The Candidate: Help Choose the Next CB Writer

Voila_Capture 2014-05-06_12-24-25_PM

This… is a democracy. Well, a democracy in that I am going to ask for your feedback but ultimately do whatever the hell I want because it’s my money.

Last year I told you that I would be using the surveys to help monetize the site and eventually hire a second person. And now here we are. I’ve specifically avoided mentioning on-site that I was looking for someone – instead I tweeted it – because I wanted a person who used Twitter often. I received a whole lot of responses. What you see here are the ones that stood out, based on either the candidate’s submissions, resume, or previous work. Many writing samples were submitted– some really good, some really bad, and some that were well-written but lacked the personality, voice and wit that I felt was a fit for this site. As of now, there are six finalists (though if there are any Bill Simmons or Drew Magary 2.0s out there, I’m all ears eyes) who have gone through the (in)formal application process of sending me a coherent email, demonstrating that they can assimilate into a modern society, and submitting three sample posts as follows:

1) A post about this hypothetical scenario: Tim Panaccio writes an article claiming that Scott Hartnell and Craig Berube are not speaking to each other. Hartnell, in response to the story, Tweets: “everything in that story is wrong BUCKO” or “not true at all BUCKO” (some applicants received different wording). And Panaccio responds “scott can have own opinion [sic]” or “believe what you want.” The candidates were advised that they could create context around it as they see fit.

2) A post about the job Ruben Amaro has done– either good or bad.

3) A post that they believe would belong on the site.

Over the next three days, I’m going to roll out the posts from each of those three requests, completely unedited. There will be a voting box for you to vote for your favorite. I won’t be revealing the results because though I’ll take the feedback heavily into account, I won’t necessarily choose the highest vote-getter due to a variety of variables, not the least of which are money and the current situation of the candidates. This is interview week. I may choose a full-time writer, I may choose a part-time writer, I may choose two part-time writers. I don’t know. It’ll be whomever the best fits the site, and a large consideration of their fittiness will come from you, the CB reader.

To the submissions!

I’ve obscured the identities of the candidates because most of them currently have jobs or conflicts of interest that would make publicly applying for a position detrimental to their existence. So, I’ve given the candidates names of Family Guy characters.

Images and blockquotes are called out in brackets, though they were not required and I was more interested in the storytelling and commentary.

Brian Griffin:

Headline: Scott Hartnell Giving Craig Berube Full Blown Teenage Girl Silent Treatment

[Insert a picture of Hartnell looking lost on the ice.]

Pop quiz hot shot: What is worse than a listless game 5 to put a team on the brink of elimination? How about Hartnell–head firmly planted up own ass– giving Berube the silent treatment.

I hate to be the harbinger of crushed dreams and sad realities to Type OB’s… so I’ll let everyone’s favorite Flyers beat writer do it for me. The floor is yours Mr. Panaccio:

[Insert block quote from story here depicting team meeting, calling players out, Hartnell not taking it well, silent treatment ensuing]

Delightful.

So instead of picking themselves up by their bootstraps like real Americans Canadians and preparing to score a ZILLION goals on Tuesday, we have Hartnell pouting because the coach yelled at him. Don’t mind me as I mosey onto this limb over here, but… BERUBE IS RIGHT. Has anyone seen Hartnell play this series- I’m not even saying that poetically, I mean have you physically SEEN him on the ice? He barely exists. What’s worse: when I do see him, he is losing a puck in his skates, getting outworked on the boards, or LETTING THE RANGERS TAKE CONTROL OF AN OFFENSIVE ZONE FACEOFF WON BY GIROUX WITH 44 SECONDS LEFT AND AN EMPTY NET IN A ONE-GOAL GAME. In my estimation Berube may have even been too easy on him.

Look, I know Hartnell is hardly the only one to blame here (looking at you, Claude), but at the moment, he is currently the only one abstaining from words with the coach.

Gotta love the GO TEAM GO attitude that the FlyGuys are showing coming up on Tuesday’s eliminator*.

UPDATE 1:

[Insert picture of Hartnell tweet “Everything in that story is wrong BUCKO.”]

Well that didn’t take long. I think we all expected some sort of denial, but from Hartnell’s twitter is interesting. On one hand, it helps eliminate the vibe of guilt that a deflected locker room question would foster, on the other hand dignifying with any sort of response leaves me without the warm and fuzzies.

