, gloomy lack of personality feel …Dumb move by the out of touch greedy people in suits, but no surprise there ……

    Reply
  • Sal Governale September 4, 2019 at 11:59 am

    1) the Iverson/Lue moment is far from overrated if you put it in context.
    The 2001 Sixers captured this city unlike any team I’ve ever seen. For that one brief moment the Sixers were on top of the world. We had shocked the undefeated arguably GOAT playoff team in the 2001 Lakers on their home court. . We had pulled off Game 1, when the entire world expected us to get swept. Anything was possible.
    Obviously it went to shit after that, but that night was epic.

    2) choosing a fucking Natty Light over an IPA is just disgusting. It’s not even a matter of taste. It’s just objectively wrong.

    3) Glen and Ray getting praised is far from a hot take. If anything they are the most overrated and overpraised radio duo in the city. Ray is notoriously wrong about all his predictions, he’s just a mild mannered nice guy, so everyone kisses his ass. They are typical out of touch baby boomers, ranting about the Process while sucking up to the likes of Ed Stefanski and Doug Collins.

    Reply
  • sponsored content September 4, 2019 at 12:35 pm

    Joe Giglio is the worst. Analytics dweeb who kisses Kapler’s ass constantly.

    Reply
  • LONG RETIRED STREET HOCKEY PLAYER September 4, 2019 at 4:16 pm

    Comment #46 is spot on. Well Done! I miss the old Bernie Parent style Goalie mask, the Mylec Plastic goalie pads, and the baseball mitt that we would use as a glove.

    Reply
  • Herd J September 4, 2019 at 9:42 pm

    51. Sonny Hill’s Sunday morning show on WIP should be listened to by every Philadelphia sports fan at least once.

    Reply
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