STORMS. CURRENT CONDITIONS. ICING. SCHOOL CLOSINGS. MORE AT 11. IMMINENT DEATH.
Feel like you’re stuck in meteorologist and weatherperson Twitter hell? Good! Me too. After consecutive storms this week the inanity has reached record levels. From John Bolaris tweeting in ALL CAPS to Bill Henley being a fucking automaton, it’s all incredibly confusing. Who do you trust? Who’s overhyping? Who’s most accurate? Who’s trying to get laid by a hockey player? WHO’S TWEETING USELESS AUTOMATED UPDATES?
All that and more when we come back with your Twitter forecast.
It’s difficult to actually rank the accounts, since some are just so damn similar and or irrirtating. I find that it’s best to categorize them, from least annoying (dare I say best) to most annoying and Bill Henley. Let’s head over to the Big Board!
WE ARE PROVIDING YOU WITH USEFUL AND ULTIMATELY ACCURATE WEATHER FORECASTS, SOMETIMES IN ALL CAPS
These are the best. The creme de la creme. If you want to follow the bare minimum of local weather accounts, these are the two to follow.
— Gary Szatkowski (@GarySzatkowski) February 5, 2014
Gary is where the weather people get their weather. He works for the National Weather Service in Mount Holly, New Jersey and brings you nothing but accurate, up-to-date forecasts… the same ones that you’ll see on the news in three hours. His job isn’t to get ratings, it’s to get it right. There’s some jargon thrown around, and he can sometimes fire out the reasonable worst case scenario with too much glee, but he’s very, very good. I first discovered Gary before Hurricane Sandy, when he was responsible for this warning in the NWS briefing packet (he Tweets those too!):
Honestly, if you follow Gary, you don’t need to watch the news for storm-related weather. Watch for daily temperatures and such. But he’s got you covered on the big stuff.
— JOHN BOLARIS (@JohnBolaris) February 7, 2014
J-Bo gets a bad rap, but the dude fucking loves weather. Just listen to him talk about it on our podcast. He loves weather. He throws around a lot of jargon, often Tweets in ALL CAPS for no apparent reason, misspells things, retweets himself because of a Twitter account quirk that has led him to contact a lawyer (really), and can have a breakdown from time-to-time. But. But, no longer tethered to the local news weather machine and in the process of launching his own service, J-Bo is all about giving you hard, raw weather. His Philly.com reports are insanely detailed and he live chats at, like, 5 a.m. I called him to set up our podcast interview a few months ago, and he said he had to call me back because he was just concluding a marathon weather chat. He’s dedicated to the craft and looks at the models like you look at porn– with both the same frequency and passion.
I really love weather and will bring you its geekery but I’m still required to tease our broadcast and bring you pictures of snow
18Z GFS wants to enhance snow a bit Sunday night… more like 3" instead of .5". Still not major, but again, can't call it off!
— Kate Bilo CBS3 (@katebilo) February 5, 2014
18Z GFS. Mmm. Talk dirty to me. Honestly, I have no idea what that means. But it sounds like she knows what she’s talking about when she brings you friendly and useful forecasts.
[UPDATE] Katie Fehlinger
2 more clippers this wkend. #1 Sat brings 1-3", #2 Sun-Mon may bring a few snow shwrs, but generally passes by to our north. @CBS3Mornings
— Katie Fehlinger (@katiefehlinger) January 24, 2014
When I initially posted this, on Friday afternoon, I had Katie way down the list. I was wrong. I’ve reconsidered. I had based my opinion of Katie’s Twitter largely on its ice storm coverage, of which there was not much. But after hearing feedback about how I was wrong and digging further back, I discovered she’s more Bilo than anything. She’s good.
I’m a fine wine
@govmanz61 I don't make those decisions.
— Cecily Tynan (@CecilyTynan) February 5, 2014
A special category reserved for Cecily Tynan. I’m not sure if it’s because she’s a local celebrity or because she truly knows her stuff, but when she talks, Tweets or scampers across the screen, I listen. She’s the one who causes your mom to call you and say, “Be careful. Cecily said________.” You automatically know who she’s talking about. And from the Tweet you see here to morongate, she’s not afraid to show a little sass.
Also, my uncle would leave my aunt for her.