Furthermore, can we talk about this ‘BUCKO’ thing? Who says that? Does it emit an aura of gravity over a less than sober medium like twitter? No it does not, Scott. Docked half a letter grade.

UPDATE 2:

[Insert picture of Panotch tweet “Scott can have own opinion.”]

Watch out everyone, Timmy P. is throwing haymakers over here. But seriously, this retort is nonsense. If he is saying it’s untrue, that’s either a fact, or a lie, not really an opinion. I have opinions on this, because I wasn’t there. Hartnell was there. If he says it did (or didn’t) happen he is either dropping some facts, or fertilizing some lies- not opining. I’m thinking this could be Panotch running in the other direction from the all knowing beast that pays his salary (and cut his expense account).

* Every elimination game should be referred to as The Eliminator. I can hear the idiots at ESPN getting wet from here: “Next on Sportscenter, can Durant and the Thunder survive THE ELIMINATOR?”

 

Glenn Quagmire

Headline: Hartnell Pulls Out Cartoon Insult On Tim Panaccio 

When things are going poorly in the Flyers’ organization, it seems like the go-to option is to take a shot at Tim Panaccio. Much like Nikolay Zherdev and Mike Richards before him (though years before), Scott Hartnell would have preferred Panaccio didn’t say anything at all when he reported that Hartnell and Berube were not saying anything at all to each other. It’s been a tough stretch for Hartnell, who has seen decreased ice time and tons of talk radio criticism as the Flyers hit a brief losing stretch, but it seems, with this Panaccio report, Hartnell decided enough was enough.

In response to Panaccio’s report, Hartnell at the very least talked to Panaccio, on Twitter, when he tweeted “not true at all BUCKO.” Bucko, by the way, is a word you may have heard your grandfather and/or Foghorn Leghorn use. Panaccio responded with a standard “believe what you want.” What do we believe? People who wear the orange and black just do not like Tim Panaccio.

 

Tom Tucker

Headline: HARTNELL DENIES REPORT HE’S NOT TALKING TO BERUBE

<hartnell berube.jpg>

The ongoing feud between the Flyers and their beat writers has reached a new level.

We told you earlier [insert link] about Tim Panaccio’s report on CSNPhilly.com that the Flyers’ Scott Hartnell is not talking to coach Craig Berube after Berube dropped him from the top line (a move that paid off big-time, by the way).

Hartnell denied the report in a Twitter post today:

[Scott Hartnell ‏@Hartsy19 Apr 30 @tpanotchCSN not true at all BUCKO]

Not sure what Hartsy is going for with “bucko” in all caps. “Panotch” is a Steelers fan, so maybe he roots for the Pirates also? Regardless, he’s sticking to his story:

[Tim Panaccio ‏@tpanotchCSN believe what you want]

This is eerily similar to the 2011 incident when Mike Richards tweeted that he “writes articles that are no where close to being true.”

That tweet referred to Panaccio’s report that Richards and then-coach Peter Laviolette were not speaking. And whether the report was true or not, Richards was traded just about a month later to the Kings, and it was widely reported that off-ice factors played into the move.

Don’t expect Hartnell to be traded — if only because the Flyers would be very unlikely to find a taker for a 32-year-old who has five years and $22.5 million left on his contract and whose production has dipped.

The real question might be whether he should be watching his back in the locker room. As Jeremy Roenick would attest, it’s not the best idea to get on Berube’s bad side. Talk about #hartnelldown.

We’ll probably never know the truth, but regardless, add this to the list of spats between the team and its beat writers.

And Panaccio has his own personal history of feuds with the team. He was called “an asshole” by Bob Clarke, and Nikolay Zherdev once refused to talk to him because “he looks like he’s inthe Russian mob.”

Seems Hartnell would agree with Clarke and Richards (though maybe not Zherdev, but who knows?).

Regardless of whether Hartnell is actually on speaking terms with Berube, you can bet he won’t have many kind words for Panaccio any time soon.

