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God Hates Us

By Kyle Scott

Published: Oct 31st, 2013 · 9:30 AM EDT

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WHAT A MESSED UP SPORTS NIGHT! I’m so excited. I’m so confused. I’m so… scared. I’m so Jessie Spano.*

The sports world hates us. Shane Victorino won the Red Sox the World Series:

Andrew Bynum PLAYED A BASKETBALL GAME (well– 3 points, 3 rebounds, 2 assists and 2 blocks in under 8 minutes!). Looking good, big fella! Fuck me:

And the Sixers, who were supposed to lose, supposed to get colossally destroyed en route to securing a whole bunch of ping pong balls and – fingers crossed – Andrew Wiggins, BEAT THE WORLD CHAMPION MIAMI HEAT!

You’re doing it all wrong, Sixers. All wrong.

This Michael Carter-Williams kid… he’s going to be a problem:

22 points, 7 rebounds, 12 assists and 9 steals. Nearly a quadruple-double in his first NBA game. Only one person has ever even had a triple-double in his first game:

Michael Carter-Williams was one steal or three rebounds away from joining Oscar Robertson as only players with a triple-double in NBA debut.

— Alex Kennedy (@AlexKennedyNBA) October 31, 2013

Oh, and Magic Johnson is a fan, too:

I just got done watching the guy I think will be the Rookie of The Year, Michael Carter-Williams of the 76ers.

— Earvin Magic Johnson (@MagicJohnson) October 31, 2013

He’s gonna make it impossible to tank, isn’t he? I mean, the one year we finally get in position to scrape the bottom of the shitter, and we have what looks to be a baby, world-beating superstar. That’s great. That’s just greeeeeaaaaat. Nothing can go right.

I was rooting for the Cardinals last night. They lost. Rooting for the Heat. They lost. Rooting for Andrew Bynum’s kneecap to spontaneously shatter. It didn’t. Instead, Shane Victorino is a hero, the Sixers shocked the world, MCW was trending worldwide on Twitter, and Bynum, who will obviously be the starting center for the East in the All-Star Game this year, showed that he’s healthy. As as result, I was into the multiple category of Mad Elfs** by about 10 p.m. That stuff makes you do weird shit. Last year, I slept on the floor with the dog. Last night, I spilled half a beer on my sleeping fiancée (she handled it surprisingly well), sent a selfie to my buddy (not the norm), and started rambling on and on to no one in particular – maybe the dog again – about how depressed I get watching the World Series. And this morning, I woke up to Ms. CB dressed as Wednesday Addams. It took me a moment to realize that it was a spooktacular Halloween morning and that I wasn’t hallucinating. I think I’m really hungover.

Anyway, Michael Carter-Williams is good. For real, watch this kid. He’s the only thing to be happy about. The rest is all just signs that God hates us.

*Today we’re the Jess(i)es: Pinkman and Spano.

*”Elfs” or “Elves” when I’m talking about a product name? I’m going with “Elfs.” That little guy is a real fucker and screws you up. No other beer does that. None. Don’t buy it. He’s evil. Go away, little guy. GO. AWAY.