Sixers

Katie Nolan Lists the Reasons Why Rihanna Should Date Joel Embiid

By Kyle Scott

Published: Jul 24th, 2014 · 12:16 PM EDT

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Katie Nolan and her heart-shaped mouth recorded their spot for FOX Sports 1 yesterday. It’s been posted on Nolan’s YouTube account, because undoubtedly more people will see it there than on FOX Sports 1, which means this whole Embiid Twitter thing has gone national and there’s an actual chance that Joel Embiid will sit the bench this year while side-piecing RIHANNA and presumably tweeting about it the whole damn time, which, let’s be honest, will be, like, a minute (literal and figurative).

I’ve rooted for many things as a blogger, but this one may be at the top of the list. Bored Sixers draft pick with active Twitter fingers has an illicit steam-fest with the her-own-crotch-obsessed Rihanna, who’s actually using the rookie to get to Mychal Kendricks across the street, all with the specter of Chris Brown lurking in the background to beat the shit out of all three of them????? OH MY GOD YES AND PLEASE, SIRS. I am on Team Joel here. And so is Nolan. In fact, Nolan and I are co-captains. Friends, even. We’re in this together. Me and Katie, and Joel and Ri-Ri… and Chris and Mychal. Hashtag Johanna.