 

Greased-up Deaf Guy (this candidate isn’t actually deaf as best as I can tell, but that’s cool if he is… and I’ll never catch him)

Headline: Hartnell Calls Panaccio “BUCKO”, Refutes Claim That He and Berube Aren’t Speaking

Scott Hartnell fired back at Flyers beat writer Tim Panaccio today in a tweet denying Panaccio’s assertion that he and coach Berube aren’t on speaking terms. Specifically, he used the term “BUCKO” to refer to Panaccio.

[screengrab of tweet]

There are a few ways we could go with this story. We could investigate the “he said, she said” aspect of this conflict. However, what I find far more compelling is that Hartnell refers to Panaccio as “Bucko.” That’s a term that I haven’t heard used by any non-social security eligible human in my entire life. Clearly, Hartnell does not use the term endearingly. I’m going to make some very, very liberal connections here, and assume this tweet suggests that he and Panaccio are not friends. Perhaps Hartnell did something to anger him in the recent past. Perhaps Panaccio had a crush on Sheena Parveen before Scotty snatched her away (Whatever happened to their romantic dalliance, by the way? Did she ever send him any dirty pics? Asking for a friend). My God, the possibilities are endless. I don’t want to digress here but I can’t think of any scenario in which I would call somebody “bucko”. Panaccio’s response?

[screengrab of tweet]

Believe what I want? He sounds offended, as rightfully, he should be. But should I believe the guy who follows the team who’s making a pretty wild claim, or should I believe the guy who’s on the team who directly denied said claim? Hartnell and Berube don’t strike me as the kind of guys who would be afraid to speak to one another about anything. However, based on an exchange of about 140 characters between the two men’s fingers, Hartnell and Panaccio we can assume are two guys that don’t talk to each other very often.

How often do hockey players’ and coaches’ relationships devolve to the point where they aren’t on speaking terms? Especially a charismatic figure like Hartnell and a no- nonsense figure like Berube? Maybe I’m not the best person to ask since the closest I ever got to the team was handing out t-shirts before playoff games, but this whole thing STINKS.

I would gladly call my friend ‘asshole,’ ‘jackass,’ or ‘idiot,’ but I would only call my enemy ‘bucko.’ I think we are on the verge of a war here, my friends. And given the verbal barbs being thrown around, the stakes could not possibly be higher. (If ‘bucko’ is simply Panaccio’s nickname then I revoke all the above, and this whole thing is a simple miscommunication. I apologize in advance.)

 

John Herbert 

Headline: Scott Hartnell – Cowboy Hunter

[Photoshop of Panaccio with a Pinocchio nose and pegleg – Pirate Pinocchio Panaccio]

From the “don’t let facts get in the way of a good story” department of local beat writers, Tim Panaccio posted a piece earlier detailing some locker room issues for the Flyers – specifically centered on “HARTNELL DOWN”.

[Photo of Hartnell giving the Hulk-a-mania ear – italics quote under the picture “Wait, what did he say?”]

Panacc-io, whom apparently takes up residence inside the Flyers locker room, suggested that Hartnell and Flyers head coach Craig Berube are not on speaking terms – specifically, that Hartnell has gone out of his way to avoid talking to Chief. The suggestion apparently stems from Hartnell’s recent “demotion” to the 3rd line skating alongside Couturier and Matt Read.

Timmy P writes:

“So after this most recent Flyers loss, Berube clearly felt it was time to shake things up, moving the ineffective Hartnell down to the 3rd line and replacing him with Michael Raffl. This move was expected, due to Hartnell’s recent inability to create much skating room for Captain Claude Giroux, and generally being less of a threat to score from in close than in recent years. Hartnell, however, is not taking this recent move well. Sources inside the Flyers locker room say that Hartnell has gone as far as to avoid Head Coach Craig Berube, not engaging him during team meetings and being “unavailable” for comments. Berube is reportedly quite unhappy with Hartnells’ pouting, and has involved GM Paul Holmgren in trying to reach out to his oft temperamental winger.”

