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Lisa Ann, who is making all sorts of sports new lately, went on a Twitter rampage today, putting Michael Del Zotto on BLAST for texting her incessantly about getting hooked up with her friends. Here’s how the fun (well, for everyone but Del Zotto) started:

“As you may imagine, I get some pretty random texts. Takes a lot to annoy me, but some people strive at it. The most annoying texter in the history of my life has been hands down Michael Del Zotto … Shocker right! Yes, Michael Del Zotto the STUD NHL player. For some reason he thinks I am a dating service and will arrange dates for him. Strange, most guys want to date me, not use me to find other dates but OK. I have asked him for 2 years to stop: “Don’t get mad. Been so busy with the season I haven’t been out at all. Any chance you have met a sweetheart for me to actually hang out with.” So girls, do me a favor, just to do the kid the favor and get it out of my hands. Michael Del Zotto is looking for dates, lots of them!”

He sure is. He’s pulled out all the stops on Tinder:

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How did all of this come about? Ann, 42, whose age is basically an anagram with Del Zotto’s, explained in what has to be the most coherent writing ever seen from a porn star:

“Short story: It all started about 2 years ago when I was hosting an event. Michael Del Zotto reached out to the promoter to meet me. I looked him up, he was with the Rangers at the time, looked cute, I thought ok, Pro Athlete, he won’t try to kill or rob me, so sure I will (Yes, when I am dating I fear being killed or robbed, ok? It is NOT a safe world and people are insane so I live in a strange fear).

So, we go on a date, its nice, hang out — yada yada yada — about a week later he started asking if [I] could hook him up with girls on the road. I say NO. I say, “YO, you are a cute kid, you can pull tail, if not have your agent do it, just don’t ask me.” After four months of going to games and explaining that to him, I finally gave up. So about a year goes by and we don’t talk. We reconnect and start talking and we get right back to this before we even had another date ourselves. I did warn him of this outcome.”

I know the world can be a scary place for women, and I imagine that people like Ann hang out with some pretty unsavory characters, but when your first thought before going on a date is to assess the risk of being murdered, you probably have some daddy issues. Just saying.

Anyway, apparently hooking up with Ann to get to her (presumably younger) friends is sort of, like, a thing.

“All men assume [I’ll hook them up],” she said. “My rule is if we have to discuss it more than 3 times we have to break it off.”

What an understanding woman! You get two I want to hook up with your friends mulligans?! Give that girl a medal.

She said it usually takes about a month to know what someone’s real intentions are [Editor’s note: Greatest. Trial. Period. Ever.], and that usually people just want to use her for her rolodex of slores.

She then broke all of our hearts about what porn stars do in private.

“Guys often assume that porn stars are constantly having sleepovers with rigorous pillow fights,” she said much to my dismay. “It’s a shocking misconception and I hate to let the world down, but it’s not like that.”

Dammit. So they aren’t rigorous?

And the grand finale, which earned her a block from a surely horrified Del Zotto:

“Wait now.. Maybe today I should build a ‘dating profile’ for Del Zotto here on Twitter. Girls who want to date him can follow him! What specifics should we put on [the] dating profile on twitter? I have never made a profile like this before, so hummmm.

HA HA HA I have been #Blocked. Del Zotto blocked me. I’m actually laughing out loud. hysterically. Maybe he will leave me alone now!”

I’m muffed milfed miffed about the way athletes chase women. I always just assumed that they walked into bars, pointed at their selection like a rich guy picking out a fine cigar, went home (or into the bathroom at the Irish Pub, Pat Burrell) with them, and then potentially called them a cab or an Uber. But I have to rearrange my whole worldview now. Way too many use Tinder (which should be illegal for athletes), and now this Del Zotto thing. Dude’s incredibly good-looking and has played hockey in New York and Philadelphia. He should be able to work out the particulars, constraints and safe words of encounters simply through series of long, soul-piercing stares in dimly lit clubs and or dive bars. Instead, he’s tweeting a 42-year-old porn star to be his own personal escort service. This is so far outside the limits of the world you and I live in that I can’t even fully process the thinking that goes into this. Like, I’ve seen actual athlete texts to floozies, and they typically consist of something like, “Yo, flight’s in early, u round?” Hardly romantic. Businesslike, even. But this… this is something else. Man’s a dedicated nympho and, just being honest, I sort of respect him more as a player for it. The persistence is impressive. I kind of want that dude in my foxhole now. The world’s his oyster, and all those pearls are belong to him. Don’t change, Michael. Don’t change.

H/T to Jim for the transcription help and like everyone on Twitter for sending these along