Well, it’s not a contest at all, because you can’t actually win anything other than adoration.
You know the drill. Shave Thursday morning, take a picture, and send us the before and after shots at the end of each round. We’ll post the best. Not new. Not unique. Not groundbreaking. Still fun.
Now, here’s where we change things. Just when you thought we were zigging, we zag.
Partially inspired by reader and Pittsburgh hater Erin, who asked what the female equivalent of a playoff beard is, we are pleased to announce “Merkins for Mezzy.” Or Andre-jay-jays, if you will.
That’s right, in honor of Andrej Meszaros, who I wholeheartedly believe will end a playoff game in overtime with his deceptive wrist shot – is he going to pass? is he going to pass? oh no, he shoots! – we bring you the ultimate in feminine deception: The merkin.
Look, the answer to Erin’s question could have been all too simple. We wouldn’t actually expect any of you female readers to grow out your lady locks. No one wants that.
So what is a lady to do? Armpit hit, facial hair, growing out the not-so-invisible ‘stache? All gross. What’s the next logical step? Deception and hilarity.
For those of you who don’t know what a merkin is, we’ll let Wikipedia explain it:
In Hollywood film-making, merkins are used in films where they are worn by actors and actresses to prevent inadvertent exposure of the genitalia during nude or semi-nude scenes. If a merkin was not worn, it would be necessary to restrict the shot to exclude the genital area; with the merkin in place brief flashes of the crotch can be used if necessary. The presence of the merkin protects the actor from inadvertently performing 'full-frontal' nudity – some contracts specifically require that nipples and genitals be covered in some way – which can help ensure that the film achieves a less restrictive MPAA rating. A merkin may also be used if the actor has less pubic hair than required, such as the nude dancing extras in The Bank Job and Amy Landecker in A Serious Man for a nude sunbathing scene, as the actress's bikini wax was not common for the period (1967) when the film is set
We’re getting into weeds (bush?) here, folks.
So, ladies, what do you need to do? Get a merkin. You can buy one (eBay has them for just $36- remember, wigs are not returnable in the state of Florida), make one, draw one. Get creative. Obviously, you are expected to wear it on the outside of your clothing, so all can see your Flyers fandom. Unless you’re very promiscuous, in which case a true merkin experience would probably serve a larger audience. Hell, it can even play the role of a heart-shaped necklace. The choice is yours, and yours alone. This girl seems to have it figured out pretty well.
The benchmark for the merkin (both in shape and color) was set by Kim Cattrall, when she rocked this orange faux-fur in Sex and the City (NSFW!!!!!). If that doesn’t say Flyers fan, well, I don’t know what does.
For you hardcore fans, you are free to rock the real thing… if you don’t have a sig other. Or have one with an unhealthy penchant for 1972 Gene Wilder films. Or who’s over 52. Or if he’s Michael Douglas.
I don’t expect you to send me pictures of your merkins, but I won’t be surprised when I get them.
Onward, Mezzy! Merkins rule the day.