Now, there is a TON of assumption in there, but one thing is clear, Hartnell was moved down, and Timmy P says he is unhappy about it. Luckily for us, in the word of social media, Scottie was able to add his two cents, tweeting out earlier:

[Screen grab of Hartnell tweet to Panaccio]

First of all – 10 points to Gryffindor for the use of “BUCKO” in a modern day setting. I suppose “NOT UH YOU’RE LYING!” wouldn’t have been quite as clever. Second, Timmy P, not one to let someone dispute his journalistic prowess – made sure that he responded in his strongest third grader voice:

[Screen grab of Panaccio’s tweet to Hartnell]

So…for those playing at home – Hartnell disputes the article, Timmy P responds (TWITTER WAR!) telling us to believe what we want. Journalistic integrity aside, if you are going to print an article like this (well…perhaps not print) – offer some level of support for it. Telling people to “believe what you want” isn’t exactly the iron clad defense of your infallible observational skills one would expect in this situation. Like most local writers, it’s a situation of: 1) Throw shit at wall; 2) Observe what sticks.

None the less, nothing says “Flyers Hockey” like a twitter exchange between a local writer and a (now) 3rd line winger. I’m sure Holmgren and Berube would be more upset at Hartnell for no #clutchtime in the tweet – expect a note from the city leading PR department on that one.

 

Adam West (the candidate explained that there was an element of truth to his context, so that might help to prepare you for the jarring final two paragraphs)

Headline: “Believe What You Want”

[Pic of what could be misconstrued as Hartnell ignoring Berube in the locker room post game)

A classic case of he-said, she-said. Last night Scott Hartnell took to Twitter to respond to Tim Panaccio’s csnphilly.com story claiming Hartnell was not speaking to head coach Craig Berube.

“not true at all BUCKO”, said Hartnell, to which Panaccio deadpanned, “believe what you want.”

Is there a rift between Berube and Hartnell or is Panaccio a filthy liar, incapable of composing a tweet or publishing an article free of half-truths, bad jokes, and typos? I read the tweet exchange late last night and wasted half my day exhausting all of my connections* while trying to unearth more information on this one and got nothing… Until out of frustration, I mentioned it to my wife as she and her close friend strolled through the door after work.

Her friend, Ms. Hartnell-to-be, works at a Center City sports bar, and just started dating Number 69 19 a few weeks ago. She stopped over our place to have a beer and confirmed, unequivocally, that Panaccio is full of shit and Hartnell and Berube are, in fact, speaking.

I pressed her for more details and additional evidence to corroborate her claim. She reached into the back pocket of her tight black jeans, called Scott, briefly explained the situation to him, and handed me the phone.

(*Full disclosure: the closest thing I have to a connection is that my wife’s cousin is married to Britt Reid and I once met Andy at a family BBQ)

(*I also met Eagles defensive line coach, Mr. Jerry Azzinaro, last night at Xfinity Live)

[Pic of Hartnell partying at Center City bar where wife’s friend works]

A big thanks to everyone who expressed interest. I tried to respond to as many as possible with feedback, though I undoubtedly missed a few of you. If for some reason you think that you are just the best writer ever and really want to do this, you may take a stab at these sample posts. But send them soon.

The Candidate
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58 Comments

  1. Wow!

    5 minutes of my life I will never see again.

    They all suck.

  2. My two cents: I enjoy the site and I like Kyle’s writing style, but really, some of the wittiest and most humorous commentary comes from the comment section. Especially since we are free to write what we want without censorship (well most times).
    I think the site will lose its identity if another writer is added. I realize it’s not a democracy but I’d vote against putting another writer on.
    Your best writers are already on the site. Just leave it that way and save yourself some money.

    • ^+1

    • I agree with junk head

    • When Kyle started this site he had solicited for writers to work for free with the promise of being paid in the future. Eventually the site generated enough revenue where he didn’t need to work a regular job and cut the early writers loose sans compensation.

  3. give 0 shits about this

  4. no black dudes?

  5. The second guy. Short, quick, to the point and didn’t force himself to be funny. First guy is terrible and should not be hired.

  6. All were weak. The problem is that they are trying to be you. If you are going to add someone, don’t look for a clone, get someone fresh.

  7. Eat a dick Kyle

    May 6, 2014 at 1:12 pm

    Write for a site that is most likely going to die down and make 8 bucks an hour… Nah, fuck that. Eat a dick Kyle.

  8. Ollie Anderson

    May 6, 2014 at 1:17 pm

    Is the new writer allowed to write about Kacie McDonnell?

