Danny Briere Can Do Whatever He Pleases and Claude Giroux is Hate F%@$ing The League

Screen Shot 2012-04-30 at 10.08.16 AM

Scott Hartnell has some fun with Claude Giroux and Pierre McGuire during a pre-game interview, via (@dugmclaughlin)

Unbeknownst to fans, NBC and the Devils, the Flyers pushed the start time of yesterday’s game back to 4 p.m. 

Not that showing up an hour late really mattered, because the Flyers are much better than the Devils.

The O and B were outshot 11-0 in the first 10 minutes of the game… they then outshot the Devils 36-15 the rest of the way. 36-15.

Let’s delve:

 

Danny Briere 

You magic-handed animal you. Briere scored 16 goals in 70 regular season games this year. He has scored seven in seven playoff games. Yesterday’s two goals were the 50th and 51st of his postseason career. He now has 106 points in 104 career playoff games. In fact – here’s a fun stat – dating back to 2005, Briere has no more than two fewer points than playoff games played in any of those years, which means that his outlandish career playoff numbers don't come from one or two outlying years. He can essentially be counted on for a point-per-game in the ‘offs, and has been performing at that clip for seven consecutive years. Scary.

Screen Shot 2012-04-30 at 10.04.33 AM

via (@punny_userNAME) 

  Briere_score_again

via (@garagooseo)

Yesterday’s first goal (for both Danny and the Flyers) was eerily reminiscent of the Flyers’ first goal of the Penguins series. Both were breakaways, with the team trailing, to put the Flyers on the board. 

Then Briere became the first player ever (unconfirmed) to score two overtime goals in the same game. His first goal was disallowed, because, you know, he kicked it in. So he decided to fucking score again. Why not– he’s Danny Briere and it’s the playoffs and he can do whatever the fuck he damn well pleases.

As reader Chris pointed out, Briere was more prolific in overtime than the Phillies were in three hours of useless baseball yesterday:

Screen Shot 2012-04-30 at 9.23.59 AM

That's actually true. Briere found the back of the net as many times in five minutes of sudden-death hockey than your $180 million baseball team had hits on a sun-splashed afternoon. I’m not sure whether to laugh or cry, but for some reason my dick hurts just thinking about that sort of impotence. Though now we’re getting into a whole different post, so let’s just move on…

 

Martin Brodeur  

He thought he was interfered with on Briere’s game-winning goal: [transcription via the Flyers’ city-leading PR department]

Q: Was there contact on that last goal?

"Yeah, the referees have a hard job. They see it live. Definitely van Riemsdyk pushed my stick over when he came across, but he didn't do it on purpose. I think he was just going in front of the net, but it prevented me to make the save. It goes so quick like that for the referees, especially after (inaudible) and they wouldn't do that twice in Philly, that's for sure."

 

Shut up. 

He forgot to mention that, as is usually the case with the sister-in-law fucker, he was out of the crease:

Screen Shot 2012-04-30 at 10.18.03 AM

Stay at home, old man! And get off JVR’s lawn! Riemer doesn’t assert himself often, so when he does let’s not prod him.

Speaking of…

 

JVR

He loves the second round of the playoffs. I’m not sure what it is about the end of April, but that’s when 21’s balls have their seasonal descension.

Screen Shot 2012-04-30 at 10.20.04 AM

In fact, I have a simple test to gauge whether his nuts are dropped on any given day. For realsies, if you ever have the urge to stick your hand inside JVR’s pants to get a feel for how he’s going to play that day, use my eye test instead. It works just as well and comes with no sticky residue:

If, when entering the offensive zone with the puck, JVR uses his speed and strength to take his defender (and the puck) to the front of the net, resulting in scoring chances or his team gaining possession of the puck, then his balls are in-place, descended nicely into their sack.

If, however, when entering the offensive zone with the puck, JVR takes a poor-angle slapshot or circles behind the net, allowing a much smaller and probably less skilled defensive to ride him off the puck and into submission, then JVR’s manhood is wedged somewhere between his stomach and his throat, rendering him completely useless.

Yesterday, as you saw on Briere’s overtime winner (where, moments before, JVR not only took the puck to the net, but also jammed away at his own rebound), JVR was a man. And his sack was filled quite nicely.

 

Jagr playoff beard

Jagr_playoff_beard

The force is strong with this one. You have thoughts:

Screen Shot 2012-04-30 at 9.24.52 AM

Hereby co-signed that majestic wolf will be the descriptor for Jagr’s follicle exploits this spring.

 

Eric Wellwood

Reader (@sssflyers) sends along a picture of the Flyers rookie: 

Screen Shot 2012-04-30 at 10.11.07 AM

 

Claude Giroux’s go-ahead goal 

My word, that was violent. How many players have the ability to routinely swing their stick so wildly on one-timers yet maintain such perfect precision on the resulting shot? Very few, if any. Giroux won a game in Anaheim earlier this year with that shot, and he found success with it again yesterday.

That was the power play equivalent of hate sex. I’m not even sure Claude enjoyed it… he just wanted to dominate the goaltender and shoot a load over his head.

