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Owen Tippett Missed the Second Playoff Round with Internal Bleeding
By Matt Schultz
Published:
The Flyers are a few days removed from getting bounced in the second round by the Carolina Hurricanes, and while I personally feel ready to move on with a contented and hopeful feeling about this team, it sounds like Owen Tippett wants to clear the air before he can do that himself. The Philadelphia right winger announced on Tuesday morning that he missed the second round against the Canes because of internal bleeding:
I have a few scattered thoughts on this, so I’m just gonna shotgun blast them at you. Here we go:
Shotgun thought blast one: First and foremost, this sounds bad! In my mind, internal bleeding is what happens when you fall out of a window and plummet five stories and land directly on your back. I picture all of your organs start kinda oozing blood out of them and into the rest of your body, the way a sopping wet towel gets water all over. If I’m wrong, do not correct me. I’m at peace with my scientific understanding of the body. To learn any more than I currently know sounds boring. And to think that Owen Tippett sustained this kind of injury (blood sopping out of his organs and pouring all over his insides) from playing hockey is pretty wild. Hockey rules. What a sport.
Shotgun thought blast two: Why is Owen Tippett telling us this? Does he think we’ve all been sitting around after the Flyers lost Game 4 like, “And another thing: Where the hell was soft-ass Tippett? I swear, if it turns out his injury is anything less than internal bleeding, where the blood starts gushing out of the lungs and heart and stuff the way water oozes out of a soaking wet towel, then he is unequivocally a pussy…” I, for one, have not been thinking that. Feels like this announcement is a defensive comeback in an argument he’s making up in his mind.
Shotgun thought blast three: Why are the Flyers and Tippett making this announcement together? Like, the announcement is on the Flyers’ socials, but it’s written in Owen Tippett’s first-person voice. Why not just announce this on your own socials, Tippett? Then the Flyers could’ve just retweeted it or something? What’s going on there?
Shotgun thought blast four: I guess it’s nice he’s giving us a heads up about this. Transparency is good, generally. Usually hockey teams only tell us “upper body injury” or “lower body injury.” Good to have this info, I guess.
Shotgun thought blast five: I hope Owen Tippett heals up soon! Prayers up that the doctors can successfully wring the blood out of his organs and get everything nice and dry in there, the way it should be. Do not correct me on this.
Kinkead: anybody else notice that Philly sports has been pretty metal lately? Tippett was suffering from internal bleeding. Rick Tocchet was talking about rising from the grave. Howard Eskin is now trying to take Daryl Morey off life support. God damn!
Matt Schultz is a comedy and sports writer from Philadelphia. He’s written extensively for ClickHole, The Onion, and Conan O’Brien’s Team Coco. His work has been featured in Vulture, Deadspin, The A.V. Club, Paste Magazine, and other publications. Much of his sports journalism can be found on college basketball websites that don’t exist anymore (PhilaHoops Heads rise up…)