  9. Jon Marks big tity gf

    May 6, 2014 at 1:18 pm

    New writer better have think skin too

  10. Mr. Bowel-Chair

    May 6, 2014 at 1:19 pm

    Brian Griffin is doing a Kyle impression. If you want that, well, there you go.
    Quagmire is succinct, which would be a welcome change on this site.
    Tucker, Deaf Guy and Herbert are interchangeable and equally forgettable.
    Adam West is doing a Kyle-with-worse-connections impression. If he made your final six, I can imagine how bad the other submissions were.

    • There was also a decent bit of Drew Magary-wannabe in Brian’s. It’s really obvious when someone writes and is doing their best to imitate another writer’s style, and the result is always poor.

      I think you’re trying to catch lightning in a bottle here, Kyle. Posting a job listing solely on Twitter sounds like a bad idea. If you’re hoping to find some undiscovered/cheap talent that way, I think you’re going to be disappointed. These are not good.

      I enjoy your stuff, and think you’re generally a good writer. If the shit you take from people in the comments is any indication, any one of these guys is going to get ripped a new asshole. I hope they have thick skin.

  11. Jon Marks big tity gf

    May 6, 2014 at 1:19 pm

    Thick**

  12. #2 is the only actual journalism here.

    • Actual journalism??

      You are in the wrong place.

    • Mr. Bowel-Chair

      May 6, 2014 at 1:30 pm

      I suspect Kyle added #2 as a control. Look at the rest of the finalists and note the disclaimer about vote totals. Kyle’s not dumb enough to pick someone who writes better than he does. That’s just to tease us into thinking the site will take a new direction, when all that will really happen is a Kyle clone will serve as chief Twitter aggregator while real Kyle vacations on Sports Vault and Girls of Philly advertising money.

  13. The first guy should be automatically eliminated for using the phrase “Type OB.” Though knowing how much of a narcissist Kyle is, he probably creamed his shorts right when he read that and immediately offered that guy the job.

  14. claude rains

    May 6, 2014 at 1:34 pm

    This is the best of the bunch? Surely there are well written submissions you omitted because of personal bias. There’s nothing witty in the lot…no creativity and a dangerous stalker in the last example. I think you should up your standards.

  15. Big Dick Willy from South Philly

    May 6, 2014 at 1:40 pm

    I’ll fart on a typewriter for you for free, it’ll be about the same quality as your usual articles.

  16. I think Quagmire should start his own blog and offer Kyle a job down the road writing about dicks, man crushes or whenever some homosexual inuendo is required. Quagmire Swoon!!!

  17. Kunt Vonnegunt

    May 6, 2014 at 2:26 pm

    Kyle interviewing and selecting writers is like:

    Donald Sterling interviewing and selecting NAACP board members
    Scott Paterno interviewing and selecting nutritionists
    Princess Sass interviewing and selecting Jezebel bloggers
    Freddy Galvis interviewing and selecting hitting coaches
    Dottie Sandusky interviewing and selecting day care attendants
    Riley Cooper interviewing and selecting sensitivity trainers
    Kirk Cameron interviewing and selecting paleontologists
    Allen Iverson interviewing and selecting financial advisors
    Sean Brace interviewing and selecting BET hosts

  18. Whoever will bring the hottest girls to public events.

  19. Why would you need writing samples? Don’t the candidates need to be able to copy and paste others’ work like their future “editor”?

  20. Mike Guzzler

    May 6, 2014 at 3:35 pm

    I don’t understand the need to hire another writer. However if you must choose from one of these jabrones I would go with Greased-Up Deaf Guy. He or she at least seems like they know sports and can incorporate humor well within their writing. I get the sense the other writers are trying too hard. As an avid fan of this site, the last thing I want to see if someone writing just to write. I like what the deaf guy has to offer. Are there are other pieces of literature you have on the contestants?

    My vote is for Deaf guy.

  21. Thought Tucker was the only one worthwhile.

  22. I’d go with Deaf Guy – he’s into sports.

  23. I am with Mike Guzzler, Deaf Greaseball was witty and knowledgeable…others not so much.

  24. Dude you rejected

    May 6, 2014 at 4:01 pm

    Wow, Im insulted, esp after reading’s Quagmires. Maybe Ill post mine on here

  25. More candidates please! These are not great.

  26. Mayor Dickweed

    May 6, 2014 at 4:15 pm

    Anybody who references Parveen gets my support. Looking forward to more posts and seeing what these assholes have to offer! +1 Deaf guy

  27. One and Done

    May 6, 2014 at 4:36 pm

    In order to be considered, you must agree to have a man-crush on Kyle, and he with you. For some damn reason, he’s all about the man-crush.