Has anyone else noticed that, since he's now in ninth gear for the playoffs, Giroux has angry celebrations?  In fact, he doesn’t even celebrate. He just scores to get himself more fired up. We haven’t seen this since Kenny Rogers fist-pumped and stomped his way off the mound during the 2006 World Series. Of course, the difference between the G and Rogers is that Giroux isn’t on steroids.*

Screen Shot 2012-04-30 at 10.22.07 AM
Photo: AP

*Unconfirmed accusation on Rogers… but I have my hunches.

Anyway, that’s Giroux. Look at his reaction after he scored. He didn’t hug his teammates in a joyous fashion, he told the crowd let’s fucking go

Screen Shot 2012-04-30 at 10.26.18 AM

I’m scared. And the rest of the league should be too. 

 

Hartnell 

Finally, enjoy Hartnell screwing with G and Pierre McGuire during a pre-game interview:

22 Comments

  1. Big props to Danny Boy! Who knows, if the second goal had been disallowed for whatever reason, he simply would’ve shrugged and scored a THIRD time! That’s because he’s the God of the NHL Playoffs!

  2. your memes are bad and you should feel bad

  3. The Dept. of Public Health also reported a regional spike in pregnancies following G’s go-ahead goal.
    LOLHARTNELL

  4. “…passionate leadership and athletic excellence from Claude Giroux.”
    I love this team.
    FACE

  5. “Unbeknownst to fans, NBC and the Devils, the Flyers pushed the start time of yesterday’s game back to 4 p.m.”
    ohhhhhh i see what you did thereeeeeeeeeeeeee lol

  6. Not a bad recap… but please don’t ever call them the “‘offs” again. That was terrible. Just say playoffs.
    THANKS!!

  7. “Has anyone else noticed that, since he’s now in ninth gear for the playoffs, Giroux has angry celebrations? In fact, he doesn’t even celebrate. He just scores to get himself more fired up. We haven’t seen this since Kenny Rogers fist-pumped and stomped his way off the mound during the 2006 World Series. Of course, the difference between the G and Rogers is that Giroux isn’t on steroids.*”
    Genius.

  8. The Phil’s suck

  9. “He forgot to mention that, as is usually the case with the sister-in-law fucker, he was out of the crease:”
    What does that have to do with anything? Goalies do not become fair game when they leave the crease and both his feet were in the crease…He screened him and Broduer was leaning to see around him there was no interference.
    Your JVR statements could not be any more true. You can just see when hes on his game and when hes not by the two scenarios you gave.
    Imagine if Wellwood developed his stick handling and shooting…that kid could be deadly…

  10. hilarious upvote to muscles..

  11. Eric Wellwood is Luis Mendoza from The Mighty Ducks, all that fast for NOTHING, if he had a half decent wrister he’d be deadly. He’s either Luis, or that forward you’d create in NHL ’97 with 100 speed and no other attributes you’d name Butt McButtcrack because it was hilarious at 11 years old.

  12. Is that Forsberg on the right?
    http://mobilwi.typepad.com/.a/6a0120a6dde087970b0168eaef3fa6970c-pi
    The resemblance is uncanny… and likely not a coincidence (thank you hockey gods)

  13. Note to self: Change Facebook display name to Butt McButtcrack.

  14. “Has anyone else noticed that, since he’s now in ninth gear for the playoffs, Giroux has angry celebrations? In fact, he doesn’t even celebrate. He just scores to get himself more fired up.”
    That’s pretty much exactly what I said yesterday.

  15. Scramblin Randall

    April 30, 2012 at 1:05 pm

    Herp-de-derp my name is Chirp…
    The point is that while goalies aren’t fair game, they are still subject to INCIDENTAL contact; and therefore have no right to bitch about a player getting caught on his stick. Old Balls Brodeur was probably trying to trip up JVR any; plus I’m not entirely sure there is contact if you watch the replay again.

  16. @Scramblin Randall…
    Hence why my post said “He screened him and Broduer was leaning to see around him there was no interference.”
    I was only pointing out that it seems Kyle was unaware that goalies are not fair play outside the crease. If it was INCIDENTAL contact the goal could have been called off with no penalty and a face off outside the zone.
    I think it was a great play by JVR and the refs were correct to not make a call on that.

  17. Laviolette's Lip Scar

    April 30, 2012 at 4:31 pm

    Giroux’s goal made me want to punch someone in the face.

  18. Shut up Chirp

  19. Danny’s a great guy on and off the ice. I sent him a letter and 2 cards, asking him to please sign them as I’m a huge fan and collect autographs. I mailed them 4/11 and I received both cards back, signed, this past Saturday. Then he comes out and wins us this game on Sunday….just, what a great hockey player and a great person too.

  20. Thomas E. Merschen

    April 30, 2012 at 7:45 pm

    Chirp wrote the NHL rule book. What a cocksucker he is

  21. Agreed ^

  22. Kyle these recaps of Flyers and other Philly sports epic games are your bread and butter. Your references, pictures, and links make me laugh almost every time, its just more fun to read your recaps than anything else out there…. keep it up man!

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