Eagles

Your Monday Morning Roundup: NFC EAST CHAMPIONS

By Kyle Scott

Published: Dec 30th, 2013 · 11:50 AM EST

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I’m not even sure what to say this morning. This horrible, terrible, completely forgettable sports year has done a 180 in its final days. It’s sort of like The Usual Suspects. That movie wasn’t awful leading up to its last 1%, the way the sports year has been, but it was in those final moments that every mundane, superfluous detail was reconciled and placed in proper context within the big picture. And so, every joke about the Flyers paying a Russian goalie $23 million to go away… every punchline of an Andrew Bynum joke that the Sixers were a part of… every swipe about the Eagles’ porous defense… every moronic shout that Chip Kelly and his offense won’t work in the NFL, like this column from media analcyst Heath Evans…

Now that the Philadelphia Eagles have reeled in perhaps the biggest fish on the coaching market, I am going on the record calling Chip Kelly one of the worst hires in pro football history.

Yes, worse than Steve Spurrier, the old ball coach who is one of college football’s top offensive minds ever but who failed miserably in the NFL, going 12-20 in two seasons with the Washington Redskins (2002-03). Kelly, too, is a dynamic college head coach, but what he’s about to bring to the NFL simply won’t work.

… and this Tweet from Howard Eskin…

… all spun into a big Waterford-made ball and dropped onto the head of the previous 360 days.

Bryz beaten, poetically, in a shootout.

Bynum suspended for being an absolute loon. His quest to earn $41 million over three seasons by playing in about 40 games is over.

Eskin is sucking D:

And the Eagles – thanks to a literal reversal of fortunes as Kyle Orton did his best Tony Romo and was just ever-so-slightly off on a slant pattern throw in the fourth quarter of a big game – are the NFC East Champions.

I’m now expecting Roy Halladay to announce that scientists have rebuilt his back and right arm, and for Ruben Amaro to complete a three-team blockbuster and acquire both Giancarlo Stanton and Mike Trout.

Suddenly, all the suffering and self-pity has been turned on its head, giving us the last laugh. Suddenly, sports are fun again. Suddenly… that barbershop quartet in Skokie, Illinois doesn’t exist.

Yes, we’re all Verbal Kint today, shedding our limp as we casually stroll to an awaiting car that will take us into 2014.

Let’s hit it!

 

But first, a word from our sponsors:

Playoff gear. Get it right here. We’re From Philadelphia And We Fight and Fucking Score Points bangers right here:

A second run of Snow Bowl sweatshirts are available, too. Shop.

Naked girls. Our friends from Girls Of Philly are back, because you just can’t stop staring. They’ve added all new, local, nude, girls to their catalog. Recognize someone? Probably. Have a look. Link is mostly suitable for work, but after that, you’re on your own.

Shady. Meet him at the Sports Vault in the King of Prussia Mall tonight from 8 – 9 p.m. Details and tickets here.

Playoff tickets. We’ve got ’em at Crossing Broad Tickets. They start at $165, with lower levels starting at around $215. Get ’em now.

Always Shady. Already have one of our shirts? May I recommend Philly Phaithful’s It’s Always Shady in Philadelphia. Check it out.

 

The roundup:

Connor Barwin found Monty G still going strong outside the NovaCare Complex at 5 a.m.:

https://twitter.com/ConnorBarwin98/status/417598570653818880

The Redskins fired Mike Shanahan today and the poor guy could barely make it to his own hanging:

#Redskins Head Coach Mike Shanahan trying to get into Redskins Park but stuck in traffic pic.twitter.com/RzLM5I5dRd

— Sky Kerstein (@SkyKersteinSJSU) December 30, 2013

Sort of resembles the scene at the NovaCare Complex 364 days ago. What a difference a year makes.

Top 10 worst moments of the Mike Shanahan era in Washington.

This:

The Constitution Center this morning:

Not quite as joyous in the Big D:

Here are some sad images from NFL Week 17: http://t.co/Wbmss0C3oU pic.twitter.com/9VQdYm4BD3

— FOX College Hoops (@CBBonFOX) December 30, 2013

Cool feature on the Inquirer’s website about how Twitter saw the game.

The Sixers beat the Lakers last night and about 10, 9, 8, 7 people noticed.

Reuben Frank’s 10 observations from the big game.

The market for Eagles Super Bowl tickets is up 400% in two months.

Are the Phillies really in on Tanaka?

The Cowboys are still the Cowboys.

Evan Turner pissed off the Lakers with his 360 dunk to end the game:

http://youtu.be/Sdl8ez1_zKs

Mike Ditka fell asleep on ESPN.

Busted Coverage’s best Playboy Playmate interviews of 2013.

Bill O’Brien may be leaving Penn State for the NFL.

Playoff tickets from the Eagles go on-sale tomorrow at noon.

A collection of Tweets and other nonsense from last night is after the jump.