Weaker sauce: The Pirates. The Nationals are at least trying to generate positive interest in their awful ball club. The Pirates, on the other hand, have done nothing to address years of inadequacies. Instead, they’re trying to make life a living hell for a local bar owner who is offering five cents off beer when the Buccos lose. Five cents! Pittsburgh, you’re awful.

Twitter account: Car Bomb’s Tweets have more shock value. I mean, it doesn’t get much more graphic than finger blasting. “Sex” would actually be a more socially acceptable action to talk about. Richie, however, carries more weight. He’s the captain, slightly more responsible, and chooses his spots. Panotch? Boom. Toronto writer? Dead. Comcast? Finished. Crossing Broad? Big fan! In the span of about three Tweets (fingering, Entourage, gingers), Carcillo has reached the Dykstra Zone. Richie chooses his spots, aims, and fires. Richie.

Phillies offense: No, ZOMG, this is totally expected. No one thought the Phillies offense was going to be very good this year. In a few weeks, they’ll add Chase Utley back into the lineup. He’s like – does math – one of the best players in baseball. Domonic Brown will, at some point, rejoin the team, and is at least a slight upgrade over Ben Fran (we think). The Giants won last year with Pat Burrell and Cody Ross playing major roles. The Phillies will most likely add some sort of small piece to the puzzle, along with Utley and Brown. Provided they stay healthy (big if), the team will be just fine. Relax.

Crossing Broads: I can’t choose. They’re the same person! Look closely. The chick on the left has straight blonde 3/4 part hair, pushed off to the side as if to say “I’m professional, but you have no idea how much I like to be pulled.” The chick on the right? Same F-Me eyes as her(um, self) to the left. I’m convinced Chase Utley eye-fucker is Mets anthem girl.

Throwbacks: Negro Leagues. And not just to be PC. The blue jerseys had their day. They look cool on fans, and for a few innings on the field. But by the time you make it to the 4th inning, your eyes begin to hurt and you realize why they abandoned the look. Too bright, too pajamay. I’m in the minority here, but the Phila. Stars uniforms actually have the same look as the current day-unis. Win.

Doomsday: 12/21/12. When did this May 21st doomsday even come about? We just started hearing about it like a week ago. If there’s going to be a doomsday, let’s at least publicize it a little. It’s as if a bunch of religious nuts got together in January and were like, “yo, we need to sell more canned beets- let’s end the world in May.” I’ll stick with Dutch, who, by the way, has completely dropped his we’re going to die shtick. Really feel that way or savvy business move? I say savvy business move.