  28. dan griffoni

    May 6, 2014 at 4:38 pm

    Hey sweet lips, I think i should be the next contestant to ride your train!

  29. I’m a Mort Goldman fan personally, oh god, there’s blood in my mucous!

  30. #2 (Quagmire) is different than KS, which I like. The others sounds like a bunch of people wanting to write like Kyle. Be Yourself (Chris Cornell voice)!

  31. Hartnell Contributes A Load To The Panaccio Bukkake of Twitter Ineptitude

    Survey question:
    Which of these laxative boxes do you find most appealing?
    1. blue one
    2. green one
    3. blue and green one
    4. none of the above

    Thank you! You have selected “none of the above” as your response.

    Would you like to answer 12 more questions and then not be asked any questions for 7 days (or until you refresh the page)?

    [click]

    Hartnell Contributes A Load To The Panaccio Bukkake of Twitter Ineptitude

    But first a word from our sponsors!

    [INSERT FAG T-SHIRT]

    [split picture of Panaccio/Hartnell]

    [4 sentences on incident + tweet screenshots]
    [mention shirt]
    [mention sweet keg room in college]
    [link to any past post about Hartnell or Panaccio]
    [mention shirt]

  32. Frank Sobotka

    May 6, 2014 at 4:58 pm

    A vote for the aptly named Tom Tucker is a vote for underage rape. I nearly fell asleep reading that “exclusive report” of his. This isn’t friggin Eyewitness News. I want facts, I want opinions, I want humor, I want it all. Show some flare. Not Adam Lambert esque-flare (not that there’s anything wrong with that), but that pops. You see how those other submissions pop?

  33. JakeFromStateFarm

    May 6, 2014 at 6:22 pm

    C’mon Kyle,

    Isn’t it your job as the writer/editor/owner to pick who YOU want to be on YOUR website.
    Its final’s week and I just wasted fifteen minutes on that nonsense.

  34. Maine Flyers Fan

    May 6, 2014 at 8:25 pm

    Didn’t like the first one at all. Obviously tried wayyyyyy to hard and ended up being way over the top. No offense. He obviously put a lot of time and effort into it.

  35. My last minute submission:

    CB T-shirts are the best witty Teez you can wear around Philly, the burbs or even all the shitty places in Joisy that do not have a boardwalk. T-shirts, T-shirts buy lots of T-shirts so Kyle can keep me on the payroll.

    When do I start?

  36. Kyle,

    Any truth to the rumor that the candidate labelled “Quagmire” is really the swiss cheese wacker, who appeared on this blog a while ago?

    .

  37. either FanSince09 or the Evster

  38. Brian Griffin, God please no. That guy was beyond bad. He wrote like he was actually writing in character. Obviously wasnt being himself. We dont need someone doing a bad Kyle Scott impersonation. We have to much of him as it is already. At least his horrible opinions, lacking personality, and flip flopping nature is real and his own. Unlike Brian who seemed to be doing it just to let Kyle know that his noes could go deeper and get browner. PASS…..

  39. I’m with the majority here. I understand that the pressure of this site can hinder things like vacations and what have you. I know that need can come up as growth happens. However, even though hypotheticals were here, I don’t think any one of these were on the target of what this site is usually offering.
    From someone who used to write columns every week for Wrestling back in the 90s in dirt sheets, it isn’t easy to come up with the content of opinionated stuff and facts. I get it. HOWEVER. None of what I read is the style that this broad is used to seeing from Crossing Broad.
    Had I of known, and had I of had the extra time, since I just agreed to do something else, I might have submitted something. At least it would give me something to do when I’m waiting at doctors’ offices.

  40. Most of them are eh. Some of them are absolute garbage. Deaf Guy and West were the only decent ones IMO. Deaf Guy if I had a gun to my head.

  41. Hello to every single one, it’s really a pleasant for me to visit this web site,
    it includes useful Information.

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