I’m more interested in the human interest side of the weather
— Adam Joseph (@6abcadamjoseph) February 3, 2014
AND THAT’S COOL, ADAM. We like that stuff. Solid all-around. Not extraordinary in bringing you any sort of service, but worth following, at least during a storm. And the holiday scarves.
I bring you the weather but let’s be honest here– it’s more about being a celebrity
AND THAT’S OK, SHEENA. I am legitimately disappointed when CSN throws it to NBC for the weather forecast and it’s not you. I’m not sure it’s weather I’m looking for… but just keep doing you.
I don’t put out a lot of hard info but I’ll respond to your inquiries respectfully when I’m not tweeting pictures of the temperature
@Peggyturch Actually, Peggy, we may better better than that in other 9-10 days. AccuWeather's long-range forecaster sees a 2-3 day mild brk.
— davidmurphy6abc (@davidmurphy6abc) February 7, 2014
David Murphy seems like a good dude and he’ll respond to seemingly anyone. Ask him a question, he’ll get you a personalized answer. Just don’t look for hardcore weather reports. He’s more like a weather oracle. Go ahead, ask him something!
I know my shit BUT ALL I DO IS TEASE OUR BROADCASTS
Some snow this weekend, and even more with a storm next week. Very cold weather continues. Timing on snow + temps in minutes on #NBC10
— Glenn Schwartz (@HurricaneNBC10) February 7, 2014
Come on, Hurricane. Twitter is not a medium for before-the-break teases. Perform a service for us– we’ll tune it later because we like you. [For instance, if Gary Szatkowski had a streaming weather channel, I’d watch it like it was fucking Saved By The Bell and I was 10.]
I’m not sure I know my shit BUT ALL I DO IS TWEET PICTURES OF THE MONITOR
Snow, ice, rain, a busy week of weather!
Details on CBS 3 @ 6pm. pic.twitter.com/iIhZYh82jX
— Kathy Orr (@KathyOrrFOX29) January 31, 2014
For years, Angelo Cataldi convinced me that Kathy Orr was a great weatherperson. I’ve tried. Can’t do it. A company-line tweeter. Boring.
Our show is more about entertainment
— Sue Serio (@SueSerioFox29) February 6, 2014
Sue’s entertaining and an important part of the FOX Good Day. But she’s not tweeting you any weather models.
I like doing FYI more than weather forecasts
— Melissa Magee (@Melissa_Magee) February 1, 2014
Sorry, Liss. You’re good at that stuff. But I’m not following you for the GFS. I got Bilo and Bolaris for that.
GOOD LUCK OUT THERE!
Next storm Tuesday night-Wednesday. Similar time frame, different impacts. See ya then, I'm going home to sleep!
— Caitlin Roth (@caitlinrothfox5) February 3, 2014
I would not want to be on the roads during tomorrow's morning commute…..
— Caitlin Roth (@caitlinrothfox5) February 4, 2014
I didn’t bring you one actual forecast during the ice storm and or I just retweet things
CBS3 Mobile Weather Lab heading to Abington & Bonnet Lane restaurant to charge your mobile phones, pads, etc. Still so many without power!
— Carol Erickson (@CarolNewsbreak) February 6, 2014
And the worst weatherperson Twitter account in Philadelphia:
I just Tweet the time and temperature, like TD Bank
I’m sorry, but fucking look at this:
Hey, Bill, IT’S 2014. WE CAN GET THIS INFORMATION LITERALLY FUCKING ANYWHERE. I’LL ASK SIRI. CHECK MY DASHBOARD. FIRE UP ANY WEATHER APP EVER. CALL MY MOM. LOOK OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW AND FIGURE IT OUT MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This was as the ice storm of power outages and death was moving in the other day:
Right now: Light Rain Fog/Mist and 33 F at Northeast Philadelphia Airport, PA
— Bill Henley (@BillHenleyUSA) February 5, 2014
Is this fucking automated? Seriously. Is this automated? I don’t get it. Who told you this was a good idea? Did someone tell you this was a bad idea? IT’S A BAD IDEA. Thanks for nothing, Bill. Current conditions. Current conditions. CURRENT CONDITIONS: FUCKING ICE! Unfollowed.