Phillies

Happy New Year, Rick Chandler is a Dick

By Kyle Scott

Published: Jan 2nd, 2011 · 3:14 PM EST

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I know what you're trying to do, Rick Chandler.  You're trying to get Philly fans, bloggers, and writers fired up, with your poorly researched, tired filth that hates everything Philly.  As always, we would prefer to let these lame attempts go and not give attention to such nonsense… but we'll opt for pointing out what an idiot you are.

Dismantling… commence!

Here are Chandler's ten reasons for why Philadelphia has the worst fans:

10. America’s Got Talent? We start the countdown rather innocuously, as a hopeful Phillies fan looks to the NLCS armed only with a team jersey and a song. And what a song it is; Madonna’s Holiday, with the title word changed to “Halladay.” Area children are still showing signs of trauma.

Yes, we are horrible, un-clever human beings.  I submit to you, the Giants (your World Series Champions) 2010 playoff-theme song: We’re here to win, but in case we lose, I’m purchasing a case of booze.  I guess the torture will never end, it goes on and on and on and on.

Chandler should be proud to have found a crappy song uploaded to YouTube- something only Philly folks do, no doubt.

9. I got your Thanksgiving right here! Is it possible for a turkey to be a jerk? We think so, so this wild fowl makes our list. The turkey terrorized a youth soccer game at a Philadelphia middle school, chasing the goalie — not used to running significant distances — completely around the field. It’s like I always say; there’s never a dog around when you need one.

Fuck yourself.

But since you're going that way, here's a Wild Turkey hunting humans in St. Louis.  God St. Louis is such a horrible city.

8. Sex For World Series Tickets Trial of the Century. It was in 2008 that Susan Finkelstein was busted for offering sex on Craigslist in exchange for World Series tickets (she still claims it was all a misunderstanding). 

Wrong.  It was the 2009 World Series in which Susan Finkelstein campaigned for tickets.  Get some facts and come back and see me.

But that was surely much worse than this San Francisco man who robbed a guy a gunpoint for his Game 5 tickets.

7. Philadelphia soccer, represent. Only in Philadelphia could English soccer fans not be the most unruly people in the stadium. Manchester United played Philadelphia Union in July at Lincoln Financial Field, prompting several reports such as this: According to the Philadelphia Union Facebook page, the Sons of Ben (our cheering section) held s*** down for Philly and massaged the ears of the Man U players and fans all night with “You Suck A******” chants and other miscellaneous vulgarities. And: Trust me, the You Suck one is one of the more milder that the SoB’s chant. We were seated in that section last night, I have never heard so much profanity, it really is lower class, but then again, so is most of the city.

An asshole chant at a sporting event?  The horror.  Here's a New York Giants fan being serenaded in Cleveland.  

6. Phillies fans show their class to former teammate. Game 2 of the NLCS, and that’s Pat Burrell making his way back to the dugout. This craft project was employed throughout the Phils’ three home games, including Game 6, in which the signs were ultimately used to hide their tears.

Right.  Heres the video we played in his honor, upon his return in 2009.  And here's the standing ovation he got in August.  My God you're an idiot, former Deadspin guy turned NBC blogger.

You know what?  Screw the Phillies.  We should have just supported the Giants throughout the NLCS and gone with more high-brow, supportive signs, like these Giants fans and their "rapin' errybody out here" niceties.

5. Change We Can Believe In. On Oct. 11, Philadelphian Juan James Rodriguez, 24, became the first person in history to streak the President of the United States. To be fair, it was a Californian who talked him into it. In August, billionaire Alki David offered $1 million to anyone who would streak near the President with the name of David’s web site scrawled on their body. It was, apparently, mission accomplished for Rodriguez, who can boast the second-most talked about private parts in the world.

Not sports.  Plus, nobody ever tried to kill the President in, say, Dallas.  Or Washington.

4. Their own Bartman Incident. Early July, and Jayson Werth is tracking a foul ball near the first row in the stands; only to be obstructed by a father and son combo who blocked his glove and made the ball a souvenir instead of an out.

Stop it.  Try sitting along the field and not reacting to a ball hit at you.  Like this girl, in Seattle.

3. I drink to forget. Another incident in early June, as a young Phillies fan — who can be no more than 5 or 6 — is caught by cameras swilling from a beer bottle in the stands. Of course several investigations are launched, which result in another kid being photographed doing the same thing.

The bottle was empty, ace.  Asshole kids… playing with things.

2. Don’t tase me, bro … ZZZZzzzzzZZ! May 3, 2010, approximately 9:46 p.m. Loose-limbed imbecile Steve Consalvi, a Penn State-bound high school senior, becomes the first baseball fan ever tasered for running onto the playing field.

But not the first to ever be tasered at a baseball game (Bay Area fans, again).

Steve Consalvi made a poor decision.  He was an attention-seeking, sober high-school kid.  This guy, who ran on the field during Game 3 of the ALCS in New York, wanted to harm Alex Rodriguez.  The same game Yankees fans threw beer bottles into the Rangers' bullpen- and the one in which Cliff Lee rained down an ungodly fucking firestorm on the Yankees, striking out 13.  He's ours. Again.

1. The Man Who Blew Too Much. We’ll never forget where we were on April 15, when 22-year-old Matthew Clemmens entered Philadelphia fan lore by intentionally vomiting on an 11-year-old girl at Citizen’s Bank Park.

Fine, Matthew Clemmens is an idiot.  

So is this Cleveland fan who tackled a child.

And so is this Pirates fan, whose girlfriend threw up on the back of a Phillies fan- seated a row behind me in Pittsburgh on the 4th of July.  Her incoherent, drunk self was kicked out, but he and his Old Navy flag t-shirt hung behind.  His girlfriend would fend for herself.  That is, until he was kicked out for getting into it with the vomitee.

Here's the aftermath:

Shit happens everywhere, Rick.  Get over it.  Get a new shtick- perhaps start in San Francisco or Cleveland.