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Have You Seen the Longer Version of this Wild-Ass Commercial That Airs During Phillies Games?
By Matt Schultz
Published:
Remember this guy? I wrote about him last month. I saw his commercial during a Phillies game, spent a good 24 hours pondering what I’d witnessed, then rattled off a bunch of thoughts I was sorting through. I figured that’d be the end of it, but I was wrong.
Today I discovered that there’s an even longer version of this wild-ass commercial:
And after watching it many, many times, I have more to say:
Stray Thoughts, Observations, and Questions I Had While Watching the Wildest Commercial I’ve Ever Seen (EXTENDED VERSION)
-Holy shit
-More sad stuff!
-Jesus.
-This commercial is so long.
-This is over a minute of tragedy talk.
-I can’t believe he has more than just the curling iron.
-The curling iron is clearly his favorite one.
-The fact that the edited-for-time version of the commercial uses the curling iron story pretty much solidifies that.
-Curling iron was also the last one he listed.
-He was saving the best for last.
-He has a tricycle?
-In his office?
-Obviously can’t fit that in a desk.
-Can’t be hidden at all, really.
-Closet?
-He said it’s in his office, though.
-His whole point is that he looks at it a lot.
-Must be just out in the office.
-Loose tricycle.
-Loose, very-smashed-up tricycle.
-But where in the office?
-Beside his desk?
-Handlebar tassels getting caught in his desk drawer when he closes it?
-Behind his computer chair?
-Bumping into the tricycle every time he stands up?
-He’s got seatbelts, too.
-Plural?
-Did he say multiple?
-Lemme rewind and double-check that.
-Yep.
-Multiple seatbelts.
-Why would he take multiple seatbelts when only the one failed?
“I’m already in the tractor-trailer. I already have my scissors. I’m taking multiple seatbelts.”
-Gotta wonder where he keeps the seatbelts.
-With all this amount of stuff, there must be a section of the office dedicated to tragedy stuff.
-“That’s my Tragedy Corner.”
-Maybe it’s all behind glass on a display shelf.
-Little placards in front of each item.
-Little lights built into the shelf shining onto the placards.
“THREE SEATBELTS. ONE DID NOT WORK. I CUT THESE OUT OF A TRACTOR-TRAILER.”
-Why is he talking so slow?
-Is he talking slowly to savor the moments?
-Seems like a savoring-what-he’s-saying speed.
-Why’s the music so uplifting?
-Does he think these are uplifting stories?
-The music sounds like it’d be in a Rinvoq commercial for arthritis pain.
-Grandparents-happily-playing-with-their-grandkids-because-they’re-not limping-anymore music.
-Not three-tragic-stories-told-slowly music.
-Now that there are three separate objects/stories, the rest of the table’s reactions seem even more insane.
-No one says anything after the tricycle story.
-No one says anything after the seatbelt story.
-No one says anything after the curling iron story.
-After each one, there’s just a very long, silent pause.
-Maybe it’s because they’re used to the stories.
-Their reactions seem to indicate they’ve heard these tales before.
-Maybe they’re bored.
-This guy must tell these stories all the time.
-This could be their second or third meeting of the day about this stuff.
-Lot of cuts in this commercial.
-I wonder how many cuts there are total.
-18.
-Just counted.
-I’m glad this longer version of the commercial exists.
-I wonder if there’s an even longer one out there.
-I wonder if this guy’s office is jam-packed with dozens of tragedy objects.
-Can’t even get to his desk.
-Stepping over multiple demolished tricycles to get around in there.
-Maybe the objects he didn’t mention in this commercial are too tragic to even talk about.
-Maybe those ones are just for him.
-This would explain his general demeanor.
-His haunted demeanor.
-Looking at death objects all day could do that to you.
-Or maybe he’s saving those extra-tragic stories for more commercials down the line.
Maybe he doesn’t want to tell all his most horrific tales on one ad.
-Maybe there are even more commercials coming from this guy.
-Only time will tell.
Matt Schultz is a comedy and sports writer from Philadelphia. He’s written extensively for ClickHole, The Onion, and Conan O’Brien’s Team Coco. His work has been featured in Vulture, Deadspin, The A.V. Club, Paste Magazine, and other publications. Much of his sports journalism can be found on college basketball websites that don’t exist anymore (PhilaHoops Heads rise up…) email: M.Schultz@sportradar.com